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MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

When I get the pleasure of eating something amazeballs you not only get dinner, with me you also get a show.  I am a eat dancer. I can’t help but wiggle and giggle and moan and sing and make derpy faces.  I’m usually bouncing on the booth more than my minion when we go out. I can’t help it. I loooove good food. That does NOT mean that healthy and simple pleases me any less.  All I ever really want is to try everything once.. and also I really want to share my (forcibly if necessary via social networking) findings of how simple it is to eat clean and healthy and to cook that way also. I am occasionally made aware of how annoying it is (for others) to see my constant posts on instagram, facebook, snapchat…ect… regarding my “Mealprep Monday” low calorie, low sodium, high protein weekly meal prepping…but I don’t give a flying fat fuck. I have been trying so hard for at least 3 or 4 years to keep up some kind of healthy weekly eating habits because on most weekends I am a hedonistic, gluttonous food whore. Thusly, my sexy, plump, bod can’t afford to eat like shit during the week.  I am duly trying to inspire others to try new shit, because i’m helpful as fuck. So stop being a lazy askhole (someone who asks for meal prep advice & googles healthy new ideas but never actually does it) and start cooking for yourself and your humans every day. Buy that weird ass fruit, or funky looking veggie, try that spice, and use that immersion blender thingy behind all the pots.  You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t already know. If you have no time, pick one day and make that your meal prep day. If you already do this.. Huzzah to you!  I know I am not alone… just seems that way with all of my evil, fast food eating,  land lubber friends that tempt me….(whom I lub). Aye, I eat at sonic a couple times a year.. when I’m drunk, tater tots are my kryptonite. Aye, spur of the moment queso and margaritas with the wenches, are a gals best friend… but otherwise am a very routine captain and I feel that if you don’t prepare for success you are just preparing for failure… and goonies never say die!

I like to keep it simple for meal prep and then get all fancy and shit for dinner because as i’m sure your thinking it too….

We usually do well with keeping the hunger kraken away when I prepare snacks and lunches only, I can’t meal prep dinners when I am a self proclaimed home cook, I need to experiment and play.  So our routine is a protein shake with spinach and nanas for breakfast, a snack of chicken salad with greek yogurt, lunch, and 2nd snack of raw fruit and veggies, then what ever the fuck my cray dinner plans are. Here is one of my “goto” weekly lunches. It’s my favorite because it’s super healthy and not boring or gross or weird. Even my neighbor that hates brussel sprouts likes this one. Lets do this…

…….in-greed-ients:

  • boneless skinless chicken breasts either 5 or 10 depending on your tax filing status.
  • EVOO
  • a lemon
  • turmeric
  • Flavorgods –Lemon garlic seasoning
  • thyme
  • baby bell peppers – they come in a bag usually – lots of them… sliced into rounds
  • brussel sprouts, like 2 bags of them, shredded, whole, halved.. .whatevs
  • balsamic vinegrette
  • chipotle mustard
  • chili paste – optional of course
  • minced garlic
  • EVOO
  • blackened seasoning
  • quinoa – 1 cup
  • low sodium chicken broth – 2 cups
  • 1 can drained chick peas / garbanzo beans
  • 1/2 can drained low sodium black beans
  • 1/2 can drained golden hominy
  • 1/2 cup pico (tomato, white onion, cilantro, jalepenos in lime juice.. usually find premade stuff and use that)
  • fresh cilantro
  • cumin & onion powder 
  • lime juice
  • EVOO

…….the mealprep magic:

  1. coat thawed poultry boosoms with EVOO, seasonings and top with a lemon slice and juice.
  2. bake chicken on a foil lined pan per instructions.. usually about 400 for 15-25 min depending on thicknessIMG_0553
  3. toss brussels with chipotle mustard, (chili paste optional) balsamic and garlic

    brussels bath

    brussels bath

  4. lay those on a different foil lined pan and bake with chicken.. but these have to bake for about 30-45 minIMG_0568
  5. whilst that is baking, boil your broth and quinoa for 15 minutes. 
  6. open cans and dump all the things (in quinoa section above) into quinoa and mix until you are happy…

    mexican quinoa

    mexican quinoa

  7. sautee bells in EVOO and blackened
  8. toss brussels with bells 
  9. plate that shit up into your finest mismatched tupperware!
  10. Also….I am going to take this time to express how much I love knives… and kitchen gadgets.  Like this here Mezaluna.
cilantro

cilantro

It’s an ancient tool that is used for chopping herbs. Mine was passed down to me and I use it every day. It makes me dance when I use it….and I get happy. Now you can shove off and get happy too!

