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Category Archives: Crock Pot to victory!

LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

By Galumpkis, shes done it!  Whether you are in ketosis and trying to hold steady or you’re sailing the lazy keto ship like this broad, or maybe you just fancy making better choices in life… you’re going to have to have serious will power to not eat more than a serving of these savory treasures. My crew devours these like savages and its fine by me… because little do they know, they’ve been hoodwinked! HEARYE: No spuds were harmed in the making of these rolls. When its cold outside and the meal prep must be done, pull yer lazy bones up by the bootstraps and get’er done. It’s not always what you want to be doing on a Sunday (or Monday in my case) but it will save you precious time and money for other important things… like binge watching Black Sails or Shameless.  I call these cabbage rolls, TOADS because they look like toads, duh, and also because the secret ingredient is GOLDEN TOAD SAUCE this recipe uses their Habanero Pepper Sauce.  So before you can swear allegiance to the “I DON’T DO SPICY” clan, this stuff is NOT going to burn your face off, or your ass. The subtle yet distinct flavor of this sauce perfectly compliments Italian sausage IMO. You’ll most likely be thanking me later, I accept brief hugs, stickers, rum, and brunch gift cards as thanks. FYI.  I swear  that these cabbage rolls are the easiest damned things to make but some folks don’t believe me so here’s the skinny…. that’s a pun y’all.. since these delicious AF little toads are SO LOW CARB!

BEWARE: DO NOT LICK ACTUAL TOADS. DO HOWEVER LICK THESE TOAD ROLLS

Prep Time:15 mins

Cook Time:6 hrs
 

Servings: 6

9.4 carbs / 5.9 net carbs per serving  – 140 calories – 7 sugars

INGREEDIENTS………

  • 1 head of cabbage (about 1 pound)
  • 1/2 pound of  mild (or spicy) italian ground beef / sausage
  • 1/4 cup parsley – blitzed
  • 1/4 cup onion – chopped
  • 2 cups of raw cauliflower –riced (messy as all hell but worth its weight in gold)
  • 1 egg.. just one lonely ovo
  • a few dashes of worchestershire.. worstesher.. worcheshure…wtf ever.. you get it.
  • salt and pepper or what ever seasonings you cant live without (I use my blends)
  • 6 fresh slices of mozzarella for topping / optional but necessary IMO
  • a giant elephant garlic clove like this…Elephant garlic is actually in the leek family
  • a whole dang jar of low carb tomato sauce like this one…Raos tomato sauce
  • a few dashes (or a few swigs) of Golden toad – Habanero Pepper Sauce

 

If you don’t have access to riced cauliflower, just whip up your own! It will look like a snow man murder scene in your kitchen, but its actually better.  A large head, blitzed real fine is  fresh as fuuuu and makes enough cauli-snow for other low carb meals for the week… and you can freeeeze this snow as well. Yes I did.

Lets do this…… 

    1. Core the cabbage and pull off the first layer of outer leaves.
    2. Place in a large pot with about 2 inches of boiling water…
    3. Let cabbage steam (or let it scream like a mandrake in a hot bath) until the leaves pull off easily and are very pliable without being mushy.. ew.
    4. Let cool… this is OBVIOUS but you’d be surprised how many land lubbin foggy headed home cooks (myself included) have burned themselves with hot cabbage.
    5. IF YOU WERE NOT LAZY and you bought an UNPROCESSED head of cauliflower then Process cauliflower in food processor until it is finely chopped, about the size of rice.
    6. Set aside. Take a shot, or clean up your prep station, you know you’ve made a mess.
    7. Cook the italian ground beef with the onion, add elephant garlic
    8. Drain well. Add salt and pepper, seasonings, and that tasty AF golden toad sauce!
    9. Dump in that parsley,  and raw cauliflower
    10. Beat an egg (I condone egg violence) and mix it all well. This will help the filling stick together.
    11. Lay a cabbage leaf flat on the counter. Slash the bottom vein to make it fold (behave) bette
    1. 12. Add a tablespoon or so of the meat mixture to the cabbage and roll up, tucking the ends…. not like this…

TUCK AND ROLL FAIL

    13. Repeat with all of the cabbage leaves that are big enough.
    14. Add about 1/4 cup of the RAOs sauce to the bottom of a slow cooker.
    15. Lay the rolls in the slow cooker…all nice and pretty like.
    16. Smother with the remaining sauce…yea smear it all over.
    17. Cook on low for 4-6 hours or cover & cook in the oven at 350F for an hour.

 

     Now its time for a dance break.. do you remember the Cabbage patch?
     Wow.. that was tough to watch. Hes got scurvy or something.

Now top these hot suckers with mozz slices right before plating, or load up those BPA free meal prep containers and heat up them up when your ready to scarf. The horizon is the limit… never settle for boring just to get healthy. YOU CAN HAVE BOTH! Saving the planet one tongue at a time! #playwithyourfood #makebetterchoices #doyouevensaucebro

TOAD12

 

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CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 
  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

 

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