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EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

I am not a traditional wench, as you may have noticed. So when I get an idea to do a “traditional dish” from some other country or region, I’m probably going to twist it up, and do it my way… and this system works for me.  Some people get offended that I don’t follow recipes and I change theirs… but I’m already over this “offended” period of the 2000’s.  Get over it. It’s adventure time! So if you are an adventurous eater / cook.. then you and me should be friends. I am always looking for a new thing to try.. an new hot sauce to use and a new way to do things. This weeks #doyouevensaucebro hot sauce company spotlight is on Voodoo Chile Sauces and their Bhuty Thyme tomato based hot sauce! It tastes like grandmas cookin… if your grandma is a spicy as mine. Speaking of traditional… I LOOOOOVE cast iron especially my passed down LODGE cast iron.  The pirate in me wants to cook everything in a perfectly seasoned IRON pan… dutch oven or skillet. So when I received this deliciously interesting EMU EGG (among many other awesome things shown below) from a local Emu farm (I support buying local when ever possible), I knew I was going to do something with it in my cast iron skillet. There’s something very paleolithic about these ginormous eggs… I fucking lub them.  I had been wanting to make a Shakshuka again for a while… this was it… THANKSGIVING WEEK, the perfect chance to make a dish meant for sharing with others. So I invited the crew over and we grubbed for dinner / neighborsgiving.  So what if it wasn’t for breakfast, I break the rules! You should too.. follow along mates.. here’s the skinny:

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 8 oz Chorizo, squish that shit into the LARGE cast iron and fuck it up with a wooden spoon
  • 1Tsp oilve oil
  • 1 small sweet onion, diced
  • 1 small red pepper,  diced – a small jar of roasted red peppers works great too
  • 1 small bulb garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup sherry
  • 1 can diced tomatoes, chopped & not drained (I also used some jarred golden tomatoes from the emu farm and split this part)
  • 1 can drained chickpeas
  • 2 baby bella mushrooms -sliced 
  • 2tsp brown sugar
  • 1tsp smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 1 tsp mexican oregano
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • a couple of splashes of hot sauce – I like it hot so mo is betta- BHUTY THYME (clickit)
  • 1 emu egg, but I know yall ain’t gonna get one so… 4 – 6 free-range eggs
  • 1 cup feta.. crumbly, salty and awesome
  • fresh culantro  / also called shado beni, (a stronger cilantro falvor) leaves to garnish 
  • half an avocado for garnish 
  • toasted NAAN is my choice of dipping bread.. but you do what you want.

 

…….. shake that shuka:

  1. Heat a large CAST IRON skillet and fry the chorizo until the oils start releasing and the meat browns. Remove the sausage and put baby in a corner for a bit.
  2. Add the olive oil to the pan of orange oil and gently fry the onion for about 3 minutes until softened. Add the red pepper and garlic & continue to fry for a further 2 or so minutes until they too are softened. Return the chorizo to the pan and briefly fry.
  3. Add the sherry and allow the liquid to (mostly) cook off.
  4. Add the tomatoes w liquid, sugar, chickpeas, shrooms, seasonings, and adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper if your feeling fiesty… Allow this to bubble on a gentle heat for about 20 minutes. This is where you have a shot and a dance break. SSSSHHHAka khan – tell me somethin good!
  5. Now, if you are adventurous and you’ve gotten an emu egg, you will need to dremel it open.. it’s kind of like brain surgery.  Easy peasy, right. Then gently pour the egg into a buttered frying pan & fry your emu egg until the white is almost done, then gently transfer it to the top of the shakshuka to finish poaching in the sauces. My asshole egg yolk popped but.. it’s actually ok because this much runny yolk would have grossed out my neighbors whom I was sharing this with.  Check out my shitty vid of my dremel vs emu egg action. 

     

  6. but.. if you didn’t get an emu egg, just make several indentations in the top of the shakshuka with the back of a ladle and break your eggs into the holes. Mix the egg white around a bit to loosen and spread… and don’t breaking the damned yolk, that’s eggicide and I would just toss the whole damned thing out if the yolks are popped. Just sayin. Here’s my quail egg mini cast iron shakshuka breakfast the next morning…foog
  7. Cook for a further 3 or so minutes and until the egg whites have hardened. If necessary put a lid on your pan to speed up the process.
  8. Scatter plenty of feta over the monstrosity, then the chopped culantro and the lovely avocado.. then scoop it out onto some warm naan, or what ever.  I served mine with a smoked white wine.. but that… is a whole other blog. 🙂 winr

Drink up me hearties…yo ho! 