IMG_0562

Meal Prep Monday

 

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Ratatouille!

Ratatouille!

I absofuckinlutely love meat. BUT… I absofuckinlutely love veggies too. The first mate came aboard and says “where’s the meat babe?”   I just laughed and gave him a spatula full.  The scarfing that ensued reinforces the method to my madness!  The neighbor even came by and tried to invoke parlay when I forced him to try some (he doesn’t really “do veggies”)… he licked that shit up. So, good.  Now I usually wait until the beginning of spring to make this dish when the air is still crisp and the Japanese eggplant MIGHT actually be in stock at my local stores. NO such luck this week. I just had too many zucchinis, tomatoes and yellow squashes to not make this. I’ve done it several times now and I decided it needed baby Portobello mushrooms this time…. No recipe on the sea nor land is safe from my imagination!  Ratatouille is originally a French side dish from poor folks, made from scrap veggies.  FYI: Poor folks make some damn good grub. When the movie Ratatouille came out, the minion was all excited about making this dish with me. ( It doesn’t mean he will actually eat it, but he tried it.)  That’s what made me start looking up different variations. Some say sautéing all of the veggies together is right, some say to cook them separately. This one ruffian says to simmer them in a pot……

“The secret of a good ratatouille is to cook the vegetables separately so each will taste truly of itself.”            – Joel Robuchon

Julia Child’s version involves sautéing the eggplant, squash and zucchini separately and then layering them whilst the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bells are made into a piperade sauce bed and baked.  I like that shit… and it’s Julia Fucking Child… so I twisted her recipe up…. and put it in my pipe…. and smoked it.  Twice.   

IMG_0456

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 eggplant (or 2-3 Japanese eggplants if your lucky enough to find them)
  • 1 short fat zucchinis
  • 1 short fat yellow squash
  • 1 skinny long red bell pepper
  • 2-3 large baby bella shrooms
  • thyme
  • red pepper flakes

……saucy:

  • 1 whole Roasted red pepper (do this before in the oven with EVOO and have it skinned & ready)
  • 1/2 large yellow onion – chopped
  • 2 whole roasted garlic cloves
  • 1 box of tomato chunks or 2-3 medium vine ripe tomatoes (cans of tomatoes are bad for you…. see here why: canned tomatoes are bad mmkay?
  • herbs de province
  • Himalayan pink salt
  • EVOO – I still love this brand –Texas Hill Country Olive Oil

……optional (but suggested):

  • goat cheese crumbles
  • 1-2 cups precooked couscous (I prefer the large pearls)
IMG_0492

Ratatouille with cous cous

……the sauce magic:

  1. blend chopped onion, tomato, roasted pepper, garlic, herbs, oil and salt in a food processor until it is thick and drinkable. (now would be a great time for a bloody mary!)
  2. pour this bloody sauce into any large dish, like a 9X13 or a round, or a tart dish…what ever you got…. I used my favorite dish. See here:…cazuela’s fucking rock

IMG_0440

……the veggie magic:

  1. preheat oven to 375*
  2. slice all veggies thin  You can use a mandoline slicer but I quit using mine due to loosing my muthafuckn finger tips occasionally. (I may or may not have been drinking). My swashbuckling skills are better than that stupid contraption anyhow.   Make these slices about 1/4 of an inch. Too thin and they fall apart, too thick and they don’t cook. The eggplant can be thinner because its so damn chewy.
  3. start a circle or spiral layering process from the outside in. I like to start with eggplant (because its stronger and bigger )then, zucchini, then squash, then red bell, then mushroom.
  4. top that shit with thyme, drizzle with EVOO and cover it with foil  or parchment  paper.
  5. bake this badassery for about 45-55 min. I like mine more crunchy and not falling apart, savy?
IMG_0468

Ratatouille MY way

Now the French pirate in me likes to scoop some of this onto a plate of soft couscous pearls and top it with creamy goat cheese and have it with a velvety sweet red wine…… but the first mate says shredded gouda is better. lol. This stuff does not stay in the fridge…I have to make two usually. It’s that fucking good. Pardon my French but….  Bon Appetit mutha fuckas.  Try new things every day, you might be surprised! 

