A pirates life for me!, It aint easy bein cheesy, Put it in your mouth, skulls & hearts, Stuffing stuff in stuff, Taco Tuesday

Taco Frito Empanadas!

Why Yes, I do like to theme cook! I theme dress, theme drink and theme party, why not theme cook too? On Tuesdays we TACO…..or some version of something “taco like”.  I serve Mexican beer or we take tequila shots and sometimes I wear my tiny sombrero. Its mucho adorkable. This week I made taco empanadas with fritos and ranch beans…..and it was a bitchin success! I made 6 and it fed 3 with 2 for the first mate to take to work the next day. This shit was so easy… even a white girl can do it! Most empanadas are of Latin origin, have a pastry shell, and either a savory or a sweet filling. As you know, I am a savory wench. A lot of empanada recipes have cheese inside it.. I don’t like to do that because when reheating them, the cheese gets fucking weird. So I made a chipotle queso sauce to smother these fuckers with. Also, no taco type substance is complete without an avocado element. Hence, HOLY GUACAMOLE! (not included in this post) The minion was all “I don’t like the yellow things” and I was all…”suck it up and eat it or starve!”  Long story long… the crew didn’t starve, and will survive to fight another day thanks to Captain D’kay and her taco frito empanadas!



  • 2 thawed pie pastrys (comes with two per box usually)
  • some flour – to keep things from getting sticky
  • 1/2 lb lean ground beef
  • 1/2 can rotel with chilies
  • 1/2 can golden hominy
  • 1/4 diced white onion
  • some minced garlic
  • 1/2 cup fritos- crushed (like when chang crushes fritos in OITNB…if you have seen that one)
  • taco seasoning mix-powder
  • 2 green jalepenos – diced and deseeded 
  • 1 can RANCH BEANS – that’s right.. because this is MY WAY damnit! 
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp taco sauce

…….Dama El Grande Queso!:

  • 1/2 cup sharp cheddar
  • 1/2 cup monterey jack 
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 tbsp flour
  • smoked chipotle powder
  • garlic powder

…… Taco magic: 

  1. pour evoo in a large deep pan
  2. brown onions for 2 minutes then add garlic
  3. add beef and taco seasoning – brown
  4. add rotel and hominy
  5. smash ranch beans in a bowl with a potato masher- HULK SMASH!
  6. a round of tequila shots for you, yourself and your other hand.  You deserve it!
  7. roll out pie dough on floured surface
  8. cut out rounds as big as your hand (makes about 6 depending on your size- I put my hand down and make a circle around it with my blade)
  9. press scraps together and make more rounds – it’s easy if you try.
  10. spoon some beans onto the middle of each round
  11. spoon some beef mix onto the middle of each round
  12. top with some crushed fritos 
  13. fold over and press down on sides with fingers
  14. fork around the edges to seal
  15. pour some taco sauce in a small bowl and whisk with egg- it gives the crust a shiny brown finish. 
  16. egg wash the whole thing with a brush
  17. poke some holes to release pressure with a fork
  18. I like to make shapes with the left over dough and stick them on with egg wash… like hearts, stars, and skulls like this one that is in the mail on it’s way to me. It will be mine!… skull cookie cutter
  19. bake these beaners for about 15 – 20 min depending on how golden you like them. I like my crispy and brown
  20. take a shot of Tequila!

………cheesy magic: 

  1. heat butter in a small sauce pot
  2. add flour to make a paste
  3. whisk in milk
  4. add cheese 
  5. add chipotle and garlic seasoning
  6. bathe your tongue in this cheesy goodness! Drench the empanadas with this golden love sauce. 

…..Holy Guacamole! 

This, I must divulge in another post… can’t give away all my secrets in one day!  You can either make your own or buy some store crap until then….Tequila Shot! Drink up me hearties yo ho! 

Me with my Tiny Sombrero
A pirates life for me!, Stuffing stuff in stuff, Taco Tuesday

Lean Turkey Lettuce Wraps…with holy green sauce!

