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CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 
  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

 

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Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

I’m a little Scottish, a little Polish, a little Oklahoma Indian mix and some other stuff so I am truly an American MUTT.   I am definitely a savory person so I always veer back to earthy foods traditionally found in England, Scotland, Ireland…ect. So, I was looking at these left over mashed potatoes in the fridge and some bison meat and wondering what I could do with them…… AVAST YE!!!! Shepherds pie! Alas, I had sadly never made one before.  SO, I hopped on Pinterest to troll for ideas and none of them seemed fancy enough for me. As you may have picked up, I like to be different…it’s kind of my thing.  I’ve also never been great at being the black sheep that everyone tried to make me out to be.  I’m more like a shepherd of the black sheep… a leader of rejects and awesomely weird fuckers and party people.  I won’t follow you when you jump off the bridge but I will drive you there,  take pictures.. and then I’ll take your dumb ass to the hospital after you break a leg.  I do what I want, not what others are doing… unless I want to… but I like to break a rule or two. Savy?  Which led me to taking out the fucking peas (stupid ingredient) and adding shrooms.. because they’re fucking awesome. I used bison instead of lamb or beef, and leeks instead of celery, hominy instead of corn, added lentils, and some other minor alterations.  Boy I’ll tell you what.. it was the bomb nom in my mouth! The minion ate 2 portions, the first mate ate two portions… and I had to wrap it up for the neighbors to try before I had 3 portions. As a modern pirate, I may take what I want, but I always give something back…and I always keep my accords.   IMG_1033

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 lb ground bison
  •  some EVOO
  •  5 shallots
  •  3-4 cloves of garlic, finely minced with that rad garlic thing I keep showing you….French garlic mincer plate
  • powdered garlic too. Can never have enough garlic.
  •  a handful of baby carrots.. the skinny small ones, chopped chunky
  •  2 stalks of leeks, washed well and sliced in rounds
  •  5-6 baby Portobello shrooms sliced only
  • 1 can of white or yellow hominy… I like the white ones.
  • 1/2 can of lentils – for a more earthy badass meat base
  •  1 packet French onion soup mix 
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce (its just more zesty than tomato paste)
  • powdered thyme
  • turmeric
  • rosemary sprigs
  •  4-5 medium potatoes, skinned & boiled. (I’m assuming you don’t already have left over mashed potatoes but if you do… awesome. Use that shit.
  •  3 tbsp butter
  •  2/3 cup greek yogurt (instead of cream… because I try to be better…lol)
  • 1 cup shredded parmesan
  •  ground Himalayan pink Salt & ground Pepper
  •  1 egg (for egg wash)

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…….Shepherd Magic:

  1.  Heat some olive oil in a deep pan.
  2. Toss in the sliced shallots and garlic & sautee till it turns soft and translucent.
  3. Add the bison and cook till almost brown
  4. Once the meat is browned season the meat well with French onion soup mix and add pizza sauce. Add Lentils and stir well.
  5. Then put a lid on, lower the heat and let the sauce simmer for 10 minutes or so while you prepare the other stuffs.
  6. Peel, cut and boil the potatoes in well salted water. Then drain them and toss them in a mixing bowl.
  7. Start assembling the dish, spoon the ground beef mix in the bottom of a casserole dish, or small oven proof individual serving dishes. I used both a large dish and some ramekins as well.. for the minion and neighbors.
  8. Clean large deep pan and once again put olive oil in it.
  9. add leeks and carrots and more garlic. sautee until carrots are medium soft.
  10. you can mash potatoes now, Add the butter, parmesan, yogurt and some garlic powder to them while still hot and mash them with a potato masher. The fluffier the better. Still firm… but like clouds. Season it with salt and pepper.
  11. add shrooms and canned (rinsed) hominy, turmeric, thyme & salt  to veggies and sautee for a few more minutes.
  12. Whilst waiting for the veggies to cook, spoon them taters into a piping device (because we like to be fancy as fuck).
  13. Now lay the second layer. The veggies.. THE REASON FOR THIS: is not every one likes veggies.. like my minion and my weird neighbor.. my dad… other weird people. SO you can leave this step out for them (see below). Also, it looks cooler to have layers. layers are the gods damned pretty.
  14. Now pipe 1 or two layers of mashed potato flowers (my way is cooler than just fork lines) all  over the top. If you suck and you have to spoon it, flatten it a little over the top and with a fork make some lines on top…. the ridges are what will brown and form a nice crust.
  15. very very Lightly brush a little egg wash (an egg beaten with a teaspoon of water) on the ridges of the mashed potatoes. Pop it into the oven at 400F for around 10-15 minutes.
  16. Then stick them under the broiler for another few minutes (4-5) until the mashed potato topping froms a nice golden brown crust.
  17. Garnish with some fresh rosemary

