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Category Archives: Crew Favorites

Garlicky Shrimp Alfredo, Cauli Pizza

Garlicky Shrimp Alfredo, Cauli Pizza

The amount of garlic in my blood could probably turn any vampire straight.   I will eat it in the rain, I will eat it on a train, I will eat garlic here or there, I will .… well you get the point.  In my blogs you will see that I like to apply & link all sorts of input that be floating about in my over flowing memory bank… ie: movie quotes, lines of a children’s book, slang terminology, local promoting, tools and tricks, awesome and random information, awkward video clips, music and pop culture references. Please click on the links and HIGHLIGHTED words for the full educational effect of the ride. SO, FYI: The main ingredient in garlic is allicin, which has antibacterial, antivirus, antifungal, and antioxidant properties, and not surprisingly, Garlic is a great food for heart health. It helps blood flow, lowers cholesterol, stops heart disease… aaaand it makes your house smell amazing!! No sarcasm there, I’m working on a garlic scented candle asap!  Until then, I get my fix in many ways… including, but not limited to, Hot Line Pepper Products, Garlicky Greengo.  I know y’all are aware of my support for these sauces, so I wanted to share yet another way to enjoy / apply this one to your pallet. Buttery, garlicky skrimps, low carb alfredo sauce (you can buy it but I included my own recipe for this), fresh basil.. you’re going to flip for this shiz.  Well , I did. So much that I have made this several times… and I am not usually a repeater.  I love pizza, like when my first mate asked me if I loved him more than pizza… I hesitated. So, when I started making cauliflower crust pizzas my life changed forever. I don’t even dig those doughy, dry, flour based bread crusts anymore…bleh… no more hard tack for me! The pirate in me needs seafood pizza, the KETO-er in me needs to stay under 20-30 carbs a day… and the foodie in me needs ALL THE FLAVOR!  You don’t need to be on a diet to enjoy healthy food options, don’t be skeerd.  Here are my instructions: Boycott bland food, take no prisoners, crush this pizza.

In-greed-ients:

Caulipower crust:

  • 1 medium head of cauliflower or 5-6 cups of store bought cauliflower rice
  • 1 egg, large
  • 1 tsp Italian zest seasoning
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp pepper
  • 1 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 cup Parmesan
  • 1/2 cup Mozzarella cheese, grated
  • Cooking spray
  • Elbow grease 😉

Pizza toppings:

  • 6 -8 uncooked, fresh shrimp (size matters, I like them large, but maybe you don’t).
  • A couple spoons of Garlicky Greengo
  • 1 tbsp KerryGold
  • 1 tbsp EVOO
  • Fresh basil (as much as your heart desires)
  • Fresh cherry or grape tomatoes (about 1/4 of a cup, whole)
  • 1-2 hand fulls of shredded mozzerella

Low carb Alfredo Sauce:

  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 3 oz cream cheese, room temperature
  • 2 oz Parmesan cheese, freshly grated
  • 2 tbsp butter, KerryGold again because JULIA CHILD says you can never have enough butter.
  • 1 large egg yolk
  • 1 pinch pepper
  • 1 pinch freshly ground nutmeg

…..but first… a creepy and informative song & video about garlic.

Alright lets do this. First you must make the crust, which seems a bit tedious, and IS a bit messy, but so worth it.  Don’t let anyone lie to you about cauliflower, it is the glitter of the food world. No matter how careful you are, the “ricing” and squeezing process can get out of control.   Make it rain tiny bits of white stuff…. but be prepared. Tarps work, a shop vac maybe.. lol.

