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Category Archives: Southern as fuck

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 
  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

 

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Fridge Pickles!

Fridge Pickles!

Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember.  From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it.  I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise. 

…….Factoids & Graboids:

  • About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States. 
  • Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
  • Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
  • Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
  • During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
  • Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
  • Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
  • As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
  • Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
  • At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket. 
  • Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy! 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 6 Ball Jars
  • large brine making pot
  • about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
  • a shit ton of garlic cloves
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
  • about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
  • Fresh dill weed – a whole package 
  • a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
  • Red pepper flakes
  • ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
  • sriracha
  • Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
  • red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all. 
  • 9 cups of water 
  • 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt

……..Pickle Magic:

  1. Scrub and wash cukes
  2. scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
  3. chop cukes in slices or quarters
  4. boil water and vinegar 
  5. add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
  6. cool the liquid for a little bit
  7. fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill,  a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
  8. put some sliced hot peppers in 2
  9. put some sriracha & ginger in 2
  10. put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2 
  11. stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
  12. pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
  13. put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp 
  14. fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.  
  15. good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge. 

Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now.  You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas,  I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure!  So until then here is a weird  PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!

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Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

I am calling this a “sausage and purple cabbage strata” because the star is really the purple cabbage.. but the meat is muy importante to me as well. The most common modern variant is a brunch dish similar to a quiche or a frittata. So when making a strata, the only components you really have to have is stale bread, eggs, milk, cheese and some type of other shit. Really doesn’t matter what… but the best things that go in them are things like kale, shrooms, onions, bell peppers, fontina, mozzerella, parmesan, cabbage, chard, tomatoes and meat (old, new, ground, chunked, whatever..).The usual preparation requires the bread to be layered with the filling on top in order to produce layers. This pirate wench loves making strata’s… I put them in my category of “Dirty Pirate Hooker” meals. This eloquently named category is based upon the 5 qualifications:

  1. must be easy as fuck
  2. must be able to stick almost anything into them
  3. must be relatively cheap
  4. must be satisfying
  5. must serve a whole crew

I have made this many times but I believe this one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I have won the battle against hunger with every bite. If you know how to use an oven and a stove this should not take long to prepare… but I will explain my process in detail anyway. So don’t get discouraged by the lengthy directions….it really is easy. Also it’s best to make the night before and just pop it in the oven in the morning before the lazies get up…. and in 45 min, you are the victor!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pound breakfast sausage

    secret ingredient

    secret ingredient

  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup french onion dip –SECRET INGREDIENT 
  • 3-4 small french bread loaves, cubed
  • 2 1/2 cups shredded gruyere cheese
  • 3-4 baby bella shrooms – sliced
  • 1/2 yellow onion- chunky
  • 1-2 leeks 
  • 1/3 head purple cabbage
  • truffle oil
  • EVOO
  • garlic cloves
  • chipolte seasoning, himalayan salt and pink peppercorn & spicy everything seasoning from –FlavorGod

First things first.. the purple cabbage is like gold in this dish and must be treated like royalty. So, slice that purple head in disks and bathe the disks in truffle oil… along with the garlic cloves and leeks…cleaned properly here-leek prep.  If you don’t know how to peel garlic like a pro.. get this:easy as fuck garlic peeler.  I love truffle oil.  It’s my fav condiment besides hot sauce.

……Roasting magic:

  • Heat that oven to 400* and shove in the veggies- prepared, lathered & seasoned with all 3 seasonings from above
  • Pre warning, this roasting period is torture…you can smell it but you cant touch it… for about 40-45 minutes. You might want to take the leeks and garlic out at 20-25 min and leave the cabbage to finish sun tanning. Nobody likes burned garlic.
  • whilst you wait… butter the bottoms of your dishes of choice, I like my clay Cazuela, casserole dishes and pie dishes, but a 9X13 or 2 smaller ones will do.
  • cut the stale bread into cubes. Why stale? Because it helps soak the egg & cream mix without it getting soggy! When i say stale, I don’t mean hard and crusty.. these are not meant to be like hard tack…. just a little “un fresh”.
  • pour some EVOO into a large pan and brown the yellow onions
  • add sausage to pan, add seasoning and cook until done
  • add mushrooms last so they stay firm…just a minute or two more… then take off heat
  • the cabbage is done so chop the leeks and cabbage into large chunks and set aside.
  • mix eggs, milk, cream, dip, 2 cups of cheese and seasoning in a bowl and whisk it like you mean it.How to whisk like you mean it  here is a great video if you actually give a shit about learning stuff. Which I do.

……let’s layer this baby:

  1. (butter) bread cubes
  2. meat & shroom mix
  3. cabbage, garlic clove & leek mix
  4. creamy egg mix – poor it all over and watch it sink in.
  5. Cover it and cool it. Put these dishes in the fridge over night.

Next morning: bake that son of hooker at 350* for 45 min… top with the rest of the shredded cheese and serve it to the starving ungrateful masses. 

It’s just science.. that on this ship, he may have better hair than me, but I have more talent in my little finger.  Here’s to dirty pirate hookers! Huzzah!