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…. as you can see, I really love ALL of the Voodoo awesomesauces, even when they are backwards.  IF you think your worthy… Join my FB group: “Do you even sauce bro” and follow me on IG: the_bomb_noms

NOMASTE! 

 

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CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 
  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

 

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Cuban Eggrolls!

Cuban Eggrolls!

National FOOD TRUCK day was spent at home this year….we are preparing for our annual Halloween extravaganza and thusly are too poor to go downtown just for food. I still needed some food truck in my life. So, I prepared one of the items that I would sell from my imaginary food truck. CUBANO EGGROLLS fool! I mean, obvs i’m big into “fusion” foods.. and obvs i’m creative AF…..but I am also super into promoting local. (In case you didn’t already know).  I purchased this cannon-balls relish called  Dillapeno (<<buy it here <<) relish from the Smithers Family at the  Houston Hot Sauce Festival I attend every year.  If you love pickles.. as I do… PLEASE try this shiz. I used it in place of pickle slices in my cubans. I made waaay to many but luckily I have a large hungry crew of friends who randomly sail by to graze grub…. otherwise I would be way larger and way in charger.  On my food truck, I would make these dericious cuban wraps becasue they are totally finger food and totally a “quickie” item. I wrap so tight… you should too.       

………in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pack of eggroll wraps
  • 1/4 lb swiss cheese slices
  • 1/2 lb of roasted pork slices
  • 1/2 lb of sliced ham…preferably smoked somehow.
  • a thing of spicy / sweet dijon mustard
  • some dill jalepeno relish
  • garlic powder, salt & pepper
  • egg wash
  • stuff for frying.. ie: pan, oil, fire.

…….Cuban magic:

  1. lay an eggroll wrap on a cutting board
  2. throw down the ham
  3. throw down the pork
  4. slap it with a half slice of cheese
  5. spoon out some relish
  6. squirt out some ‘tard
  7. season
  8. roll…..just roll along…..just roll along….
  9. egg wash to seal
  10. fry that shit.

This halloween, the first mate is going to be a zombie Ricky Ricardo and I am going to be a Zombie Lucy so we need to practice our cuban dancing….. so here:

 

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Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

…..and then the clouds parted and the light shown down in glittering rays, the angel choir sang and the trumpets played…the gods have smiled upon this dish indeed! I mean…a “Grilled hatch pimento mac & cheese” just makes me drool saying it.. I can’t even tell you in words how lip smacking good this was.  You are going to have to conjure it up yourselves. I have always wanted to make a grilled mac & cheese but now that its HATCH SEASON…. I have been making hatch-ALL THE THINGS!  I served this sammich beast with some home made creamy tomato basil soup that was the tits, but that’s a whole other post. Pre warning, this is not diet food, rabbit food, muthafukin carb free, gluten free or sugar free. BUT.. it IS amazeballs so, if you want to taste life and put the melancholy and infinite sadness of healthy eating on the sidelines for just a minute….grab these items below and lets shove off on a mystical journey… in your mouth.

……..in-greed-ients:

  • bacon pan
  • food processor
  • baking tray covered in foil
  • panini maker if you have one.. if you don’t.. it’d be a lot cooler if you did.
  • food processor
  • 6 slices of sourdough bread
  • 6 slices of hatch bacon
  • 2 hatch chilis – they come in different levels of spicy… get the hot ones or you’re not a goonie!
  • 1 bell pepper
  • 2 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon FRANKS red hot sauce
  • some smoked salt and black pepper
  • 1 cup miracle whip (because we fucking hate mayonasty)
  • 1 cup shredded smoked Cheddar
  • 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 box of organic spiral mac & cheese (or you can make the shit yourself if your super cool.. I am not too cool for the box)
  • wyatts finishing butter – In garlic herb. I say this brand because its the shit, but you can make your own garlic herb butter too. – obviously. –Wyatts Finishing butters

…….roasting magic:

  1. spray foil lined pan and roast (broil) hatch peppers and bell pepper on high for 8-10 minutes, rotating them like a white girl sunbathing on the beach of ARUBA.
  2. let them cool… then skin them alive! Also sqeeze out the seeds. It should be easy to peel the skin off if you have had any damn  patience at all.
  3. chop them chunky like

……the pimento, bacon & mac magic:

