Category: pirates

A pirates life for me!, Crew Favorites, Crock Pot to victory!, Dirty Pirate Hooker Meals, Do you even sauce bro, Mealprep Mondays, pirates, Uncategorized

LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

Cassandra D'Kay

By Galumpkis, shes done it!  Whether you are in ketosis and trying to hold steady or you’re sailing the lazy keto ship like this broad, or maybe you just fancy making better choices in life… you’re going to have to have serious will power to not eat more than a serving of these savory treasures. My crew devours these like savages and its fine by me… because little do they know, they’ve been hoodwinked! HEARYE: No spuds were harmed in the making of these rolls. When its cold outside and the meal prep must be done, pull yer lazy bones up by the bootstraps and get’er done. It’s not always what you want to be doing on a Sunday (or Monday in my case) but it will save you precious time and money for other important things… like binge watching Black Sails or Shameless.  I call these cabbage rolls, TOADS because they look like toads, duh, and also because the secret ingredient is GOLDEN TOAD SAUCE this recipe uses their Habanero Pepper Sauce.  So before you can swear allegiance to the “I DON’T DO SPICY” clan, this stuff is NOT going to burn your face off, or your ass. The subtle yet distinct flavor of this sauce perfectly compliments Italian sausage IMO. You’ll most likely be thanking me later, I accept brief hugs, stickers, rum, and brunch gift cards as thanks. FYI.  I swear  that these cabbage rolls are the easiest damned things to make but some folks don’t believe me so here’s the skinny…. that’s a pun y’all.. since these delicious AF little toads are SO LOW CARB!

BEWARE: DO NOT LICK ACTUAL TOADS. DO HOWEVER LICK THESE TOAD ROLLS

Prep Time:15 mins

Cook Time:6 hrs
 

Servings: 6

9.4 carbs / 5.9 net carbs per serving  – 140 calories – 7 sugars

INGREEDIENTS………

  • 1 head of cabbage (about 1 pound)
  • 1/2 pound of  mild (or spicy) italian ground beef / sausage
  • 1/4 cup parsley – blitzed
  • 1/4 cup onion – chopped
  • 2 cups of raw cauliflower –riced (messy as all hell but worth its weight in gold)
  • 1 egg.. just one lonely ovo
  • a few dashes of worchestershire.. worstesher.. worcheshure…wtf ever.. you get it.
  • salt and pepper or what ever seasonings you cant live without (I use my blends)
  • 6 fresh slices of mozzarella for topping / optional but necessary IMO
  • a giant elephant garlic clove like this…Elephant garlic is actually in the leek family
  • a whole dang jar of low carb tomato sauce like this one…Raos tomato sauce
  • a few dashes (or a few swigs) of Golden toad – Habanero Pepper Sauce

 

If you don’t have access to riced cauliflower, just whip up your own! It will look like a snow man murder scene in your kitchen, but its actually better.  A large head, blitzed real fine is  fresh as fuuuu and makes enough cauli-snow for other low carb meals for the week… and you can freeeeze this snow as well. Yes I did.

Lets do this…… 

    1. Core the cabbage and pull off the first layer of outer leaves.
    2. Place in a large pot with about 2 inches of boiling water…
    3. Let cabbage steam (or let it scream like a mandrake in a hot bath) until the leaves pull off easily and are very pliable without being mushy.. ew.
    4. Let cool… this is OBVIOUS but you’d be surprised how many land lubbin foggy headed home cooks (myself included) have burned themselves with hot cabbage.
    5. IF YOU WERE NOT LAZY and you bought an UNPROCESSED head of cauliflower then Process cauliflower in food processor until it is finely chopped, about the size of rice.
    6. Set aside. Take a shot, or clean up your prep station, you know you’ve made a mess.
    7. Cook the italian ground beef with the onion, add elephant garlic
    8. Drain well. Add salt and pepper, seasonings, and that tasty AF golden toad sauce!
    9. Dump in that parsley,  and raw cauliflower
    10. Beat an egg (I condone egg violence) and mix it all well. This will help the filling stick together.
    11. Lay a cabbage leaf flat on the counter. Slash the bottom vein to make it fold (behave) bette
    1. 12. Add a tablespoon or so of the meat mixture to the cabbage and roll up, tucking the ends…. not like this…

TUCK AND ROLL FAIL

    13. Repeat with all of the cabbage leaves that are big enough.
    14. Add about 1/4 cup of the RAOs sauce to the bottom of a slow cooker.
    15. Lay the rolls in the slow cooker…all nice and pretty like.
    16. Smother with the remaining sauce…yea smear it all over.
    17. Cook on low for 4-6 hours or cover & cook in the oven at 350F for an hour.

 

     Now its time for a dance break.. do you remember the Cabbage patch?
     Wow.. that was tough to watch. Hes got scurvy or something.