I love this black sheep shepherds pie so much it’s actually getting printed and shoved into the real life Captains go to recipe book. I really hope someone tries this and comments their results and opinion. If not, fuckit…. I’ll be making it again and again anyway.  My ass looking forward to running more to eat more of this. What ever cardio I can get…even if it is rolling down a hill fast.

 

 

 

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Ratatouille!

Ratatouille!

I absofuckinlutely love meat. BUT… I absofuckinlutely love veggies too. The first mate came aboard and says “where’s the meat babe?”   I just laughed and gave him a spatula full.  The scarfing that ensued reinforces the method to my madness!  The neighbor even came by and tried to invoke parlay when I forced him to try some (he doesn’t really “do veggies”)… he licked that shit up. So, good.  Now I usually wait until the beginning of spring to make this dish when the air is still crisp and the Japanese eggplant MIGHT actually be in stock at my local stores. NO such luck this week. I just had too many zucchinis, tomatoes and yellow squashes to not make this. I’ve done it several times now and I decided it needed baby Portobello mushrooms this time…. No recipe on the sea nor land is safe from my imagination!  Ratatouille is originally a French side dish from poor folks, made from scrap veggies.  FYI: Poor folks make some damn good grub. When the movie Ratatouille came out, the minion was all excited about making this dish with me. ( It doesn’t mean he will actually eat it, but he tried it.)  That’s what made me start looking up different variations. Some say sautéing all of the veggies together is right, some say to cook them separately. This one ruffian says to simmer them in a pot……

“The secret of a good ratatouille is to cook the vegetables separately so each will taste truly of itself.”            – Joel Robuchon

Julia Child’s version involves sautéing the eggplant, squash and zucchini separately and then layering them whilst the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bells are made into a piperade sauce bed and baked.  I like that shit… and it’s Julia Fucking Child… so I twisted her recipe up…. and put it in my pipe…. and smoked it.  Twice.   

IMG_0456

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 eggplant (or 2-3 Japanese eggplants if your lucky enough to find them)
  • 1 short fat zucchinis
  • 1 short fat yellow squash
  • 1 skinny long red bell pepper
  • 2-3 large baby bella shrooms
  • thyme
  • red pepper flakes

……saucy:

  • 1 whole Roasted red pepper (do this before in the oven with EVOO and have it skinned & ready)
  • 1/2 large yellow onion – chopped
  • 2 whole roasted garlic cloves
  • 1 box of tomato chunks or 2-3 medium vine ripe tomatoes (cans of tomatoes are bad for you…. see here why: canned tomatoes are bad mmkay?
  • herbs de province
  • Himalayan pink salt
  • EVOO – I still love this brand –Texas Hill Country Olive Oil

……optional (but suggested):

  • goat cheese crumbles
  • 1-2 cups precooked couscous (I prefer the large pearls)
IMG_0492

Ratatouille with cous cous

……the sauce magic:

  1. blend chopped onion, tomato, roasted pepper, garlic, herbs, oil and salt in a food processor until it is thick and drinkable. (now would be a great time for a bloody mary!)
  2. pour this bloody sauce into any large dish, like a 9X13 or a round, or a tart dish…what ever you got…. I used my favorite dish. See here:…cazuela’s fucking rock