  1. In food processor, blend together the garlic, paprika, hot sauce, cayenne,  salt and some black pepper.
  2. Then add the mayonnaise, smoked Cheddar, and pulse until combined.
  3. Put the mixture in a bowl
  4. MAKE THE MAC according to the instructions.
  5. fold in the cooked pasta with the pimento mix and fridge it for a minute
  6. cook that bacon yo!  Then place it on a napkin to drain.
  7. mix all peppers by folding into the mac and pimento mix

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……..the grilled baby cheesus magic:

  1. butter one side of all bread
  2. place one slice of bread -butter side down- on the HOT panini maker (or skillet)
  3. plop a bunch of that pimento hatch mac right on it
  4. place 2 strips of bacon in an X right on top… because X marks the spot mates!
  5. top it with one of them slices of cheddar
  6. then the bread -butter side up – and close the lid and hear it sizzle and turn nice and buttery golden
  7. slice in half diagonally and serve with creamy basil tomato soup with a dollop of pesto and a basil leaf… lookin like a damn pro and shit.

Obviously you will have some left over mac…. that’s fanfreakingtastic because you are going to want another one tomorrow. Just one… more… taste. It’s way safer than crack so go ahead..

LOL! It’s safe to say, that I will never be too thin or have an eating disorder.  I love food and life too much.. so remember…

“Life is short…. so eat the butter, buy the shoes… and drink up me hearties yoho!”

 

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Fridge Pickles!

Fridge Pickles!

Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember.  From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it.  I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise. 

…….Factoids & Graboids:

  • About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States. 
  • Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
  • Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
  • Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
  • During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
  • Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
  • Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
  • As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
  • Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
  • At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket. 
  • Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy! 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 6 Ball Jars
  • large brine making pot
  • about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
  • a shit ton of garlic cloves
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
  • about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
  • Fresh dill weed – a whole package 
  • a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
  • Red pepper flakes
  • ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
  • sriracha
  • Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
  • red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all. 
  • 9 cups of water 
  • 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt

……..Pickle Magic:

  1. Scrub and wash cukes
  2. scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
  3. chop cukes in slices or quarters
  4. boil water and vinegar 
  5. add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
  6. cool the liquid for a little bit
  7. fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill,  a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
  8. put some sliced hot peppers in 2
  9. put some sriracha & ginger in 2
  10. put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2 
  11. stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
  12. pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
  13. put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp 
  14. fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.  
  15. good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge. 

Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now.  You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas,  I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure!  So until then here is a weird  PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!

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Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

I am calling this a “sausage and purple cabbage strata” because the star is really the purple cabbage.. but the meat is muy importante to me as well. The most common modern variant is a brunch dish similar to a quiche or a frittata. So when making a strata, the only components you really have to have is stale bread, eggs, milk, cheese and some type of other shit. Really doesn’t matter what… but the best things that go in them are things like kale, shrooms, onions, bell peppers, fontina, mozzerella, parmesan, cabbage, chard, tomatoes and meat (old, new, ground, chunked, whatever..).The usual preparation requires the bread to be layered with the filling on top in order to produce layers. This pirate wench loves making strata’s… I put them in my category of “Dirty Pirate Hooker” meals. This eloquently named category is based upon the 5 qualifications:

  1. must be easy as fuck
  2. must be able to stick almost anything into them
  3. must be relatively cheap
  4. must be satisfying
  5. must serve a whole crew

I have made this many times but I believe this one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I have won the battle against hunger with every bite. If you know how to use an oven and a stove this should not take long to prepare… but I will explain my process in detail anyway. So don’t get discouraged by the lengthy directions….it really is easy. Also it’s best to make the night before and just pop it in the oven in the morning before the lazies get up…. and in 45 min, you are the victor!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pound breakfast sausage

    secret ingredient

    secret ingredient

  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup french onion dip –SECRET INGREDIENT 
  • 3-4 small french bread loaves, cubed
  • 2 1/2 cups shredded gruyere cheese
  • 3-4 baby bella shrooms – sliced
  • 1/2 yellow onion- chunky
  • 1-2 leeks 
  • 1/3 head purple cabbage
  • truffle oil
  • EVOO
  • garlic cloves
  • chipolte seasoning, himalayan salt and pink peppercorn & spicy everything seasoning from –FlavorGod

First things first.. the purple cabbage is like gold in this dish and must be treated like royalty. So, slice that purple head in disks and bathe the disks in truffle oil… along with the garlic cloves and leeks…cleaned properly here-leek prep.  If you don’t know how to peel garlic like a pro.. get this:easy as fuck garlic peeler.  I love truffle oil.  It’s my fav condiment besides hot sauce.