It was TaCo TuEsDaY last night y’all and you know I never skip a meal!  Alas I am trying to stay on the healthy train though so lettuce wraps are a good alternative to tacos. I have been craving PF Changs lettuce wraps but pillaging and looting hasn’t been so great lately, so I made my very own… with some twists of course. First off, I use lean ground turkey instead of chicken and mine are somewhere around 350 calories instead of 530 calories like our friend Changs. Usually, I’m like “FUKIT” but my ASS is large and in charge and it needs to calm the fuck down. IMG_2355SO, without further adoo…. Behold, the badassery that is “Lean turkey lettuce wraps”  along with the most coveted of my booty of sauces “The Holy Green Sauce”.  This really took about 30 minutes tops (that includes making the sauce) Please, hold the applause until the end of the performance. IMG_0336


  • EVOO
  • 1 lb lean ground turkey
  • minced garlic – don’t be shy now
  • 1/2 large white onion – diced- Have I ever shared how to swashbuckle an onion properly?  Please watch this, it will make you a better person. –You’re doing it ALL WRONG
  • ginger – as much or as little as you want 
  • 1/4 cup peanut sauce, I like the organic brands at whole foods 
  • 1/4 cup orange stir fry sauce
  • 1 tbsp. white rice wine vinegar
  • 1 8 ounce can sliced water chestnuts – What do you call nuts on your chest? ANSWER HERE!
  • 4 green onions
  • sriracha (all of it…lol)
  • 1-2 heads romain (or butter) lettuce.
  • red pepper flakes

…..turkey magic:

  1. Heat olive oil in a large sauce pan, add turkey and cook until browned, swashbuckle it while it cooks
  2. stir in minced garlic and white onion, all sauces & vinegar
  3. 2 min later, stir in chestnuts and some sriracha and red pepper flakes
  4. cook for like 2 more minutes… just to be sure.
  5. load that shit in a lettuce taco and top it with green onions


  • a whole clove of roasted garlic
  • a bunch of cilantro
  • juice a whole large lime
  • half of an avocado
  • EVOO (about 1/4 cup)
  • a dollop of greek yogurt
  • 4 serrano peppers (seeded and chopped)
  • (optional: 1 roasted ancho pepper)
  • flavorgod’s spicy everything seasoning
  • smoked chipotle
  • Himalayan salt – if you think you need it.

Blend that shit to a creamy mess in a food processor and taste it to make sure it’s not poison.  I keep mine in a Guy Fieri squirt tube for easy access. PUT THAT SHIT ON EVERYTHING!

Now, squirt holy green sauce and sriracha over your turkey wrap tacos and enjoy… as you see here, I did. Thoroughly.


A pirates life for me!, Taco Tuesday

Squash Taco boat with holy green sauce!

Hells muthafuckn yeah! It’s taco Tuesday again. So here’s one of my fav taco dishes fo dat ass.  It’s actually good for your ass too, because it’s made from a butternut squash! First of all, I really dig butternut squashes because they are so useful for every season.   Secondly, because they look like disco sticks.  I know, I know, sorry.. but tis true, and any time I can serve phallic shaped foods is fun for me, fun for you, fun for everyone! Alas, there is no picking this up and looking silly eating it.  It shall be devoured with a “dinglehopper”!  Yes, this dish is a “better choice” taco because it’s stuffed to the gills with lean ground turkey and other crap that’s good for you.  Long live… you!  And long live the Captain…. that’s me. 🙂


  • 1 butternut squash (the most “King Richard” shaped one you can find)
  • 1 lb lean ground turkey
  • 2- 3 tomatoes (depends on the voluptuousness of these ladies)
  • 1 white onion
  • 1 can low sodium black beans (rinsed)
  • olive oil (some…?)
  • Himalayan pink salt & fresh cracked black pepper
  • mexican shredded cheese …. if you wish to top this marvelous creature with its gooey goodness

…..holy green sauce batman!