Caulipower Crust: 

  1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees F and line a baking sheet with a silpat, or parchment. Spray it with something oily.
  2. Rinse cauliflower, remove the outer leaves, separate into florets and chop into smaller pieces.  Blitz it in 2-3 batches, until “rice” texture forms. Dump this into a microwave safe bowl and nuke it for 4 min.
  3. Remove cooked cauliflower rice dump it in a double/triple layer of cheese cloth or a linen towel, plop it back in the bowl and let cool for 5 minutes. Then squeeze it like you mean it. Get at least 90% of the liquid out of the ball.  When you think it’s all out, it probably isn’t, keep squeezing.
  4.  Once cooled, In the same bowl, crack the egg with dried herbs, salt and garlic. Add cheese; mix very well with spatula until combined.
  5. Transfer “dough” in the middle and flatten with your hands until thin pizza crust forms. I like it about 1/4 inch thick.
  6. Bake for 20 minutes, carefully flip with 2 spatulas (or the “flip the whole parchment trick” if you are good like that) and bake for a few more minutes. Damn you are messy, clean up while this bakes. 😉

Store: Refrigerate covered for up to 2 days.

Alfredo:

  1. Gently melt the butter and cream cheese together in a small pot over low heat, whisking to combine.
  2. Add 1/4 cup of the heavy cream, turn heat up to medium low, and stir until combined and hot. Add 1/4 of the Parmesan cheese and stir until melted. Alternate adding the heavy cream and Parmesan cheese in the same fashion until all is incorporated.
  3. Separate one egg and beat the yolk until moral improves. When the sauce is hot and bubbling, add the egg yolk while whisking. Turn heat a little lower and continue whisking until the sauce coats the back of a spoon about 1-2 minutes more. Adjust seasonings. Thickens as it cools!
  4. Makes about 1 1/2 cups. Serves 4 at approximately 1/3 cup per serving… and this tasty “American-Italian” sauce has an unlikely history, click the link here  or in the ingredients to learn. 

Skrimps:

  1. In cold water, clean and devein the shrimp poo. NO one wants that….I got the poo on me…..!!! Set aside on a paper towel and dry them babies good.
  2. In a large sauté pan (or a WOK if you have one) on medium-low heat, add enough olive oil to coat and a little guess what… yuuuppp BUTTER. Allow to melt.
  3. Add your shrimp so they are all even on the bottom of the pan. Add that delicious garlicky greengo sauce. Cook for 1 to 2 minutes and flip. They take very little time.

Assembly:

  1. Schmear a few spoonfuls of that silky alfredo sauce onto the caulipower crust.
  2. Top with a hand full of mozzarella cheese 
  3. Lay those luscious shrimp down to sleep
  4. Then slice those adorable tomatoes and stratigically place those between the shrimp.  I get my tomatoes from a local CO-OP called Tomball Family Farm to Kitchen that always gives me the freshest local ingredients and produce in my weekly box. I love to know where my veggies come from.
  5. Chiffonade the fresh basil (also in that Fresh AF CO-OP Box) with your favorite chef knife, my fav is part of a set called  Galaxy knives.   Then just sprinkle sprinkle. 
  6. Bake at 400 for about 5 -7 min.. or until the cheese melts.
  7. Stuff your face hole!! 

As usual, please follow my FB page “The Bomb Noms” for non blogged recipes and information regarding my gourmet foods. If you are like me and you like it saucy, join the best little ALL sauce group on FB.. “Do you even sauce bro?”  Until next time, may your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced and your compass be true.

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KETO: Fried Guac Deviled Eggs!

KETO: Fried Guac Deviled Eggs!

The devil made me do it!!! JK. But seriously, no matter what religion or spirituality you may believe in, EVERYONE can enjoy a deviled egg. Possessed with mayo or blessed with mustard.. there is NO wrong way to top them.  I’ve been on the #bringbackthedeviledegg band wagon ever since some friends and I realized that they have become less popular as party dishes over the last couple of decades and that most people only enjoy them in the spring.  Deviled eggs in all of their decadence, should be celebrated year round, all colors and shapes, topped with weird stuff or normal stuff.  JUST MAKE SOME and give them to your neighbors, have them because its thursday!  Since Easter is my third favorite food holiday after thanksglutony and Christmasscarfing,  of course I make a big deal of it.  I usually have an Easter crawfish boil with all of the scurvy crew…totally a southern norm…..then I make us some rum and coconut drank in hollowed out pineapple “mugs”, and I ALWAYS make my FRIED GUAC DEVILED EGGS. I love using the Bravado Spice Co jalepeno garlic seasoning and Hot Line Pepper Products “Garlicky Gringo” for my guac …. it turns this recipes flavor profile up to 11!!  This year I decided to make them the KETO way… since most of my crew have joined in my way of life.  For those of you that are not familiar with the “ketogenic diet” or aren’t keen on ketosis, it still tastes flippin awesome, it’s just less carbs and we all know that carbs are the (tastyAF) debil.  You can totally make these the regular “flour, egg, panko” way.. but I suggest you give this a try, sooner rather than later.  Yeah, I know i’m giving my secrets away…. Take what ye can, give a little back… ;P