IMG_0440

……the veggie magic:

  1. preheat oven to 375*
  2. slice all veggies thin  You can use a mandoline slicer but I quit using mine due to loosing my muthafuckn finger tips occasionally. (I may or may not have been drinking). My swashbuckling skills are better than that stupid contraption anyhow.   Make these slices about 1/4 of an inch. Too thin and they fall apart, too thick and they don’t cook. The eggplant can be thinner because its so damn chewy.
  3. start a circle or spiral layering process from the outside in. I like to start with eggplant (because its stronger and bigger )then, zucchini, then squash, then red bell, then mushroom.
  4. top that shit with thyme, drizzle with EVOO and cover it with foil  or parchment  paper.
  5. bake this badassery for about 45-55 min. I like mine more crunchy and not falling apart, savy?
IMG_0468

Ratatouille MY way

Now the French pirate in me likes to scoop some of this onto a plate of soft couscous pearls and top it with creamy goat cheese and have it with a velvety sweet red wine…… but the first mate says shredded gouda is better. lol. This stuff does not stay in the fridge…I have to make two usually. It’s that fucking good. Pardon my French but….  Bon Appetit mutha fuckas.  Try new things every day, you might be surprised! 

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Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Well slap my ass and call me a salty dog! I made a pretzel and dipped it thangs!  Here’s the story:

I was alone, reluctantly carrying the gazillion grocery bags in from the desert wasteland we call my driveway in texas. The bags were cheap, probably recycled beyond usable standards. The door was soooo far away…. then a bag broke… I caught it… whew!  Then, I heard a POP!  I felt a doughy sticky limp coldness in the bottom of my last bag. “I wasn’t planning on making bread tonight”  I yelled to myself.  Fuck it, I plopped it on a pan and made a pretzel shape.  Alas, the dough kept shrinking like a chocolate starfish out of water. So I improvised! I stuck some oven safe bowls in the holes to keep the shape. Voila.. built in dipping bowls!  I sprinkled it with thyme, garlic butter, parmesan & my new artisan balsamic salt (I finally have a good selection of artisan infused salts) see here: Artisan salts ROCKIMG_4798It was the perfect appetizer to my grilled butterfly pork chop and home made beet risotto! I love beet risotto, too bad the first mate hates beets… oh well, more for the Captain! Huzzah!

IMG_4911Now you can’t rightly eat a pretzel without a dip. I love dips… sauces.. hot sauces… anything saucy and creamy. Check out my hot sauce group on Facebook here: DO YOU EVEN SAUCE BRO So here are my instructions and dip recipes. Don’t laugh at how simple this all is….. some people need simple so I’m giving them this. Eat it.

…..in-greed-ients

  • 1 can Italian bread dough
  • spray garlic oil or garlic butter melted
  • balsamic salt (Himalayan will do)
  • thyme
  • 1/4 cup parmesan shredded
  • 1 can of nacho cheese soup
  • 1 dark beer (I like Leinenkugel -Big Butt Doppelbock)
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce
  • 1 whole clove garlic

……..yeasty magic:

  1. spray a foil lined cookie sheet
  2. Take out dough snake. Plop it down and make a pretzel
  3. stick some of those small oven safe bowls (for salsa and queso or small ramekins) in the holes.
  4. baste it with butter / oil spray
  5. seasoning and thyme
  6. surround pretzel with raw garlic cloves (coated in butter / oil as well)
  7. bake for 25 min @350
  8. take out with 5 min to spare (take off garlic) sprinkle parm and broil for last 4 min.

