Appetizers that don't suck, Crew Favorites, Imaginary food truck item, Party People, Stuffing stuff in stuff

Cuban Eggrolls!

National FOOD TRUCK day was spent at home this year….we are preparing for our annual Halloween extravaganza and thusly are too poor to go downtown just for food. I still needed some food truck in my life. So, I prepared one of the items that I would sell from my imaginary food truck. CUBANO EGGROLLS fool! I mean, obvs i’m big into “fusion” foods.. and obvs i’m creative AF…..but I am also super into promoting local. (In case you didn’t already know).  I purchased this cannon-balls relish called  Dillapeno (<<buy it here <<) relish from the Smithers Family at the  Houston Hot Sauce Festival I attend every year.  If you love pickles.. as I do… PLEASE try this shiz. I used it in place of pickle slices in my cubans. I made waaay to many but luckily I have a large hungry crew of friends who randomly sail by to graze grub…. otherwise I would be way larger and way in charger.  On my food truck, I would make these dericious cuban wraps becasue they are totally finger food and totally a “quickie” item. I wrap so tight… you should too.       

………in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pack of eggroll wraps
  • 1/4 lb swiss cheese slices
  • 1/2 lb of roasted pork slices
  • 1/2 lb of sliced ham…preferably smoked somehow.
  • a thing of spicy / sweet dijon mustard
  • some dill jalepeno relish
  • garlic powder, salt & pepper
  • egg wash
  • stuff for frying.. ie: pan, oil, fire.

…….Cuban magic:

  1. lay an eggroll wrap on a cutting board
  2. throw down the ham
  3. throw down the pork
  4. slap it with a half slice of cheese
  5. spoon out some relish
  6. squirt out some ‘tard
  7. season
  8. roll…..just roll along…..just roll along….
  9. egg wash to seal
  10. fry that shit.

This halloween, the first mate is going to be a zombie Ricky Ricardo and I am going to be a Zombie Lucy so we need to practice our cuban dancing….. so here:

A pirates life for me!, It aint easy bein cheesy, Put it in your mouth, skulls & hearts, Stuffing stuff in stuff, Taco Tuesday

Taco Frito Empanadas!

Why Yes, I do like to theme cook! I theme dress, theme drink and theme party, why not theme cook too? On Tuesdays we TACO…..or some version of something “taco like”.  I serve Mexican beer or we take tequila shots and sometimes I wear my tiny sombrero. Its mucho adorkable. This week I made taco empanadas with fritos and ranch beans…..and it was a bitchin success! I made 6 and it fed 3 with 2 for the first mate to take to work the next day. This shit was so easy… even a white girl can do it! Most empanadas are of Latin origin, have a pastry shell, and either a savory or a sweet filling. As you know, I am a savory wench. A lot of empanada recipes have cheese inside it.. I don’t like to do that because when reheating them, the cheese gets fucking weird. So I made a chipotle queso sauce to smother these fuckers with. Also, no taco type substance is complete without an avocado element. Hence, HOLY GUACAMOLE! (not included in this post) The minion was all “I don’t like the yellow things” and I was all…”suck it up and eat it or starve!”  Long story long… the crew didn’t starve, and will survive to fight another day thanks to Captain D’kay and her taco frito empanadas!

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……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 thawed pie pastrys (comes with two per box usually)
  • some flour – to keep things from getting sticky
  • 1/2 lb lean ground beef
  • 1/2 can rotel with chilies
  • 1/2 can golden hominy
  • 1/4 diced white onion
  • some minced garlic
  • 1/2 cup fritos- crushed (like when chang crushes fritos in OITNB…if you have seen that one)
  • taco seasoning mix-powder
  • 2 green jalepenos – diced and deseeded 
  • 1 can RANCH BEANS – that’s right.. because this is MY WAY damnit! 
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp taco sauce

…….Dama El Grande Queso!:

  • 1/2 cup sharp cheddar
  • 1/2 cup monterey jack 
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 tbsp flour
  • smoked chipotle powder
  • garlic powder

…… Taco magic: 