Ingreeedients:

  • 3 avocados
  • 12 eggs
  • lime juice
  • 1 small bunch cilantro – Chop it like its hot…
  • 1 cup almond meal
  • 1 cup coconut flour
  • 1 bag (or 1 cup once blitzed) Hot & Spicy Chicharrones
  • 1 cup blitzed parmesan cheese
  • tbsp Jalepeno Garlic seasoning
  • 2-3 tbsp Garlicky Greengo
  • salt / cayenne to taste
  • avocado oil or coconut oil for frying – personal preference (non keto use peanut oil)
  • pickled jalepenos for topping / or what ever topping you like, crunchy pork rinds, parmesan crisps, or pickled red cabbage is good too.

 

 

Instructions……

  1. Boil salted water.  place chicken embryos in and bring to a boil… then turn off the heat and let them sit for 14 min. THIS is crucial to the peeling process. Eggs be some finicky bitches. I use two week old eggs for deviling anywho, somehow they are more mature about the whole thing.
  2.   guac21.jpg
  3. While the ladies bathe… make your “breading bowls”.  Mix the flours together in one large flat bowl/ tupperware. Beat 2 eggs in the next bowl / tupperware. Mix the parm and pork rinds in the last one.  Set them side by side in that order next to a paper towel lined cutting board or sheet pan.
  4. Drain & peel eggs immediately (while hot) in cold water / running water in the pot.
  5. Slice eggs in half and dump 8 yolks into a bowl. Toss the rest of the yolks, set whites aside to dry. 
  6. Slice avocados and pray to the old gods and the new, that they are perfect… nothing is as sexy as a ripe one.
  7. Slice your avocado in half
  8. Dump avocados in the yolk bowl add all seasoning, some lime juice, cilantro, the awesome sauce and !Mash it up!   (enjoy song whilst cooking)
  9. Load that shit into a piping bag and fridge it. The lime juice should keep it from browning for a while.  Tits crossed. 
  10. guacamole
  11. Heat your deep fryer (or deep pan with lots of oil) to about 350°F. If you don’t have a cooking thermometer, stick a wooden spoon into the oil when it’s been heating for about 7-8 minutes. If bubbles come up from the depth, your oil is hot enough for deep frying!
  12. Coat each egg half in the “flour” mix, then the egg wash, then the parm & pork rinds mix.  Using one hand for wet and one hand for dry keeps it less ridiculous.  Example: dry hand dredges it with the flour, drops it in the egg, then the wet hand takes out of the egg and the dry hand then puts it in the parm & pork rinds then on to a paper towel lined pan. Instructional video for your viewing pleasure. 
  13. Carefully lower each coated egg half into the deep fryer (or pan) to avoid splashing. It will hurt! I mean…unless you like that sort of pain… then splash away. 😉
  14. Allow each piece to fry  until a light brown. It shouldn’t take long at all.  Take them out and place them on that paper towel lined thing again.
  15. guac3
  16. Finally!! It’s time to lay some pipe! Get that piping bag full of avocado yolk goodness and squeeze away. Make it purty, it will taste better. Top it with what ever you want.. be weird with it.  
  17. Share with friends, they wont last long… so here’s a tip:  A savvy pirate always hides a bit of treasure for themselves. 

deviled eggs

Here’s a weird ass Easter video. Don’t say I never gave you nothin. 

DEVILED EGGS RULE! 