IMG_0561

 

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Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash!

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash!

Y’all know by now that I like to stuff stuff in stuff…then eat it. This morning I awoke with a great hankering for something nutty and woodsy and savory. It also happens to be the day after the supreme court ruled that  Gay Marriage is legalized! So there’s a reason to celebrate with a colorful meal. I used all the colors of the rainbow accept indigo… because blueberries would taste fucking AARRGGFUL in this dish. I know squash is usually a fall favorite but I love squash year round and you would too if you knew what’s good for you. Acorn squash is rich in vitamins, minerals, dietary fiber and antioxidant compounds. A diet with a high intake of the nutrients provided by acorn squash may decrease the risk of a number of serious medical conditions. To read more about the awesomeness of acorn squash see here: acorn squash is awesome. I made some badass beet risotto a couple of days ago and couldn’t wait to stuff it into stuff so here it is…

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 1 large acorn squash
  • 6 cups chicken broth
  • a lot of EVOO (I like truffle oil myself)
  • 1 12 cups Arborio rice large 
  • 1 large beet peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes
  • 1 small yellow onion chopped
  • 1 stalk celery chopped
  • whole clove garlic
  • 12 cup dry red wine (the rest of the bottle is for you)
  • Himalayan salt and pepper
  • goat cheese
  • thyme
  • a couple of rainbow cherry & grape tomatoes
  • an egg because eggs are fucking amazing.

…… the magic:

  1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
  2. chop onion and celery beets and some garlic
  3. In a medium pot, warm the broth over medium heat.
  4. In a large skillet heat 3 tablespoons olive oil over medium high heat.
  5. Stir in the rice to coat with the oil, toast for 2 minutes.
  6. Add the beets, onion and garlic and cook until softened, about 5 minutes.
  7. Pour in the wine and cook until absorbed into the rice, drink the wine, yes, right out of the bottle.
  8. then begin adding broth a couple of ladles at a time, stirring with each addition, until the rice is cooked, about 20 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
  9. While the risotto is cooking, get out your cutlass and swashbuckle that acorn squash in half (upright) and scoop out the seeds and hairy shit, then slice off the tips so they sit on a foil lined pan. Pour olive oil all over the inside and bottoms and season with salt and pepper and roast upside down in a 425 degree oven for 20 minutes. Add the peeled garlic to the pan around the acorn squash halves and coat them with oil as well, sprinkle thyme and roast. More wine.
  10. turn squash over and fill with risotto top with goat cheese and roasted garlic
  11. quick fry an egg (I like mine runny of course) and plop it on top.
  12. add sliced tomatoes to still hot egg pan and heat them with some balsamic vinegar and salt… slap them on top too
  13. add some fresh thyme. cause we all need more of that shit….
  14. drink more wine…the good stuff.

You should have beet risotto left after this… use it for ERRYTHANG! Really, its good with pork, chicken, what evs. See below on how to half the squash, take off the tips, and fill it with risotto and goat cheese. Not everyone likes eggs… so I hear. That’s INSANE…but if you don’t want to put an egg on it, its still awesome like this…

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash

Stuffed Acorn Squash

Stuffed acorn squash

Voila! One for me, and one for the neighbor wench, who would rather her squash be stuffed with mushrooms and spinach on a bed of beet risotto. NO EGG> weird. Bon Apetite ya scurvs! Eat drink and let gays be married!

 

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Squash Taco boat with holy green sauce!

Squash Taco boat with holy green sauce!

Hells muthafuckn yeah! It’s taco Tuesday again. So here’s one of my fav taco dishes fo dat ass.  It’s actually good for your ass too, because it’s made from a butternut squash! First of all, I really dig butternut squashes because they are so useful for every season.   Secondly, because they look like disco sticks.  I know, I know, sorry.. but tis true, and any time I can serve phallic shaped foods is fun for me, fun for you, fun for everyone! Alas, there is no picking this up and looking silly eating it.  It shall be devoured with a “dinglehopper”!  Yes, this dish is a “better choice” taco because it’s stuffed to the gills with lean ground turkey and other crap that’s good for you.  Long live… you!  And long live the Captain…. that’s me. 🙂

…..in-greed-ients

  • 1 butternut squash (the most “King Richard” shaped one you can find)
  • 1 lb lean ground turkey
  • 2- 3 tomatoes (depends on the voluptuousness of these ladies)
  • 1 white onion
  • 1 can low sodium black beans (rinsed)
  • olive oil (some…?)
  • Himalayan pink salt & fresh cracked black pepper
  • mexican shredded cheese …. if you wish to top this marvelous creature with its gooey goodness

…..holy green sauce batman!