  1. pour evoo in a large deep pan
  2. brown onions for 2 minutes then add garlic
  3. add beef and taco seasoning – brown
  4. add rotel and hominy
  5. smash ranch beans in a bowl with a potato masher- HULK SMASH!
  6. a round of tequila shots for you, yourself and your other hand.  You deserve it!
  7. roll out pie dough on floured surface
  8. cut out rounds as big as your hand (makes about 6 depending on your size- I put my hand down and make a circle around it with my blade)
  9. press scraps together and make more rounds – it’s easy if you try.
  10. spoon some beans onto the middle of each round
  11. spoon some beef mix onto the middle of each round
  12. top with some crushed fritos 
  13. fold over and press down on sides with fingers
  14. fork around the edges to seal
  15. pour some taco sauce in a small bowl and whisk with egg- it gives the crust a shiny brown finish. 
  16. egg wash the whole thing with a brush
  17. poke some holes to release pressure with a fork
  18. I like to make shapes with the left over dough and stick them on with egg wash… like hearts, stars, and skulls like this one that is in the mail on it’s way to me. It will be mine!… skull cookie cutter
  19. bake these beaners for about 15 – 20 min depending on how golden you like them. I like my crispy and brown
  20. take a shot of Tequila!

………cheesy magic: 

  1. heat butter in a small sauce pot
  2. add flour to make a paste
  3. whisk in milk
  4. add cheese 
  5. add chipotle and garlic seasoning
  6. bathe your tongue in this cheesy goodness! Drench the empanadas with this golden love sauce. 

…..Holy Guacamole! 

This, I must divulge in another post… can’t give away all my secrets in one day!  You can either make your own or buy some store crap until then….Tequila Shot! Drink up me hearties yo ho! 

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Me with my Tiny Sombrero
A pirates life for me!, Appetizers that don't suck, Crew Favorites, It aint easy bein cheesy, Stuffing stuff in stuff

PIZZA BUNDT!

Holy pepperoni batman! Thank the gods for pizza bundt cake! The crew had been begging for something bad… something so bad it’s good. I can’t lie… I had the itch too.  I had heard of such a thing before, but never had I been privy to such a tasty mouthful of desire before. I’m literally drooling whilst writing about it. Maybe I will have that last tiny slice in the fridge real quick…..IMG_1095

OK, now I can continue. The first mate finally (after I tortured him and threatened the plank) decided to grace me with his presence in the skullery. I loved that he got his hands dirty… dirty with pizza juices!  This was so simple and perfect for a Friday night for our Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.  I don’t usually like to slave away on Friday nights but, I’m currently poor and still hungry. Hence… PIZZA BUNDT is amazeballs.  Especially when its drunk drizzled with a zesty pizza sauce.  Also, I did everything the lazy way.. no organic or home made shit in this recipe. Sometimes you gotta let loose and eat junk. We are fat and happy today. You should be too. Huzzah!

……..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 Cans of rolled Pizza Dough
  • 2 cups Mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • a healthy hand full of a really good Italian seasoning
  • a few fresh basil leaves chopped small
  • ⅓ cup EVOO
  • 1 – 8 oz package of teeny mini pepperoni (turkeyroni will work too)
  • a few spoonfulls of fresh minced garlic
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of  drained pineapple chunks
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of drained sliced black olives
  • 1 small jar of zesty pizza sauce

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………PIZZA magic:

  1. preheat oven to 350
  2. chop dough in to slices then quarters
  3. mix all this shit ACCEPT the sauce, in a large bowl….toss it and floss it. Use your hands…..it’s more fun.  
  4. put it all in to a sprayed bundt pan
  5. bake uncovered for about 25-30 minutes
  6. plop it on a plate, serving tray, and cover with sauce (it’s like pizza icing)
  7. sprinkle with more parm
  8. slice and stuff it in your face
Pizza bundt
Pizza bundt
A pirates life for me!, Party People, Put it in your mouth, Snack like you mean it, Stuffing stuff in stuff

GOING HAM ROLLS!

This fourth of July I made several things (I will post next). One of which was my “goin HAM rolls”. These rolls aren’t magic but they are pretty damned tasty… enough to be requested every year. I scoured the internet for a recipe just like it but apparently it’s pretty original. Everyone makes these with just pickles and cream cheese or rolled in tortilla to make pinwheels…ok. What ever floats your schooner.  I usually alter my recipes over time…this one is from my late momma and I don’t have to change it at all.  Mother effing Perfection rolled up and swallowed.  The key to a great “party appetizer” is simple first, then tasty… don’t try to be too fancy when it just needs to be a counter top finger food item.  From the Master at Arms down to the powder monkeys and swabbers alike, they will ALL have their dirty nose pickers all over these sons a bitches. So get out the biggest cutting board you’ve got in the scullery and go crazy! AAAAAaahhhhhhh!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 packs of rectangle ham. Comes with about 20 or so pieces of ham.
  • 2 packs of 8 0z cream cheese -the softer the better
  • 1 yellow bell sliced long ways very thin
  • 2-3 roma tomatoes sliced in long strips
  • 2 giant dill pickles – sliced thin strips but slice out soft seedy middles and eat them now.. you probably need a snack… and no one likes soggy pickle spears in their ham rolls.
  • several slices of red onion – use the outside long pieces not the small round center pieces
  • 7-9 pieces of pre cooked bacon (I like the spicy jalepeno bacon for this)
  • 5-6 slices of sharp cheddar cheese -sliced in 1/4 inch thin strips
  • flavorgod, spicy everything seasoning –Spicy Everything
  • Himalayan salt & cracked pepper
  • garlic powder