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Craig the Crawfish says…. AAAARRRGGG this be my guac, Do you even sauce bro?!! Well do ya? 

PS>>left over “filling” doubles as a badass chip dip. It ain’t a party until someone brings the guacamole.

 

 

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LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

By Galumpkis, shes done it!  Whether you are in ketosis and trying to hold steady or you’re sailing the lazy keto ship like this broad, or maybe you just fancy making better choices in life… you’re going to have to have serious will power to not eat more than a serving of these savory treasures. My crew devours these like savages and its fine by me… because little do they know, they’ve been hoodwinked! HEARYE: No spuds were harmed in the making of these rolls. When its cold outside and the meal prep must be done, pull yer lazy bones up by the bootstraps and get’er done. It’s not always what you want to be doing on a Sunday (or Monday in my case) but it will save you precious time and money for other important things… like binge watching Black Sails or Shameless.  I call these cabbage rolls, TOADS because they look like toads, duh, and also because the secret ingredient is GOLDEN TOAD SAUCE this recipe uses their Habanero Pepper Sauce.  So before you can swear allegiance to the “I DON’T DO SPICY” clan, this stuff is NOT going to burn your face off, or your ass. The subtle yet distinct flavor of this sauce perfectly compliments Italian sausage IMO. You’ll most likely be thanking me later, I accept brief hugs, stickers, rum, and brunch gift cards as thanks. FYI.  I swear  that these cabbage rolls are the easiest damned things to make but some folks don’t believe me so here’s the skinny…. that’s a pun y’all.. since these delicious AF little toads are SO LOW CARB!

BEWARE: DO NOT LICK ACTUAL TOADS. DO HOWEVER LICK THESE TOAD ROLLS

Prep Time:15 mins

Cook Time:6 hrs
 

Servings: 6

9.4 carbs / 5.9 net carbs per serving  – 140 calories – 7 sugars

INGREEDIENTS………

  • 1 head of cabbage (about 1 pound)
  • 1/2 pound of  mild (or spicy) italian ground beef / sausage
  • 1/4 cup parsley – blitzed
  • 1/4 cup onion – chopped
  • 2 cups of raw cauliflower –riced (messy as all hell but worth its weight in gold)
  • 1 egg.. just one lonely ovo
  • a few dashes of worchestershire.. worstesher.. worcheshure…wtf ever.. you get it.
  • salt and pepper or what ever seasonings you cant live without (I use my blends)
  • 6 fresh slices of mozzarella for topping / optional but necessary IMO
  • a giant elephant garlic clove like this…Elephant garlic is actually in the leek family
  • a whole dang jar of low carb tomato sauce like this one…Raos tomato sauce
  • a few dashes (or a few swigs) of Golden toad – Habanero Pepper Sauce

 

If you don’t have access to riced cauliflower, just whip up your own! It will look like a snow man murder scene in your kitchen, but its actually better.  A large head, blitzed real fine is  fresh as fuuuu and makes enough cauli-snow for other low carb meals for the week… and you can freeeeze this snow as well. Yes I did.

Lets do this…… 

    1. Core the cabbage and pull off the first layer of outer leaves.
    2. Place in a large pot with about 2 inches of boiling water…
    3. Let cabbage steam (or let it scream like a mandrake in a hot bath) until the leaves pull off easily and are very pliable without being mushy.. ew.
    4. Let cool… this is OBVIOUS but you’d be surprised how many land lubbin foggy headed home cooks (myself included) have burned themselves with hot cabbage.
    5. IF YOU WERE NOT LAZY and you bought an UNPROCESSED head of cauliflower then Process cauliflower in food processor until it is finely chopped, about the size of rice.
    6. Set aside. Take a shot, or clean up your prep station, you know you’ve made a mess.
    7. Cook the italian ground beef with the onion, add elephant garlic
    8. Drain well. Add salt and pepper, seasonings, and that tasty AF golden toad sauce!
    9. Dump in that parsley,  and raw cauliflower
    10. Beat an egg (I condone egg violence) and mix it all well. This will help the filling stick together.
    11. Lay a cabbage leaf flat on the counter. Slash the bottom vein to make it fold (behave) bette
    1. 12. Add a tablespoon or so of the meat mixture to the cabbage and roll up, tucking the ends…. not like this…