  • 1 clove garlic -peeled with this other phallic like yet really badass thing
  • 1 juice of lime
  • cilantro -hand full
  • 1 serrano pepper -seeded and chopped
  • 1 green ancho pepper – roasted is better
  • 1/4 avocado
  • olive oil
  • chipotle powder
  • light greek yogurt -a heaping spoonful
  • flavorgod’s “spicy everything” seasoning
  • a pinch of salt
  • a squirt bottle (cooks that don’t play, already have one of these…get one son)

……the magic begins

  1. preheat oven to 400*
  2. Slice that wang in half, scoop out its seed and  lube it all up with OIL (or butter if you live dangerously) on the inside and salt & pepper
  3. bake it UPSIDE DOWN for about 30-40 min, until its pokeable, then slice some cubes out of the middle but leave a good amount like a bowl on the sides.
  4. whilst this is baking brown diced onions in olive oil in skillet, add turkey and brown until…. well.. until its brown.
  5. add diced tomato and rinsed black beans… cook a wee bit more
  6. whilst THAT is cooking, blend all sauce items in a blender, food processor, immersion blender…what evs. Blend that shit till creamy. If its too thick to be squirted, add more olive oil and lime juice.
  7. Now mix butternut chunks with meat mixture, and scoop back into the squash halves and broil on low for 8-10 min with or without cheese.
  8. fill squirt bottle with green stuff, and squirt the holy green sauce all. over. that. Johnson.
  9. take many pictures and send them to your friends
  10. Now, I can tell you, to eat a D.

So, this serves two hungry adults….. and some children who wont eat the squash, but they will eat the taco mix stuffed into some cheap ass taco shells.  They might pick out some of the beans or onions… but they can’t get them all!  I tell mine to “Eat it or starve you little insubordinate skullsucker! Walk the plank!”

 

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Roasted Truffle Cauliflower & Cabbage

Roasted Truffle Cauliflower & Cabbage

Holy vegetables batman! We just can’t seem to get enough of this shit. I know some of you don’t “enjoy” cabbage or think cauliflower is blah… well… you sir/ ma’am are fucking lame. Wake up and smell the truffle oil spray y’all!  Go getchu some  if you cant find it. order it.  Its that awesome.  http://www.amazon.com/Mantova-Spray-Virgin-Truffle-8-Ounce/dp/B005HFZ0RG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434144005&sr=8-1&keywords=mantova+truffle+spray Some say it has a weird smell or flavor… well, yeah, if you eat it out of the spray can. Anyhow, Its good for fries, veggies, whatevs. Spray that shit on the poop deck for all I care and watch em all fall down. The spray isn’t that cheap, but that’s still cheap entertainment.

PS.  This particular snack does not stay crunchy in the fridge as well as we wish it would … so for parties its magical!  Good thing it doesn’t last on the table anyway, I barely even got any… its that fucking good.

.….in-greed-ients

  • whole cauliflower
  • whole purple cabbage
  • can of black truffle oil spray
  • 1/2 cup parmesan cheese
  • foil and an oven that doesn’t suck (like mine)

The magic:

  1. Preheat oven to 425*
  2. Slice veggies into discs / slices abou1/4-1/2 half an inch thick depending on how savy you are with a blade.
  3. lay them straight… on a few foil lined cookie sheets or baking pans
  4. spray the shit out of them and salt and pepper and cheese coat them to your hearts content
  5. bake like crazy.. no, just for about 35-40 min.  I like to broil for a few at the end for a crunch.
  6. that’s it… why are you still reading this.. go make it now!

I am a land lubber too.. and a lubber of nature.  I am so glad it’s magnolia season again.  My kitchen smells like my grandmas house and its AAARRGG-some!

 

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