……. the dippy magic:

  1. open can of NACHO cheese soup  pour into a sauce pan
  2. add half beer… stir and simmer
  3. pour cheese into pretzel bowl
  4. heat up pizza sauce same way and pour into the second bowl
  5. put garlic in third bowl. Roasted garlic is soooo good for you, it helps aid against cancer, cold sores, food poisoning, UTI’s, scurvy..ect… see here: Garlic is awesome

IMG_4918

So, now you have a quick easy appetizer to grub whilst you wait for the grill to heat up. Happy feasting!  Drink up me hearties YOHO! Here is some weird shit.

funny-pretzel-drunk-photo

 

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Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Oh my sweet baby sea god posideon! We brunch like we mean it in my family. So it was just fathers day and we had a great time showing the fathers how important their years of beatings were, because our morale eventually improved! Thanks dads. You truly whipped us into shape. We lub you.

thWB67MGFR

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My sister wench gets a SPECIAL GUEST SPOTLIGHT this week. She is amazing in the kitchen and aspires to be a personal chef some day so…. 3 cheers for “Captain Blaire” my sister wench for the incrediballs brunch she prepared for our fathers day feasting pleasure.  Hip hip Huzzah! 

She prepared bacon, parmesan, peppercorn Belgian waffles with a scallion garlic butter, and a chipotle maple syrup.  Strat-daddy fried up his famous fried chicken wings… nothing schmancy about it. Fried chicken needs no frills….it’s that damned good. I took the left over waffles home and Broseph took home the left over meat.  That’s how we do it. Why were there any left overs you ask? Well, we, as a family, tend to make waaaaay too much food. It works out well for the left over department. The minion loves the waffles.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 3  large eggs
  • 1 3/4 Cup  all-purpose flour
  • 1 Tbl.  baking powder
  • 1 1/2 Tsp.  salt
  • 3 Oz.  shredded parmesan cheese (3/4 cup)
  • 1 Tbl.  fresh cracked black pepper
  • 1 schtick of butta – melted
  • garlic butter
  • chopped scallions
  • 1/4 lb of bacon
  • chipotle mayple syrup (can make your own with some canned chipotles in oil and Canadian mayple syrup)
  • electric mixer
  • badass waffle iron – Suggestions: http://amzn.com/B00ITPJ0HM

…… waffle magic:

  1. cook bacon, remove from pan, and swashbuckle that shit. chop chop chop it like its hot.
  2. beat eggs on medium speed 3 minutes or until very pale and foamy.
  3. Sift flour, baking powder and salt into medium bowl
  4. whisk in cheese and pepper until combined
  5. Whisk milk and butter into flour mixture, whisking just until combined; do not overmix (batter will be lumpy).
  6. With wooden spoon, fold in eggs.
  7. ladle a heaping ladle full of batter into waffle iron (just enough to cover surface of waffle iron). sprinkle with bacon!!!!
  8. Cook waffles until golden brown and steam is no longer escaping from iron. Hot dayum, you did it.
  9. while those are cooking, mix chopped scallions in garlic butter
  10. now slather that baby with scallion garlic butter and bacon crumbles and douse it with chipotle maple syrup!
  11. mouthgasm
Chicken & Waffles

Chicken & Waffles

Happy fathers day to the keeper of the codes!

 

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Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Yes, Yes,  I am the great cornholio!  Ok, so I know I didn’t invent grilling corn.  BUT…I did perfect my version of “grilled corn” and I will never go back. So, the crew loves a good corn on the cob. Sometimes we cover it in greek yogurt (in lieu of sour cream) and lime juice & cayenne, some times its pesto slathered, and sometimes its smeared with garlic paste and brie.  I mean its still just corn…but this time IT’S WRAPPED IN BACON!  I like my corn to have the husks on, to use as a handle to eat with and it just looks prettier. Also, I guess I’ve really been on a bacon kick lately. Probably because I banned it from the ship for months during one of my shake diets. Love me some protein shakes, but as Captain I realize now, that I can’t be a good leader without the Bacon. So if you are one of those people that are shaking your head at this point, suck on some bacon and see here http://bacontoday.com/bacon-is-good-for-you/ about how BACON is actually good for you.