TUCK AND ROLL FAIL

    13. Repeat with all of the cabbage leaves that are big enough.
    14. Add about 1/4 cup of the RAOs sauce to the bottom of a slow cooker.
    15. Lay the rolls in the slow cooker…all nice and pretty like.
    16. Smother with the remaining sauce…yea smear it all over.
    17. Cook on low for 4-6 hours or cover & cook in the oven at 350F for an hour.

 

     Now its time for a dance break.. do you remember the Cabbage patch?
     Wow.. that was tough to watch. Hes got scurvy or something.

Now top these hot suckers with mozz slices right before plating, or load up those BPA free meal prep containers and heat up them up when your ready to scarf. The horizon is the limit… never settle for boring just to get healthy. YOU CAN HAVE BOTH! Saving the planet one tongue at a time! #playwithyourfood #makebetterchoices #doyouevensaucebro

TOAD12

 

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EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

I am not a traditional wench, as you may have noticed. So when I get an idea to do a “traditional dish” from some other country or region, I’m probably going to twist it up, and do it my way… and this system works for me.  Some people get offended that I don’t follow recipes and I change theirs… but I’m already over this “offended” period of the 2000’s.  Get over it. It’s adventure time! So if you are an adventurous eater / cook.. then you and me should be friends. I am always looking for a new thing to try.. an new hot sauce to use and a new way to do things. This weeks #doyouevensaucebro hot sauce company spotlight is on Voodoo Chile Sauces and their Bhuty Thyme tomato based hot sauce! It tastes like grandmas cookin… if your grandma is a spicy as mine. Speaking of traditional… I LOOOOOVE cast iron especially my passed down LODGE cast iron.  The pirate in me wants to cook everything in a perfectly seasoned IRON pan… dutch oven or skillet. So when I received this deliciously interesting EMU EGG (among many other awesome things shown below) from a local Emu farm (I support buying local when ever possible), I knew I was going to do something with it in my cast iron skillet. There’s something very paleolithic about these ginormous eggs… I fucking lub them.  I had been wanting to make a Shakshuka again for a while… this was it… THANKSGIVING WEEK, the perfect chance to make a dish meant for sharing with others. So I invited the crew over and we grubbed for dinner / neighborsgiving.  So what if it wasn’t for breakfast, I break the rules! You should too.. follow along mates.. here’s the skinny:

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 8 oz Chorizo, squish that shit into the LARGE cast iron and fuck it up with a wooden spoon
  • 1Tsp oilve oil
  • 1 small sweet onion, diced
  • 1 small red pepper,  diced – a small jar of roasted red peppers works great too
  • 1 small bulb garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup sherry
  • 1 can diced tomatoes, chopped & not drained (I also used some jarred golden tomatoes from the emu farm and split this part)
  • 1 can drained chickpeas
  • 2 baby bella mushrooms -sliced 
  • 2tsp brown sugar
  • 1tsp smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 1 tsp mexican oregano
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • a couple of splashes of hot sauce – I like it hot so mo is betta- BHUTY THYME (clickit)
  • 1 emu egg, but I know yall ain’t gonna get one so… 4 – 6 free-range eggs
  • 1 cup feta.. crumbly, salty and awesome
  • fresh culantro  / also called shado beni, (a stronger cilantro falvor) leaves to garnish 
  • half an avocado for garnish 
  • toasted NAAN is my choice of dipping bread.. but you do what you want.