Now top these hot suckers with mozz slices right before plating, or load up those BPA free meal prep containers and heat up them up when your ready to scarf. The horizon is the limit… never settle for boring just to get healthy. YOU CAN HAVE BOTH! Saving the planet one tongue at a time! #playwithyourfood #makebetterchoices #doyouevensaucebro

TOAD12

A pirates life for me!, Brunch like you mean it, Cast Iron love, Crew Favorites, Dirty Pirate Hooker Meals, Do you even sauce bro, Egg zachary, Holiday Celebrate, pirates, Uncategorized

EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

Cassandra D'Kay

I am not a traditional wench, as you may have noticed. So when I get an idea to do a “traditional dish” from some other country or region, I’m probably going to twist it up, and do it my way… and this system works for me.  Some people get offended that I don’t follow recipes and I change theirs… but I’m already over this “offended” period of the 2000’s.  Get over it. It’s adventure time! So if you are an adventurous eater / cook.. then you and me should be friends. I am always looking for a new thing to try.. an new hot sauce to use and a new way to do things. This weeks #doyouevensaucebro hot sauce company spotlight is on Voodoo Chile Sauces and their Bhuty Thyme tomato based hot sauce! It tastes like grandmas cookin… if your grandma is a spicy as mine. Speaking of traditional… I LOOOOOVE cast iron especially my passed down LODGE cast iron.  The pirate in me wants to cook everything in a perfectly seasoned IRON pan… dutch oven or skillet. So when I received this deliciously interesting EMU EGG (among many other awesome things shown below) from a local Emu farm (I support buying local when ever possible), I knew I was going to do something with it in my cast iron skillet. There’s something very paleolithic about these ginormous eggs… I fucking lub them.  I had been wanting to make a Shakshuka again for a while… this was it… THANKSGIVING WEEK, the perfect chance to make a dish meant for sharing with others. So I invited the crew over and we grubbed for dinner / neighborsgiving.  So what if it wasn’t for breakfast, I break the rules! You should too.. follow along mates.. here’s the skinny:

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 8 oz Chorizo, squish that shit into the LARGE cast iron and fuck it up with a wooden spoon
  • 1Tsp oilve oil
  • 1 small sweet onion, diced
  • 1 small red pepper,  diced – a small jar of roasted red peppers works great too
  • 1 small bulb garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup sherry
  • 1 can diced tomatoes, chopped & not drained (I also used some jarred golden tomatoes from the emu farm and split this part)
  • 1 can drained chickpeas
  • 2 baby bella mushrooms -sliced 
  • 2tsp brown sugar
  • 1tsp smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 1 tsp mexican oregano
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • a couple of splashes of hot sauce – I like it hot so mo is betta- BHUTY THYME (clickit)
  • 1 emu egg, but I know yall ain’t gonna get one so… 4 – 6 free-range eggs
  • 1 cup feta.. crumbly, salty and awesome
  • fresh culantro  / also called shado beni, (a stronger cilantro falvor) leaves to garnish 
  • half an avocado for garnish 
  • toasted NAAN is my choice of dipping bread.. but you do what you want.
Bhuty Thyme
NAAN
Shakshuka stuff
Seasonings

 

…….. shake that shuka:

  1. Heat a large CAST IRON skillet and fry the chorizo until the oils start releasing and the meat browns. Remove the sausage and put baby in a corner for a bit.
  2. Add the olive oil to the pan of orange oil and gently fry the onion for about 3 minutes until softened. Add the red pepper and garlic & continue to fry for a further 2 or so minutes until they too are softened. Return the chorizo to the pan and briefly fry.
  3. Add the sherry and allow the liquid to (mostly) cook off.
  4. Add the tomatoes w liquid, sugar, chickpeas, shrooms, seasonings, and adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper if your feeling fiesty… Allow this to bubble on a gentle heat for about 20 minutes. This is where you have a shot and a dance break. SSSSHHHAka khan – tell me somethin good!
  5. Now, if you are adventurous and you’ve gotten an emu egg, you will need to dremel it open.. it’s kind of like brain surgery.  Easy peasy, right. Then gently pour the egg into a buttered frying pan & fry your emu egg until the white is almost done, then gently transfer it to the top of the shakshuka to finish poaching in the sauces. My asshole egg yolk popped but.. it’s actually ok because this much runny yolk would have grossed out my neighbors whom I was sharing this with.  Check out my shitty vid of my dremel vs emu egg action. 