  • 1 clove garlic -peeled with this other phallic like yet really badass thing

  • 1 juice of lime
  • cilantro -hand full
  • 1 serrano pepper -seeded and chopped
  • 1 green ancho pepper – roasted is better
  • 1/4 avocado
  • olive oil
  • chipotle powder
  • light greek yogurt -a heaping spoonful
  • flavorgod’s “spicy everything” seasoning
  • a pinch of salt
  • a squirt bottle (cooks that don’t play, already have one of these…get one son)

……the magic begins

  1. preheat oven to 400*
  2. Slice that wang in half, scoop out its seed and  lube it all up with OIL (or butter if you live dangerously) on the inside and salt & pepper
  3. bake it UPSIDE DOWN for about 30-40 min, until its pokeable, then slice some cubes out of the middle but leave a good amount like a bowl on the sides.
  4. whilst this is baking brown diced onions in olive oil in skillet, add turkey and brown until…. well.. until its brown.
  5. add diced tomato and rinsed black beans… cook a wee bit more
  6. whilst THAT is cooking, blend all sauce items in a blender, food processor, immersion blender…what evs. Blend that shit till creamy. If its too thick to be squirted, add more olive oil and lime juice.
  7. Now mix butternut chunks with meat mixture, and scoop back into the squash halves and broil on low for 8-10 min with or without cheese.
  8. fill squirt bottle with green stuff, and squirt the holy green sauce all. over. that. Johnson.
  9. take many pictures and send them to your friends
  10. Now, I can tell you, to eat a D.

So, this serves two hungry adults….. and some children who wont eat the squash, but they will eat the taco mix stuffed into some cheap ass taco shells.  They might pick out some of the beans or onions… but they can’t get them all!  I tell mine to “Eat it or starve you little insubordinate skullsucker! Walk the plank!”

A pirates life for me!, pirates, Taco Tuesday

Fish Tacos with Mango salsa & bacon!

So, my first mate loves to fish, but only in the sea because fresh water fishing is “boring”.  Which means, I get to spend the  entire days he goes fishing… at the beach Booiiii! 

That aslo means we have flounder, sheepshead, trout, mackerel, blue crabs…..ect… on hand most of the year.  Every Tuesday I get a hankering for some form of tacos… hence, fish tacos on #tacotuesday! These flounder tacos were flipping delish.  I saved two for the neighbors like I always do, because I’m an over sharer…but then they disappeared… into my belly…. which I call “The Kraken”.

….bottoms up

  • 6-8 small corn tortillas (I know them fuckers come in a pack of 1 zillion so it doesn’t matter how many I say here)
  • pam
  • muffin / cupcake pan

here fishy fishy:

  • 3 filets flounder – thawed
  • 1 ginger root
  • whole clove garlic
  • 1 lemon
  • 1 tbsp butter (reaaalll butter damnit)

…lets do the salsa:

  • 3 fat green jalepenos – sliced
  • 1 ear roasted corn – cut off the cob please
  • 3-5 orange baby bell peppers -sliced  / or 1 reg bell -diced
  • a hand full of cherry tomatoes -cut in halves
  • cilantro – I like that shit yo. -chopped
  • lime juice
  • 1 mango – cubed

…to top it off:

  • 4 strips pre cooked maple bacon – break that shit up
  • man, if you don’t have any Torchy’s “damn good diablo” sauce yet…http://torchystacos.com/store/hot-sauce/ getchusome and swirl it on top of stuff  like this. Shit… you can even lick it off of… things.. (note to self: use torchys sauce for sexy food play night)

Now for the magic:

  1. Puree ginger , lemon juice & garlic and coat the fish. Wrap in a foil pouch with all puree on top and throw some damn butter on it too… let it sit in fridge.
  2. Preheat oven to 400*. Spray the bottom of the cupcake pan with pam and place tortillas in between to make “cups”. Bake them for about 8 min (or until crispy, I mean, whos oven is always accurate anyway.)  I’m pretty sure that only 3 or 4 can fit at a time so… you will have to do this shit twice or three times.
  3. Bake fish pouch 10-15 min @400. (with second batch of taco cups but watch them.. I burned a few here)
  4. Whilst that is baking, chop all the salsa ingredients and squeeze lime all over it. (salt and pepper if you wish).
  5. get the pre cooked bacon ready… tear it up… what ever. If you didn’t pre cook it, now you will wish you had
  6. now spoon some salsa in to the cups, place a chunk of ginger fish on top, crumble bacon, swirl the sauce… and HUZZAH!!!
  7. Eat that shit. It’s so good.