 

…….. shake that shuka:

  1. Heat a large CAST IRON skillet and fry the chorizo until the oils start releasing and the meat browns. Remove the sausage and put baby in a corner for a bit.
  2. Add the olive oil to the pan of orange oil and gently fry the onion for about 3 minutes until softened. Add the red pepper and garlic & continue to fry for a further 2 or so minutes until they too are softened. Return the chorizo to the pan and briefly fry.
  3. Add the sherry and allow the liquid to (mostly) cook off.
  4. Add the tomatoes w liquid, sugar, chickpeas, shrooms, seasonings, and adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper if your feeling fiesty… Allow this to bubble on a gentle heat for about 20 minutes. This is where you have a shot and a dance break. SSSSHHHAka khan – tell me somethin good!
  5. Now, if you are adventurous and you’ve gotten an emu egg, you will need to dremel it open.. it’s kind of like brain surgery.  Easy peasy, right. Then gently pour the egg into a buttered frying pan & fry your emu egg until the white is almost done, then gently transfer it to the top of the shakshuka to finish poaching in the sauces. My asshole egg yolk popped but.. it’s actually ok because this much runny yolk would have grossed out my neighbors whom I was sharing this with.  Check out my shitty vid of my dremel vs emu egg action. 

     

  6. but.. if you didn’t get an emu egg, just make several indentations in the top of the shakshuka with the back of a ladle and break your eggs into the holes. Mix the egg white around a bit to loosen and spread… and don’t breaking the damned yolk, that’s eggicide and I would just toss the whole damned thing out if the yolks are popped. Just sayin. Here’s my quail egg mini cast iron shakshuka breakfast the next morning…foog
  7. Cook for a further 3 or so minutes and until the egg whites have hardened. If necessary put a lid on your pan to speed up the process.
  8. Scatter plenty of feta over the monstrosity, then the chopped culantro and the lovely avocado.. then scoop it out onto some warm naan, or what ever.  I served mine with a smoked white wine.. but that… is a whole other blog. 🙂 winr

Drink up me hearties…yo ho! 

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…. as you can see, I really love ALL of the Voodoo awesomesauces, even when they are backwards.  IF you think your worthy… Join my FB group: “Do you even sauce bro” and follow me on IG: the_bomb_noms

NOMASTE! 

 

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CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam.  Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure.  It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible.  So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
  • 1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
  • 1 bag of fiesta lime corn
  • 1 med sweet yellow onion
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 8 garlic cloves crushed
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 1/2 lb bacon
  • some brown sugar
  • 2 cups heavy cream
  • Deans –Sriracha Dip
  • cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
  • 1 lime
  • cilantro sauce or sprigs
  • salt & chili powder  – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

  1. chop all veggies
  2. add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
  3. add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
  4. cook, on high for 5 hours
  5. while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila! 
  6. add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
  7. bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool. 
  8. crumble that shit and dump it in
  9. cook for 30 more min
  10. plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two… 
  11. devour it like the sexy mistress it is. 

    The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey.  Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite! 

 

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Cuban Eggrolls!

Cuban Eggrolls!

National FOOD TRUCK day was spent at home this year….we are preparing for our annual Halloween extravaganza and thusly are too poor to go downtown just for food. I still needed some food truck in my life. So, I prepared one of the items that I would sell from my imaginary food truck. CUBANO EGGROLLS fool! I mean, obvs i’m big into “fusion” foods.. and obvs i’m creative AF…..but I am also super into promoting local. (In case you didn’t already know).  I purchased this cannon-balls relish called  Dillapeno (<<buy it here <<) relish from the Smithers Family at the  Houston Hot Sauce Festival I attend every year.  If you love pickles.. as I do… PLEASE try this shiz. I used it in place of pickle slices in my cubans. I made waaay to many but luckily I have a large hungry crew of friends who randomly sail by to graze grub…. otherwise I would be way larger and way in charger.  On my food truck, I would make these dericious cuban wraps becasue they are totally finger food and totally a “quickie” item. I wrap so tight… you should too.       

………in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pack of eggroll wraps
  • 1/4 lb swiss cheese slices
  • 1/2 lb of roasted pork slices
  • 1/2 lb of sliced ham…preferably smoked somehow.
  • a thing of spicy / sweet dijon mustard
  • some dill jalepeno relish
  • garlic powder, salt & pepper
  • egg wash
  • stuff for frying.. ie: pan, oil, fire.