The first mate swears that corn doesn’t even get processed in his body and there’s nothing good for you about it… I like to prove him wrong.. so here’s this FYI about corn: Corn not only provides the necessary calories for healthy, daily metabolism, but is also a rich source of vitamins A, B, E and many minerals. Its high fiber content ensures that it plays a significant role in the prevention of digestive ailments like constipation and hemorrhoids as well as colorectal cancer. The antioxidants present in corn also act as anti-carcinogenic agents and prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Corn aids in controlling diabetes, prevention of heart ailments, lowering hypertension and prevention of neural-tube defects at birth as well. So there. Eat your corn you lily livered sea swine.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 fresh ears of corn (BUY LOCAL BITCHES)
  • 4 strips of thick ass bacon
  • 1/4 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
  • lime / lemon or both.. because we love them.
  • garlic butter… (I’ve been making my own with roasted garlic cloves.. so good.)
  • cayenne, Himalayan salt, cracked black pepper
  • foil

…….the corny magic:

  1. Peel back husks, de-hair your corn
  2. slather corn cobs in garlic butter
  3. wrap corn cobs in 2 strips of bacon each, because the bacon will shrivel and shrink… not unlike a man thrown over board.
  4. wrap each cob in foil all the way to the tips of the husks, twist ends.
  5. grill on high for 20-25 min, rotating
  6. unwrap and gently place corn directly on the fire for 3-4 minutes to get bacon crispy (we don’t want no soft meat)
  7. plate it and sprinkle cheese and lemon / lime juice and seasoning
  8. enjoy the fuck out of it because there are 3 delicious food groups here people.
 

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Shrimp & cheesy grits!

Shrimp & cheesy grits!

I don’t cook on Fridays if I can manage not to. It’s my fun day to go out to eat!!! Tonight I will engorge myself with draft beers and specialty pizzas from the Alamo Draft House movie theater with my girl posse with our minions in tow. We will be obnoxious, laugh too loud, sneak drinks and snacks in our purses and stay too long.  I mean, we paid like a gazillion $$ for tickets so we figure we deserve a little looting and pillaging is in order.  Alas… I still have soooo many blog worthy recipes that I need to share, so here’s this gem for ya.  I have not made this in a hot minute! It is one of our favorite meals around here. When the day is long, and the crew is hangry and needs to grub quickly, You can never go wrong with a southern dish like this. You’re probably like, “Oh sure, quick my Aunt Fanny!” I promise its not that hard…or long… lol.  Check it: 30 min tops.

….. in-greed-ients

  • 3 tbsp of butta
  • 1 or 2 jalepenos sliced and diced bruh
  • 4 cups chicken broth
  • 1 cup stone ground grits
  • 4 strips of peppercorn bacon
  • 1 1/2 cups (6 oz.) shredded Monterey Jack cheese
  • some flavorgod spicy everything seasoning and Himalayan pink salt. Maybe its time I tell you why I choose this salt.. in case you don’t already know. http://www.naturalnews.com/028724_Himalayan_salt_sea.html#    Mamma says, that table salt is the debil.
  • 1 pound skrimps, peeled depooped
  • 4 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1 cup thinly chopped green onions
  • 1 large clove garlic, minced
  • 1/2 lb assorted color baby bell peppers sliced only

…….the magic:

  1. sautee jalepenos in butter till soft… set aside (like 5 min or you could skip this step if your a puss)
  2. bring broth to a boil, add salt and seasoning, add grits and cook about 20-25 min (until all liquid is sucked up)
  3. remove from heat, add butter, cheese, cooked jalepenos 
  4. wash & pat skrimp dry
  5. fry the bacon:https://youtu.be/W54O5Ia7nrs
  6. Add skrimp, garlic, lemon juice and sliced peppers to skillet with bacon grease and fry until skrimp are pink!

……plating this stuff:

  1. stir cheesy grits and add more cheese if its has gotten dry, spoon some into a bowl
  2. top with skrimp and peppers mix
  3. crumble bacon on top ( or mix it in grits)
  4. sprinkle with chopped green onion
  5. eat it…eat it….just eat it…

 

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