     

  6. but.. if you didn’t get an emu egg, just make several indentations in the top of the shakshuka with the back of a ladle and break your eggs into the holes. Mix the egg white around a bit to loosen and spread… and don’t breaking the damned yolk, that’s eggicide and I would just toss the whole damned thing out if the yolks are popped. Just sayin. Here’s my quail egg mini cast iron shakshuka breakfast the next morning…foog
  7. Cook for a further 3 or so minutes and until the egg whites have hardened. If necessary put a lid on your pan to speed up the process.
  8. Scatter plenty of feta over the monstrosity, then the chopped culantro and the lovely avocado.. then scoop it out onto some warm naan, or what ever.  I served mine with a smoked white wine.. but that… is a whole other blog. 🙂 winr

Drink up me hearties…yo ho! 

img_10191

…. as you can see, I really love ALL of the Voodoo awesomesauces, even when they are backwards.  IF you think your worthy… Join my FB group: “Do you even sauce bro” and follow me on IG: the_bomb_noms

NOMASTE! 

A pirates life for me!, Brunch like you mean it, Crew Favorites, Dirty Pirate Hooker Meals, Eat your veggies, Egg zachary, pirates, Put it in your mouth, Southern as fuck

Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

Cassandra D'Kay

I am calling this a “sausage and purple cabbage strata” because the star is really the purple cabbage.. but the meat is muy importante to me as well. The most common modern variant is a brunch dish similar to a quiche or a frittata. So when making a strata, the only components you really have to have is stale bread, eggs, milk, cheese and some type of other shit. Really doesn’t matter what… but the best things that go in them are things like kale, shrooms, onions, bell peppers, fontina, mozzerella, parmesan, cabbage, chard, tomatoes and meat (old, new, ground, chunked, whatever..).The usual preparation requires the bread to be layered with the filling on top in order to produce layers. This pirate wench loves making strata’s… I put them in my category of “Dirty Pirate Hooker” meals. This eloquently named category is based upon the 5 qualifications:

  1. must be easy as fuck
  2. must be able to stick almost anything into them
  3. must be relatively cheap
  4. must be satisfying
  5. must serve a whole crew

I have made this many times but I believe this one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I have won the battle against hunger with every bite. If you know how to use an oven and a stove this should not take long to prepare… but I will explain my process in detail anyway. So don’t get discouraged by the lengthy directions….it really is easy. Also it’s best to make the night before and just pop it in the oven in the morning before the lazies get up…. and in 45 min, you are the victor!

IMG_2062

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pound breakfast sausage

    secret ingredient
    secret ingredient
  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup french onion dip –SECRET INGREDIENT 
  • 3-4 small french bread loaves, cubed
  • 2 1/2 cups shredded gruyere cheese
  • 3-4 baby bella shrooms – sliced
  • 1/2 yellow onion- chunky
  • 1-2 leeks 
  • 1/3 head purple cabbage
  • truffle oil
  • EVOO
  • garlic cloves
  • chipolte seasoning, himalayan salt and pink peppercorn & spicy everything seasoning from –FlavorGod

First things first.. the purple cabbage is like gold in this dish and must be treated like royalty. So, slice that purple head in disks and bathe the disks in truffle oil… along with the garlic cloves and leeks…cleaned properly here-leek prep.  If you don’t know how to peel garlic like a pro.. get this:easy as fuck garlic peeler.  I love truffle oil.  It’s my fav condiment besides hot sauce.

……Roasting magic:

  • Heat that oven to 400* and shove in the veggies- prepared, lathered & seasoned with all 3 seasonings from above
  • Pre warning, this roasting period is torture…you can smell it but you cant touch it… for about 40-45 minutes. You might want to take the leeks and garlic out at 20-25 min and leave the cabbage to finish sun tanning. Nobody likes burned garlic.
  • whilst you wait… butter the bottoms of your dishes of choice, I like my clay Cazuela, casserole dishes and pie dishes, but a 9X13 or 2 smaller ones will do.
  • cut the stale bread into cubes. Why stale? Because it helps soak the egg & cream mix without it getting soggy! When i say stale, I don’t mean hard and crusty.. these are not meant to be like hard tack…. just a little “un fresh”.
  • pour some EVOO into a large pan and brown the yellow onions
  • add sausage to pan, add seasoning and cook until done
  • add mushrooms last so they stay firm…just a minute or two more… then take off heat
  • the cabbage is done so chop the leeks and cabbage into large chunks and set aside.
  • mix eggs, milk, cream, dip, 2 cups of cheese and seasoning in a bowl and whisk it like you mean it.How to whisk like you mean it  here is a great video if you actually give a shit about learning stuff. Which I do.

……let’s layer this baby:

  1. (butter) bread cubes
  2. meat & shroom mix
  3. cabbage, garlic clove & leek mix
  4. creamy egg mix – poor it all over and watch it sink in.
  5. Cover it and cool it. Put these dishes in the fridge over night.

Next morning: bake that son of hooker at 350* for 45 min… top with the rest of the shredded cheese and serve it to the starving ungrateful masses. 

It’s just science.. that on this ship, he may have better hair than me, but I have more talent in my little finger.  Here’s to dirty pirate hookers! Huzzah!

