Category: Put it in your mouth

Captain sweet tooth, Fruit you need to eat, Holiday Celebrate, Put it in your mouth, Uncategorized

MILK CHOCOLATE WILD ORANGE, CARDA-POM BARK

Cassandra D'Kay

Alright! So it was me that ate all the twix from the Halloween bowl…so what!  The first mate ate all the snickers, leaving all of the whoppers and chewy weird crap for the little skurv. Tis the season and shit.  I don’t even really dig sweets that much.  BUT when one is imbibing the grapes of wrath…one must also occasionally indulge in a chocolate or two.  Hence = the need for more provisions.  I can’t keep the cupboards stocked with enough sweets for this crew, they eat everything. So, I decided to make something just for me…something that those thieving bilge rats wouldn’t want to sneak.   I love all essential oils and I cook with them daily.  You don’t have to be cool to use oils, and you don’t have to have oils to make this… just substitute it for orange zest and maybe it won’t suck. BUT if you are one of the lucky ones that has been blessed with an armory full of oils… you will want to make this stuff this season…so, without any further adoooo…. I give you  a  simple ASFUCK milk chocolate wild orange, cardamom & pomegranate bark!

Illustration of retro girl in pop art style.

First things first…. 11 things you didn’t know about pomegranates these plump beauties are really a bomb ass fruit for you to pig out on during the fall.  Lets go over real quick just how to properly cut a pomegranate…. for those of you that keep fucking it up.

Take a sharp paring knife, cut the top out at an angle, it will look kind of like… what are those things called… a Dreidle. Yeah, that’s it. Happy flipping holidays.

Then, make a light slice down the “ribs” of the fruit…there should be 5, like a star.

Now separate them by gently pulling them apart and the center skin and “core” should stay in the middle.

Lastly, turn each section over and whack the back of them with a spoon or your hand to make those sweet rubys pop out.  Yes you will have to still use your damn hand.. ..no this is not a magical method… nothing is perfect.

Set your ruby red jewels aside… try not to eat them all while making the chocolate.

Now it’s time to get it on….

………in-greed-ients

  • 1 giant ass pomegranate
  • 1 vanilla bean – these are the bomb-Penzys Madagascar Vanilla Beans
  • 1 bag of bitter sweet or semi sweet dark chocolate morsels
  • some cardamom – either powdered Penzys powdered or cardamom oil 
  • Orange zest or ….. orange essential oil
  • some Himalayan pink salt
  • 1/2 cup of heavy cream

 

………the chocolate magic:

  1. de seed the pom – duh
  2. pour cream into a deep pot
  3. add chocolate
  4. stir constantly on low
  5. add vanilla bean paste
  6. remove from heat when completely melted
  7. slather some hot chocolate all over yourself and make that phone call / snap chat that special someone…..
  8. just kidding…. or am I? Lets get it on… 

  9. add cardamom & orange oil / zest
  10. add some of the pom seeds
  11. lay out a sheet of parchment on a cookie sheet (or if you have candy molds those are great too)
  12. pour all that awesome sauce in a circle and maybe 1/4 of an inch thick.
  13. top with more pom seeds
  14. sprinkle with some salt
  15. freeze that shit over night
  16. slice and serve bitches!
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Milk Chocolate wild orange, cardapom bark

 

 

Crew Favorites, Crock Pot to victory!, Dirty Pirate Hooker Meals, Put it in your mouth, Southern as fuck, Uncategorized

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

Cassandra D'Kay

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 

  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

Bacon wrapped, Crew Favorites, It aint easy bein cheesy, Put it in your mouth

Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

Cassandra D'Kay

…..and then the clouds parted and the light shown down in glittering rays, the angel choir sang and the trumpets played…the gods have smiled upon this dish indeed! I mean…a “Grilled hatch pimento mac & cheese” just makes me drool saying it.. I can’t even tell you in words how lip smacking good this was.  You are going to have to conjure it up yourselves. I have always wanted to make a grilled mac & cheese but now that its HATCH SEASON…. I have been making hatch-ALL THE THINGS!  I served this sammich beast with some home made creamy tomato basil soup that was the tits, but that’s a whole other post. Pre warning, this is not diet food, rabbit food, muthafukin carb free, gluten free or sugar free. BUT.. it IS amazeballs so, if you want to taste life and put the melancholy and infinite sadness of healthy eating on the sidelines for just a minute….grab these items below and lets shove off on a mystical journey… in your mouth.