…….Cuban magic:

  1. lay an eggroll wrap on a cutting board
  2. throw down the ham
  3. throw down the pork
  4. slap it with a half slice of cheese
  5. spoon out some relish
  6. squirt out some ‘tard
  7. season
  8. roll…..just roll along…..just roll along….
  9. egg wash to seal
  10. fry that shit.

This halloween, the first mate is going to be a zombie Ricky Ricardo and I am going to be a Zombie Lucy so we need to practice our cuban dancing….. so here:

 

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Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

…..and then the clouds parted and the light shown down in glittering rays, the angel choir sang and the trumpets played…the gods have smiled upon this dish indeed! I mean…a “Grilled hatch pimento mac & cheese” just makes me drool saying it.. I can’t even tell you in words how lip smacking good this was.  You are going to have to conjure it up yourselves. I have always wanted to make a grilled mac & cheese but now that its HATCH SEASON…. I have been making hatch-ALL THE THINGS!  I served this sammich beast with some home made creamy tomato basil soup that was the tits, but that’s a whole other post. Pre warning, this is not diet food, rabbit food, muthafukin carb free, gluten free or sugar free. BUT.. it IS amazeballs so, if you want to taste life and put the melancholy and infinite sadness of healthy eating on the sidelines for just a minute….grab these items below and lets shove off on a mystical journey… in your mouth.

……..in-greed-ients:

  • bacon pan
  • food processor
  • baking tray covered in foil
  • panini maker if you have one.. if you don’t.. it’d be a lot cooler if you did.
  • food processor
  • 6 slices of sourdough bread
  • 6 slices of hatch bacon
  • 2 hatch chilis – they come in different levels of spicy… get the hot ones or you’re not a goonie!
  • 1 bell pepper
  • 2 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon FRANKS red hot sauce
  • some smoked salt and black pepper
  • 1 cup miracle whip (because we fucking hate mayonasty)
  • 1 cup shredded smoked Cheddar
  • 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 box of organic spiral mac & cheese (or you can make the shit yourself if your super cool.. I am not too cool for the box)
  • wyatts finishing butter – In garlic herb. I say this brand because its the shit, but you can make your own garlic herb butter too. – obviously. –Wyatts Finishing butters

…….roasting magic:

  1. spray foil lined pan and roast (broil) hatch peppers and bell pepper on high for 8-10 minutes, rotating them like a white girl sunbathing on the beach of ARUBA.
  2. let them cool… then skin them alive! Also sqeeze out the seeds. It should be easy to peel the skin off if you have had any damn  patience at all.
  3. chop them chunky like

……the pimento, bacon & mac magic:

  1. In food processor, blend together the garlic, paprika, hot sauce, cayenne,  salt and some black pepper.
  2. Then add the mayonnaise, smoked Cheddar, and pulse until combined.
  3. Put the mixture in a bowl
  4. MAKE THE MAC according to the instructions.
  5. fold in the cooked pasta with the pimento mix and fridge it for a minute
  6. cook that bacon yo!  Then place it on a napkin to drain.
  7. mix all peppers by folding into the mac and pimento mix

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……..the grilled baby cheesus magic:

  1. butter one side of all bread
  2. place one slice of bread -butter side down- on the HOT panini maker (or skillet)
  3. plop a bunch of that pimento hatch mac right on it
  4. place 2 strips of bacon in an X right on top… because X marks the spot mates!
  5. top it with one of them slices of cheddar
  6. then the bread -butter side up – and close the lid and hear it sizzle and turn nice and buttery golden
  7. slice in half diagonally and serve with creamy basil tomato soup with a dollop of pesto and a basil leaf… lookin like a damn pro and shit.

Obviously you will have some left over mac…. that’s fanfreakingtastic because you are going to want another one tomorrow. Just one… more… taste. It’s way safer than crack so go ahead..

LOL! It’s safe to say, that I will never be too thin or have an eating disorder.  I love food and life too much.. so remember…

“Life is short…. so eat the butter, buy the shoes… and drink up me hearties yoho!”

 

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