……Roasting magic:

  • Heat that oven to 400* and shove in the veggies- prepared, lathered & seasoned with all 3 seasonings from above
  • Pre warning, this roasting period is torture…you can smell it but you cant touch it… for about 40-45 minutes. You might want to take the leeks and garlic out at 20-25 min and leave the cabbage to finish sun tanning. Nobody likes burned garlic.
  • whilst you wait… butter the bottoms of your dishes of choice, I like my clay Cazuela, casserole dishes and pie dishes, but a 9X13 or 2 smaller ones will do.
  • cut the stale bread into cubes. Why stale? Because it helps soak the egg & cream mix without it getting soggy! When i say stale, I don’t mean hard and crusty.. these are not meant to be like hard tack…. just a little “un fresh”.
  • pour some EVOO into a large pan and brown the yellow onions
  • add sausage to pan, add seasoning and cook until done
  • add mushrooms last so they stay firm…just a minute or two more… then take off heat
  • the cabbage is done so chop the leeks and cabbage into large chunks and set aside.
  • mix eggs, milk, cream, dip, 2 cups of cheese and seasoning in a bowl and whisk it like you mean it.How to whisk like you mean it  here is a great video if you actually give a shit about learning stuff. Which I do.

……let’s layer this baby:

  1. (butter) bread cubes
  2. meat & shroom mix
  3. cabbage, garlic clove & leek mix
  4. creamy egg mix – poor it all over and watch it sink in.
  5. Cover it and cool it. Put these dishes in the fridge over night.

Next morning: bake that son of hooker at 350* for 45 min… top with the rest of the shredded cheese and serve it to the starving ungrateful masses. 

It’s just science.. that on this ship, he may have better hair than me, but I have more talent in my little finger.  Here’s to dirty pirate hookers! Huzzah!

 

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White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

The deck hand (my minion) loooooves grilled chicken, so when he found some little drumsticks on sale he insisted that we cook’em up! I had been wanting to try the “white BBQ” sauce that is all over the interwebs lately. Supposedly, it’s an Alabama created recipe. I love a good southern meal as much as the next gal, but like everything, it’s only good for you in moderation. So I hopped on the pinterest current and sure enough there are a few variations…..and like always, I added my own twists… and mine is better. ARRRGH! Just kiddding… or am I?  When he wants to pick out dinner it usually includes raw spinach or corn… those are really the only two veggies he enjoys eating. Fuckit, that’s better than some kids right? So we grilled up some husk-on corn and slathered it with pesto and parmesan… oh man… talk about a mouthgasm! This shit was quick, easy, and mouthy pleasey…….find out how:

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……..sauce in-greed-ients:

  • 1/2 cup miracle whip miracle whip is better than mayo because of 2 things. 1. there is more seasoning in miracle whip 2. there is a little less oil content than mayo. See here what the difference is:Miracle whip is like…  HA! just kidding.. actually:The great debate
  • 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
  • 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 2 tsp prepared horseradish
  • 2 tbsp chipotle mustard
  • ground black pepper
  • 1 tsp smokey artisan salt
  • cayenne powder
  • chipotle powder 
  • 4 garlic cloves minced

You need to prepare the white bbq sauce the day before you cook this grub. It needs to “marry” and get it on… in the privacy of your fridge over night…if you get my drift. So whip all of the ingredients in a mixing bowl and stick it in a container with a lid in the fridge and let the magic happen.

……..other in-greed-ients:

  • chicken drummettes – how ever many your little heart desires
  • corn in husk – as many as your belly can hold
  • garlic powder
  • salt
  • pepper
  • garlic butter
  • pesto
  • parmesan

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……….the magic:

  1. soak corn as is… in a giant something of water… for at least an hour.
  2. make sure drummettes are thaw, and pat them dry
  3. heat grill to 450
  4. coat the chicken in garlic powder, salt & pepper.
  5. pull husk back on corn, remove silk
  6. slather corn in garlic butter…..like a pro6a00d83451b8c369e200e54f5abbcd8833-800wi
  7. wrap husk back around corn
  8. grill corn and chicken together, on grates, flipping every 7 min.
  9. baste chicken with WHITE BBQ sauce last few minutes
  10. cook chicken to internal temp of 185
  11. cook corn for 20 -30 min
  12. cover chicken with foil and let rest for 10 min.
  13. peel back husk and paste pesto all over corn
  14. sprinkle corn with parmesan
  15. get out that white sauce and get ready to pour, dip, and lick. 
 

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