……..in-greed-ients:

  • bacon pan
  • food processor
  • baking tray covered in foil
  • panini maker if you have one.. if you don’t.. it’d be a lot cooler if you did.
  • food processor
  • 6 slices of sourdough bread
  • 6 slices of hatch bacon
  • 2 hatch chilis – they come in different levels of spicy… get the hot ones or you’re not a goonie!
  • 1 bell pepper
  • 2 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon FRANKS red hot sauce
  • some smoked salt and black pepper
  • 1 cup miracle whip (because we fucking hate mayonasty)
  • 1 cup shredded smoked Cheddar
  • 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 box of organic spiral mac & cheese (or you can make the shit yourself if your super cool.. I am not too cool for the box)
  • wyatts finishing butter – In garlic herb. I say this brand because its the shit, but you can make your own garlic herb butter too. – obviously. –Wyatts Finishing butters

…….roasting magic:

  1. spray foil lined pan and roast (broil) hatch peppers and bell pepper on high for 8-10 minutes, rotating them like a white girl sunbathing on the beach of ARUBA.
  2. let them cool… then skin them alive! Also sqeeze out the seeds. It should be easy to peel the skin off if you have had any damn  patience at all.
  3. chop them chunky like

……the pimento, bacon & mac magic:

  1. In food processor, blend together the garlic, paprika, hot sauce, cayenne,  salt and some black pepper.
  2. Then add the mayonnaise, smoked Cheddar, and pulse until combined.
  3. Put the mixture in a bowl
  4. MAKE THE MAC according to the instructions.
  5. fold in the cooked pasta with the pimento mix and fridge it for a minute
  6. cook that bacon yo!  Then place it on a napkin to drain.
  7. mix all peppers by folding into the mac and pimento mix

IMG_1536

……..the grilled baby cheesus magic:

  1. butter one side of all bread
  2. place one slice of bread -butter side down- on the HOT panini maker (or skillet)
  3. plop a bunch of that pimento hatch mac right on it
  4. place 2 strips of bacon in an X right on top… because X marks the spot mates!
  5. top it with one of them slices of cheddar
  6. then the bread -butter side up – and close the lid and hear it sizzle and turn nice and buttery golden
  7. slice in half diagonally and serve with creamy basil tomato soup with a dollop of pesto and a basil leaf… lookin like a damn pro and shit.

Obviously you will have some left over mac…. that’s fanfreakingtastic because you are going to want another one tomorrow. Just one… more… taste. It’s way safer than crack so go ahead..

LOL! It’s safe to say, that I will never be too thin or have an eating disorder.  I love food and life too much.. so remember…

“Life is short…. so eat the butter, buy the shoes… and drink up me hearties yoho!”

A pirates life for me!, Crew Favorites, Eat your veggies, Fruit you need to eat, Put it in your mouth, Snack like you mean it, Southern as fuck

Fridge Pickles!

Cassandra D'Kay

Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember.  From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it.  I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise. 

…….Factoids & Graboids:

  • About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States. 
  • Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
  • Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
  • Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
  • During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
  • Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
  • Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
  • As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
  • Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
  • At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket. 
  • Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy! 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 6 Ball Jars
  • large brine making pot
  • about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
  • a shit ton of garlic cloves
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
  • about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
  • Fresh dill weed – a whole package 
  • a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
  • Red pepper flakes
  • ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
  • sriracha
  • Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
  • red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all. 
  • 9 cups of water 
  • 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt

……..Pickle Magic:

  1. Scrub and wash cukes
  2. scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
  3. chop cukes in slices or quarters
  4. boil water and vinegar 
  5. add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
  6. cool the liquid for a little bit
  7. fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill,  a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
  8. put some sliced hot peppers in 2
  9. put some sriracha & ginger in 2
  10. put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2 
  11. stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
  12. pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
  13. put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp 
  14. fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.  
  15. good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge. 

Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now.  You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas,  I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure!  So until then here is a weird  PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!

IMG_0143

A pirates life for me!, Captain sweet tooth, Fruit you need to eat, Put it in your mouth

Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Cassandra D'Kay

Do you wanna look like a fucking dessert pro? How about an easy dessert to put into tiny cups for a party or event? I gotcha covered. May I present to you….. Cheese cake pannacotta with a dragon fruit yogurt compote. This is as simple as making a fruit sauce and jello…so don’t be lily liver’d about trying it. The flavors of these two layers together are perfectly balanced and it makes you look fancy as fuck when you layer them right. I had a hard time finding good quality dragon fruit this week.. some were mushy and weird. Every time I finally find some and they aren’t where I put them in the kitchen…im like:

I like the purple/pink meated fruits more because they are sweeter but all I found was the white ones so I added some pomegranate juice to make it magenta like it should be. Dragon fruit / Pitaya fruit is the fruit of several cactus species from places my broke ass will never get to sail to… like Thailand. It’s not too sweet, kinda like a kiwi but still great for dessert. Every once in a while the Captain gets a sweet tooth. I also have an unquenchable thirst for more culinary knowledge so I am always trying new things. I’m just trying to make tasty AF food while still making better choices and anytime you can find a way to stuff your rotting carcass with more fruit and veggies is good right? 

.……..in-greed-ients on the bottom (the taker):

  • 3 cups cream (oh yeah)
  • 1/2 of a 3 oz packet sugar free cheesecake jello
  • 1 tsp, vanilla essence
  • 1/3 cup sugar (or more if you want)
  • 2½ tsp, plain gelatin
  • 4 tbsp, water

……….in-greed-ients on top (the giver):

  • 1/3 cup, sugar
  • 1 whole lemon juice
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • ¼ cup, water
  • 1 dragon fruit, chopped – leave a slice or two for garnish
  • if you have white dragon fruit you need some thing pink…..Example: food coloring, pomegranate juice, beet juice
  • the rest of the plain gelatin pack (should be a tsp or so) 
  • 3 tsp water
  • 1 cup (honey or coconut noosa is awesome) yogurt
  • ½ cup, milk

……the giggly pink magic:

  1. In a pan, combine the first 6 ingredients mentioned for the Dragon fruit yogurt compote and cook till it reaches a thick saucey consistency.
  2. Take it off the heat and keep it aside.  Allow it to cool
  3. Sprinkle gelatin over the water in a small bowl and keep it aside for 5 mins.  Allow it to bloom.
  4. add yogurt and milk with the gelatin and whisk until combined well.
  5. Add dragon fruit compote to the yogurt mix and whisk well.  Put it in the fridge to let it congeal into a creepy consistency.

……..the cheesecake magic:

  1. add gelatin to water in a bowl, whisk and let bloom.
  2. In a sauce pan, add cream, vanilla essence and sugar.  Cook until it gets to a slow boil.  Do not overheat it.
  3. Remove from heat and add it to the gelatin mixture and whisk it nicely till the gelatin dissolves
  4. add cheesecake jello and whisk.
  5. Pour this white sauce in goblets or shot glasses. If you prefer to give it an angle effect, place the glasses tilted in a muffin pan or a dish with sides and a towel, and pour the mixture into the glasses.
  6. Refrigerate till set. maybe a few hours, maybe all night long.. who knows. 
  1. when that layer is firm, add pink giggly stuff to the top with a spoon, add a dragon fruit slice as garnish and AVAST YE! So it be done!