……. ROLL magic:

  1. cut everything to fit the size of the ham rolls, nothing should stick out on the sides.
  2. lay out them slices of ham all over the board
  3. take about a whole finger sized chunk of cream cheese and slap it on one side of the ham slice, continue this for all slices.. put cream cheese finger on the same side on all.
  4. use a butter knife to spread the cream cheese across the ham… not the entire slice should be covered…just leave a half inch not slathered.
  5. place a piece of bacon on the blank spaces
  6. place a slice of bell
  7. slice of pickle
  8. slice of onion
  9. slice of tomato
  10. slice of thin cheese
  11. sprinkle all with seasonings
  12. start roll with food side and roll towards thick cream cheese side. The cream cheese will be like glue.
  13. eat the rest of the stuffs… my favorite part.

AVAST YE! You’ve done it. Now try not to eat them all before the party. Here is some wacky ass shit. Watch it….and GO HAM!

A pirates life for me!, Stuffing stuff in stuff, Taco Tuesday

Lean Turkey Lettuce Wraps…with holy green sauce!

It was TaCo TuEsDaY last night y’all and you know I never skip a meal!  Alas I am trying to stay on the healthy train though so lettuce wraps are a good alternative to tacos. I have been craving PF Changs lettuce wraps but pillaging and looting hasn’t been so great lately, so I made my very own… with some twists of course. First off, I use lean ground turkey instead of chicken and mine are somewhere around 350 calories instead of 530 calories like our friend Changs. Usually, I’m like “FUKIT” but my ASS is large and in charge and it needs to calm the fuck down. IMG_2355SO, without further adoo…. Behold, the badassery that is “Lean turkey lettuce wraps”  along with the most coveted of my booty of sauces “The Holy Green Sauce”.  This really took about 30 minutes tops (that includes making the sauce) Please, hold the applause until the end of the performance. IMG_0336

….in-greed-ients

  • EVOO
  • 1 lb lean ground turkey
  • minced garlic – don’t be shy now
  • 1/2 large white onion – diced- Have I ever shared how to swashbuckle an onion properly?  Please watch this, it will make you a better person. –You’re doing it ALL WRONG
  • ginger – as much or as little as you want 
  • 1/4 cup peanut sauce, I like the organic brands at whole foods 
  • 1/4 cup orange stir fry sauce
  • 1 tbsp. white rice wine vinegar
  • 1 8 ounce can sliced water chestnuts – What do you call nuts on your chest? ANSWER HERE!
  • 4 green onions
  • sriracha (all of it…lol)
  • 1-2 heads romain (or butter) lettuce.
  • red pepper flakes

…..turkey magic:

  1. Heat olive oil in a large sauce pan, add turkey and cook until browned, swashbuckle it while it cooks
  2. stir in minced garlic and white onion, all sauces & vinegar
  3. 2 min later, stir in chestnuts and some sriracha and red pepper flakes
  4. cook for like 2 more minutes… just to be sure.
  5. load that shit in a lettuce taco and top it with green onions

……..the HOLY GREEN SAUCE:

  • a whole clove of roasted garlic
  • a bunch of cilantro
  • juice a whole large lime
  • half of an avocado
  • EVOO (about 1/4 cup)
  • a dollop of greek yogurt
  • 4 serrano peppers (seeded and chopped)
  • (optional: 1 roasted ancho pepper)
  • flavorgod’s spicy everything seasoning
  • smoked chipotle
  • Himalayan salt – if you think you need it.

Blend that shit to a creamy mess in a food processor and taste it to make sure it’s not poison.  I keep mine in a Guy Fieri squirt tube for easy access. PUT THAT SHIT ON EVERYTHING!

Now, squirt holy green sauce and sriracha over your turkey wrap tacos and enjoy… as you see here, I did. Thoroughly.

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