A pirates life for me!, Party People, Put it in your mouth, Snack like you mean it, Stuffing stuff in stuff

GOING HAM ROLLS!

This fourth of July I made several things (I will post next). One of which was my “goin HAM rolls”. These rolls aren’t magic but they are pretty damned tasty… enough to be requested every year. I scoured the internet for a recipe just like it but apparently it’s pretty original. Everyone makes these with just pickles and cream cheese or rolled in tortilla to make pinwheels…ok. What ever floats your schooner.  I usually alter my recipes over time…this one is from my late momma and I don’t have to change it at all.  Mother effing Perfection rolled up and swallowed.  The key to a great “party appetizer” is simple first, then tasty… don’t try to be too fancy when it just needs to be a counter top finger food item.  From the Master at Arms down to the powder monkeys and swabbers alike, they will ALL have their dirty nose pickers all over these sons a bitches. So get out the biggest cutting board you’ve got in the scullery and go crazy! AAAAAaahhhhhhh!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 packs of rectangle ham. Comes with about 20 or so pieces of ham.
  • 2 packs of 8 0z cream cheese -the softer the better
  • 1 yellow bell sliced long ways very thin
  • 2-3 roma tomatoes sliced in long strips
  • 2 giant dill pickles – sliced thin strips but slice out soft seedy middles and eat them now.. you probably need a snack… and no one likes soggy pickle spears in their ham rolls.
  • several slices of red onion – use the outside long pieces not the small round center pieces
  • 7-9 pieces of pre cooked bacon (I like the spicy jalepeno bacon for this)
  • 5-6 slices of sharp cheddar cheese -sliced in 1/4 inch thin strips
  • flavorgod, spicy everything seasoning –Spicy Everything
  • Himalayan salt & cracked pepper
  • garlic powder

……. ROLL magic:

  1. cut everything to fit the size of the ham rolls, nothing should stick out on the sides.
  2. lay out them slices of ham all over the board
  3. take about a whole finger sized chunk of cream cheese and slap it on one side of the ham slice, continue this for all slices.. put cream cheese finger on the same side on all.
  4. use a butter knife to spread the cream cheese across the ham… not the entire slice should be covered…just leave a half inch not slathered.
  5. place a piece of bacon on the blank spaces
  6. place a slice of bell
  7. slice of pickle
  8. slice of onion
  9. slice of tomato
  10. slice of thin cheese
  11. sprinkle all with seasonings
  12. start roll with food side and roll towards thick cream cheese side. The cream cheese will be like glue.
  13. eat the rest of the stuffs… my favorite part.

AVAST YE! You’ve done it. Now try not to eat them all before the party. Here is some wacky ass shit. Watch it….and GO HAM!

A pirates life for me!, Appetizers that don't suck, Put it in your mouth

Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Well slap my ass and call me a salty dog! I made a pretzel and dipped it thangs!  Here’s the story:

I was alone, reluctantly carrying the gazillion grocery bags in from the desert wasteland we call my driveway in texas. The bags were cheap, probably recycled beyond usable standards. The door was soooo far away…. then a bag broke… I caught it… whew!  Then, I heard a POP!  I felt a doughy sticky limp coldness in the bottom of my last bag. “I wasn’t planning on making bread tonight”  I yelled to myself.  Fuck it, I plopped it on a pan and made a pretzel shape.  Alas, the dough kept shrinking like a chocolate starfish out of water. So I improvised! I stuck some oven safe bowls in the holes to keep the shape. Voila.. built in dipping bowls!  I sprinkled it with thyme, garlic butter, parmesan & my new artisan balsamic salt (I finally have a good selection of artisan infused salts) see here: Artisan salts ROCKIMG_4798It was the perfect appetizer to my grilled butterfly pork chop and home made beet risotto! I love beet risotto, too bad the first mate hates beets… oh well, more for the Captain! Huzzah!

IMG_4911Now you can’t rightly eat a pretzel without a dip. I love dips… sauces.. hot sauces… anything saucy and creamy. Check out my hot sauce group on Facebook here: DO YOU EVEN SAUCE BRO So here are my instructions and dip recipes. Don’t laugh at how simple this all is….. some people need simple so I’m giving them this. Eat it.

…..in-greed-ients

  • 1 can Italian bread dough
  • spray garlic oil or garlic butter melted
  • balsamic salt (Himalayan will do)
  • thyme
  • 1/4 cup parmesan shredded
  • 1 can of nacho cheese soup
  • 1 dark beer (I like Leinenkugel -Big Butt Doppelbock)
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce
  • 1 whole clove garlic

……..yeasty magic:

  1. spray a foil lined cookie sheet
  2. Take out dough snake. Plop it down and make a pretzel
  3. stick some of those small oven safe bowls (for salsa and queso or small ramekins) in the holes.
  4. baste it with butter / oil spray
  5. seasoning and thyme
  6. surround pretzel with raw garlic cloves (coated in butter / oil as well)
  7. bake for 25 min @350
  8. take out with 5 min to spare (take off garlic) sprinkle parm and broil for last 4 min.

……. the dippy magic:

  1. open can of NACHO cheese soup  pour into a sauce pan
  2. add half beer… stir and simmer
  3. pour cheese into pretzel bowl
  4. heat up pizza sauce same way and pour into the second bowl
  5. put garlic in third bowl. Roasted garlic is soooo good for you, it helps aid against cancer, cold sores, food poisoning, UTI’s, scurvy..ect… see here: Garlic is awesome

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So, now you have a quick easy appetizer to grub whilst you wait for the grill to heat up. Happy feasting!  Drink up me hearties YOHO! Here is some weird shit.

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