 

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White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

The deck hand (my minion) loooooves grilled chicken, so when he found some little drumsticks on sale he insisted that we cook’em up! I had been wanting to try the “white BBQ” sauce that is all over the interwebs lately. Supposedly, it’s an Alabama created recipe. I love a good southern meal as much as the next gal, but like everything, it’s only good for you in moderation. So I hopped on the pinterest current and sure enough there are a few variations…..and like always, I added my own twists… and mine is better. ARRRGH! Just kiddding… or am I?  When he wants to pick out dinner it usually includes raw spinach or corn… those are really the only two veggies he enjoys eating. Fuckit, that’s better than some kids right? So we grilled up some husk-on corn and slathered it with pesto and parmesan… oh man… talk about a mouthgasm! This shit was quick, easy, and mouthy pleasey…….find out how:

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……..sauce in-greed-ients:

  • 1/2 cup miracle whip miracle whip is better than mayo because of 2 things. 1. there is more seasoning in miracle whip 2. there is a little less oil content than mayo. See here what the difference is:Miracle whip is like…  HA! just kidding.. actually:The great debate
  • 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
  • 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 2 tsp prepared horseradish
  • 2 tbsp chipotle mustard
  • ground black pepper
  • 1 tsp smokey artisan salt
  • cayenne powder
  • chipotle powder 
  • 4 garlic cloves minced

You need to prepare the white bbq sauce the day before you cook this grub. It needs to “marry” and get it on… in the privacy of your fridge over night…if you get my drift. So whip all of the ingredients in a mixing bowl and stick it in a container with a lid in the fridge and let the magic happen.

……..other in-greed-ients:

  • chicken drummettes – how ever many your little heart desires
  • corn in husk – as many as your belly can hold
  • garlic powder
  • salt
  • pepper
  • garlic butter
  • pesto
  • parmesan

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……….the magic:

  1. soak corn as is… in a giant something of water… for at least an hour.
  2. make sure drummettes are thaw, and pat them dry
  3. heat grill to 450
  4. coat the chicken in garlic powder, salt & pepper.
  5. pull husk back on corn, remove silk
  6. slather corn in garlic butter…..like a pro6a00d83451b8c369e200e54f5abbcd8833-800wi
  7. wrap husk back around corn
  8. grill corn and chicken together, on grates, flipping every 7 min.
  9. baste chicken with WHITE BBQ sauce last few minutes
  10. cook chicken to internal temp of 185
  11. cook corn for 20 -30 min
  12. cover chicken with foil and let rest for 10 min.
  13. peel back husk and paste pesto all over corn
  14. sprinkle corn with parmesan
  15. get out that white sauce and get ready to pour, dip, and lick. 
 

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INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

YAY FOR AMERICA! The fourth of July is always a great reminder of how lucky we all are to be free from tyranny! Free to be pirates if we want to, or to eat meat and drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Murica, the land of the free and home of the Jell-O-shot. There is a long and interesting history of pirates and privateers fleeing the waters of the British Empire to be free and trade (or steal) where ever they pleased. There is hidden treasure and buried loot every where along the eastern shores and islands. I made some of my very own treasure this Independence day, and although red white and blue were the 13 colonies colors, anyone can claim them. The American flag stands for freedom and I’m all about that.. that and rum. I’m all about that too. See my patriotism below: I made 160 but I think 90 would do just fine for a righteous pirate party. This takes time so start early… like the afternoon before you need them.

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 3 oz package of blue jello
  • 2 3 oz package of cherry jello
  • 4 packets of knox gelatin
  • 1 cup coconut milk
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk
  • 2 cups cherry rum
  • 2 cups whipped cream rum
  • 2 cups coconut rum (I chose the captain morgan brand…of course)
  • about 90 jello shot cups.

………Jell-O magic:

  1. first, set up the cups on trays of some kind so you can transport them to a fridge
  2. get fridge ready – make some space for these suckers cause they are gonna need it
  3. in a pot boil 2 cups water
  4. add cherry jello, let it dissolve, add 2 cups cherry rum
  5. allow it to cool and pour a layer into the cups- try not to spill that shit everywhere… good luck with that.
  6. carry them to the fridge ….carefully.
  7. while they are setting (the package says 4 hours but they could be ready in 2-3 hours) have a party.. drink some shots.. what ever. IMG_0314
  8. continue this routine with the white but use the condensed milk and coconut milk instead of water to boil. Remove Add knox and stir until dissolved… then remove from heat, add coconut rum. Let it cool,
  9. and pour it into cups carefully not to disturb the red layer. Use a spoon to be safe.
  10. put the trays in the fridge again for several hours. Have some more shots! At this point we let the kids practice bartending for us. IMG_0591
  11. Now boil the 2 cups of water for the blue
  12. remove from heat and add blue jello, dissolve, add whipped cream rum, cool,
  13. go get the trays out and use a spoon to pour.
  14. fridge.
  15. drink some shots

Tomorrow the shots should be ready for lids and transport. They should stay firm whilst sitting out for a long time. I like to stack them for a more patriotic effect.

Arrrrrrhmerica! Fuckyeah!