A pirates life for me!, Captain sweet tooth, Holiday Celebrate, Party People, pirates, Southern as fuck

INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

Cassandra D'Kay

YAY FOR AMERICA! The fourth of July is always a great reminder of how lucky we all are to be free from tyranny! Free to be pirates if we want to, or to eat meat and drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Murica, the land of the free and home of the Jell-O-shot. There is a long and interesting history of pirates and privateers fleeing the waters of the British Empire to be free and trade (or steal) where ever they pleased. There is hidden treasure and buried loot every where along the eastern shores and islands. I made some of my very own treasure this Independence day, and although red white and blue were the 13 colonies colors, anyone can claim them. The American flag stands for freedom and I’m all about that.. that and rum. I’m all about that too. See my patriotism below: I made 160 but I think 90 would do just fine for a righteous pirate party. This takes time so start early… like the afternoon before you need them.

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 3 oz package of blue jello
  • 2 3 oz package of cherry jello
  • 4 packets of knox gelatin
  • 1 cup coconut milk
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk
  • 2 cups cherry rum
  • 2 cups whipped cream rum
  • 2 cups coconut rum (I chose the captain morgan brand…of course)
  • about 90 jello shot cups.

………Jell-O magic:

  1. first, set up the cups on trays of some kind so you can transport them to a fridge
  2. get fridge ready – make some space for these suckers cause they are gonna need it
  3. in a pot boil 2 cups water
  4. add cherry jello, let it dissolve, add 2 cups cherry rum
  5. allow it to cool and pour a layer into the cups- try not to spill that shit everywhere… good luck with that.
  6. carry them to the fridge ….carefully.
  7. while they are setting (the package says 4 hours but they could be ready in 2-3 hours) have a party.. drink some shots.. what ever. IMG_0314
  8. continue this routine with the white but use the condensed milk and coconut milk instead of water to boil. Remove Add knox and stir until dissolved… then remove from heat, add coconut rum. Let it cool,
  9. and pour it into cups carefully not to disturb the red layer. Use a spoon to be safe.
  10. put the trays in the fridge again for several hours. Have some more shots! At this point we let the kids practice bartending for us. IMG_0591
  11. Now boil the 2 cups of water for the blue
  12. remove from heat and add blue jello, dissolve, add whipped cream rum, cool,
  13. go get the trays out and use a spoon to pour.
  14. fridge.
  15. drink some shots

Tomorrow the shots should be ready for lids and transport. They should stay firm whilst sitting out for a long time. I like to stack them for a more patriotic effect.

Arrrrrrhmerica! Fuckyeah!

 

A pirates life for me!, Captain sweet tooth, pirates, Put it in your mouth

Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Cassandra D'Kay

Most North American land lubbers have not experimented much with the plantain. This is a “the gods damned”  travesty. Plantains are fucking amazeballs.  We pirates LOoOoOve them and eat them frequently, as well as mango!  First off, don’t confuse them with plain old bananas. I  mean nanas are great too… but not as sexy & versatile! You can make plantains sweet or savory because they are a lot like potatoes and bananas. I have sautéed them in honey, mashed them with butter and garlic, fried them and flambéed them with rum, ect… Here is a recipe that is easier than shit. I know yall lazy skurvs like easy….its great for summer.  So go get you some plantains and get to work, savy?

…in-greed-ients:

  • 2 medium ripe plantains, peeled, chopped in a food processor (not blended)
  • some coconut flakes (like a cup)
  • 1 large egg + 1 egg white
  • 1 can coconut milk – the good shit not the light – chillin like a villain.
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • some honey – BUY LOCAL BITCHES – I’m currently using this brand: Goodflow Honey
  • a mango
  • an avocado
  • some chopped cilantro
  • 1 lime (juice)
  • cinnamon (powdered)
  • Himalayan pink salt & cracked pepper

……the magic:

  • preheat oven to 400*
  • chop plantain in a food processor until rice like
  • add eggs and coconut to plantain in a bowl – coat and toss and season with salt and pepper.
  • spray muffin / cupcake tin with cooking spray
  • spoon a glob into each hole. use a shot glass to make the cup shape, buy pressing down in the center and on the sides
  • bake for 15 min
  • whilst they are baking, pour coconut cream, vanilla, and honey in to bowl and mix with a hand blender or immersion blender until whipped…like 7 minutes. set aside.
  • chop/ slice avocado and mango into cubes. Toss it wit cilantro and lime juice and cinnamon. Let me splain:

Now fill those glory holes with the delicioso mix! Top with some of that creamy whipped goodness, sprinkle some more coconut flakes on top, and there ya have it mates….. dessert is served.  Yar brethren court should approve!

                                                             (my cream sat too long before the picture was taken here). IMG_3607