 

 

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Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Oh my sweet baby sea god posideon! We brunch like we mean it in my family. So it was just fathers day and we had a great time showing the fathers how important their years of beatings were, because our morale eventually improved! Thanks dads. You truly whipped us into shape. We lub you.

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My sister wench gets a SPECIAL GUEST SPOTLIGHT this week. She is amazing in the kitchen and aspires to be a personal chef some day so…. 3 cheers for “Captain Blaire” my sister wench for the incrediballs brunch she prepared for our fathers day feasting pleasure.  Hip hip Huzzah! 

She prepared bacon, parmesan, peppercorn Belgian waffles with a scallion garlic butter, and a chipotle maple syrup.  Strat-daddy fried up his famous fried chicken wings… nothing schmancy about it. Fried chicken needs no frills….it’s that damned good. I took the left over waffles home and Broseph took home the left over meat.  That’s how we do it. Why were there any left overs you ask? Well, we, as a family, tend to make waaaaay too much food. It works out well for the left over department. The minion loves the waffles.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 3  large eggs
  • 1 3/4 Cup  all-purpose flour
  • 1 Tbl.  baking powder
  • 1 1/2 Tsp.  salt
  • 3 Oz.  shredded parmesan cheese (3/4 cup)
  • 1 Tbl.  fresh cracked black pepper
  • 1 schtick of butta – melted
  • garlic butter
  • chopped scallions
  • 1/4 lb of bacon
  • chipotle mayple syrup (can make your own with some canned chipotles in oil and Canadian mayple syrup)
  • electric mixer
  • badass waffle iron – Suggestions: http://amzn.com/B00ITPJ0HM

…… waffle magic:

  1. cook bacon, remove from pan, and swashbuckle that shit. chop chop chop it like its hot.
  2. beat eggs on medium speed 3 minutes or until very pale and foamy.
  3. Sift flour, baking powder and salt into medium bowl
  4. whisk in cheese and pepper until combined
  5. Whisk milk and butter into flour mixture, whisking just until combined; do not overmix (batter will be lumpy).
  6. With wooden spoon, fold in eggs.
  7. ladle a heaping ladle full of batter into waffle iron (just enough to cover surface of waffle iron). sprinkle with bacon!!!!
  8. Cook waffles until golden brown and steam is no longer escaping from iron. Hot dayum, you did it.
  9. while those are cooking, mix chopped scallions in garlic butter
  10. now slather that baby with scallion garlic butter and bacon crumbles and douse it with chipotle maple syrup!
  11. mouthgasm
Chicken & Waffles

Chicken & Waffles

Happy fathers day to the keeper of the codes!

 

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Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Yes, Yes,  I am the great cornholio!  Ok, so I know I didn’t invent grilling corn.  BUT…I did perfect my version of “grilled corn” and I will never go back. So, the crew loves a good corn on the cob. Sometimes we cover it in greek yogurt (in lieu of sour cream) and lime juice & cayenne, some times its pesto slathered, and sometimes its smeared with garlic paste and brie.  I mean its still just corn…but this time IT’S WRAPPED IN BACON!  I like my corn to have the husks on, to use as a handle to eat with and it just looks prettier. Also, I guess I’ve really been on a bacon kick lately. Probably because I banned it from the ship for months during one of my shake diets. Love me some protein shakes, but as Captain I realize now, that I can’t be a good leader without the Bacon. So if you are one of those people that are shaking your head at this point, suck on some bacon and see here http://bacontoday.com/bacon-is-good-for-you/ about how BACON is actually good for you.

The first mate swears that corn doesn’t even get processed in his body and there’s nothing good for you about it… I like to prove him wrong.. so here’s this FYI about corn: Corn not only provides the necessary calories for healthy, daily metabolism, but is also a rich source of vitamins A, B, E and many minerals. Its high fiber content ensures that it plays a significant role in the prevention of digestive ailments like constipation and hemorrhoids as well as colorectal cancer. The antioxidants present in corn also act as anti-carcinogenic agents and prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Corn aids in controlling diabetes, prevention of heart ailments, lowering hypertension and prevention of neural-tube defects at birth as well. So there. Eat your corn you lily livered sea swine.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 fresh ears of corn (BUY LOCAL BITCHES)
  • 4 strips of thick ass bacon
  • 1/4 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
  • lime / lemon or both.. because we love them.
  • garlic butter… (I’ve been making my own with roasted garlic cloves.. so good.)
  • cayenne, Himalayan salt, cracked black pepper
  • foil

…….the corny magic:

  1. Peel back husks, de-hair your corn
  2. slather corn cobs in garlic butter
  3. wrap corn cobs in 2 strips of bacon each, because the bacon will shrivel and shrink… not unlike a man thrown over board.
  4. wrap each cob in foil all the way to the tips of the husks, twist ends.
  5. grill on high for 20-25 min, rotating
  6. unwrap and gently place corn directly on the fire for 3-4 minutes to get bacon crispy (we don’t want no soft meat)
  7. plate it and sprinkle cheese and lemon / lime juice and seasoning
  8. enjoy the fuck out of it because there are 3 delicious food groups here people.
 

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