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Category Archives: Captain sweet tooth

MILK CHOCOLATE WILD ORANGE, CARDA-POM BARK

MILK CHOCOLATE WILD ORANGE, CARDA-POM BARK

Alright! So it was me that ate all the twix from the Halloween bowl…so what!  The first mate ate all the snickers, leaving all of the whoppers and chewy weird crap for the little skurv. Tis the season and shit.  I don’t even really dig sweets that much.  BUT when one is imbibing the grapes of wrath…one must also occasionally indulge in a chocolate or two.  Hence = the need for more provisions.  I can’t keep the cupboards stocked with enough sweets for this crew, they eat everything. So, I decided to make something just for me…something that those thieving bilge rats wouldn’t want to sneak.   I love all essential oils and I cook with them daily.  You don’t have to be cool to use oils, and you don’t have to have oils to make this… just substitute it for orange zest and maybe it won’t suck. BUT if you are one of the lucky ones that has been blessed with an armory full of oils… you will want to make this stuff this season…so, without any further adoooo…. I give you  a  simple ASFUCK milk chocolate wild orange, cardamom & pomegranate bark!

First things first…. 11 things you didn’t know about pomegranates these plump beauties are really a bomb ass fruit for you to pig out on during the fall.  Lets go over real quick just how to properly cut a pomegranate…. for those of you that keep fucking it up.

Take a sharp paring knife, cut the top out at an angle, it will look kind of like… what are those things called… a Dreidle. Yeah, that’s it. Happy flipping holidays.

Then, make a light slice down the “ribs” of the fruit…there should be 5, like a star.

Now separate them by gently pulling them apart and the center skin and “core” should stay in the middle.

Lastly, turn each section over and whack the back of them with a spoon or your hand to make those sweet rubys pop out.  Yes you will have to still use your damn hand.. ..no this is not a magical method… nothing is perfect.

Set your ruby red jewels aside… try not to eat them all while making the chocolate.

Now it’s time to get it on….

………in-greed-ients

  • 1 giant ass pomegranate
  • 1 vanilla bean – these are the bomb-Penzys Madagascar Vanilla Beans
  • 1 bag of bitter sweet or semi sweet dark chocolate morsels
  • some cardamom – either powdered Penzys powdered or cardamom oil 
  • Orange zest or ….. orange essential oil
  • some Himalayan pink salt
  • 1/2 cup of heavy cream

 

………the chocolate magic:

  1. de seed the pom – duh
  2. pour cream into a deep pot
  3. add chocolate
  4. stir constantly on low
  5. add vanilla bean paste
  6. remove from heat when completely melted
  7. slather some hot chocolate all over yourself and make that phone call / snap chat that special someone…..
  8. just kidding…. or am I? Lets get it on… 
  9. add cardamom & orange oil / zest
  10. add some of the pom seeds
  11. lay out a sheet of parchment on a cookie sheet (or if you have candy molds those are great too)
  12. pour all that awesome sauce in a circle and maybe 1/4 of an inch thick.
  13. top with more pom seeds
  14. sprinkle with some salt
  15. freeze that shit over night
  16. slice and serve bitches!
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Milk Chocolate wild orange, cardapom bark

 

 

 

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Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Do you wanna look like a fucking dessert pro? How about an easy dessert to put into tiny cups for a party or event? I gotcha covered. May I present to you….. Cheese cake pannacotta with a dragon fruit yogurt compote. This is as simple as making a fruit sauce and jello…so don’t be lily liver’d about trying it. The flavors of these two layers together are perfectly balanced and it makes you look fancy as fuck when you layer them right. I had a hard time finding good quality dragon fruit this week.. some were mushy and weird. Every time I finally find some and they aren’t where I put them in the kitchen…im like:

I like the purple/pink meated fruits more because they are sweeter but all I found was the white ones so I added some pomegranate juice to make it magenta like it should be. Dragon fruit / Pitaya fruit is the fruit of several cactus species from places my broke ass will never get to sail to… like Thailand. It’s not too sweet, kinda like a kiwi but still great for dessert. Every once in a while the Captain gets a sweet tooth. I also have an unquenchable thirst for more culinary knowledge so I am always trying new things. I’m just trying to make tasty AF food while still making better choices and anytime you can find a way to stuff your rotting carcass with more fruit and veggies is good right? 

.……..in-greed-ients on the bottom (the taker):

  • 3 cups cream (oh yeah)
  • 1/2 of a 3 oz packet sugar free cheesecake jello
  • 1 tsp, vanilla essence
  • 1/3 cup sugar (or more if you want)
  • 2½ tsp, plain gelatin
  • 4 tbsp, water

……….in-greed-ients on top (the giver):

  • 1/3 cup, sugar
  • 1 whole lemon juice
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • ¼ cup, water
  • 1 dragon fruit, chopped – leave a slice or two for garnish
  • if you have white dragon fruit you need some thing pink…..Example: food coloring, pomegranate juice, beet juice
  • the rest of the plain gelatin pack (should be a tsp or so) 
  • 3 tsp water
  • 1 cup (honey or coconut noosa is awesome) yogurt
  • ½ cup, milk

……the giggly pink magic:

  1. In a pan, combine the first 6 ingredients mentioned for the Dragon fruit yogurt compote and cook till it reaches a thick saucey consistency.
  2. Take it off the heat and keep it aside.  Allow it to cool
  3. Sprinkle gelatin over the water in a small bowl and keep it aside for 5 mins.  Allow it to bloom.
  4. add yogurt and milk with the gelatin and whisk until combined well.
  5. Add dragon fruit compote to the yogurt mix and whisk well.  Put it in the fridge to let it congeal into a creepy consistency.

……..the cheesecake magic:

  1. add gelatin to water in a bowl, whisk and let bloom.
  2. In a sauce pan, add cream, vanilla essence and sugar.  Cook until it gets to a slow boil.  Do not overheat it.
  3. Remove from heat and add it to the gelatin mixture and whisk it nicely till the gelatin dissolves
  4. add cheesecake jello and whisk.
  5. Pour this white sauce in goblets or shot glasses. If you prefer to give it an angle effect, place the glasses tilted in a muffin pan or a dish with sides and a towel, and pour the mixture into the glasses.
  6. Refrigerate till set. maybe a few hours, maybe all night long.. who knows. 
  1. when that layer is firm, add pink giggly stuff to the top with a spoon, add a dragon fruit slice as garnish and AVAST YE! So it be done!

 

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Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Yesterday was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY!  As if Americans needed a reason to celebrate Ice Cream. I’m not too much of a fan of the sweets but my crew sure is. Hence, the minion and I created a savory sweet treat to stick in their mutinous face holes.  I have always wanted to try lavender ice cream, but I never thought to use ricotta too! Then I saw Giada De Laurentiis do it and it looked sexy as fuck.  I thought it would be more time consuming than it was… but then I remembered… I HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING ICE CREAM MACHINE! Huzzah! So I dug out the Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker and we had an accord. I found several recipes for lavender ice cream but I always end up making my own version anyway…would you like to see it… well, here it is: 

……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 drops of Doterra LAVENDER essential oil (it’s cheaper if purchased through a sales rep…like myself)
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk (lick spoon now)
  • 1/2 tsp of salt
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream
  • 1/2 cup ricotta
  • electric purple food coloring- depends on how purple you want it

……..Creamy magic:

  1. Must have ice cream maker “ice pot” in the freezer for at least 24 hours prior to making ice cream
  2. mix first 5 ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat with electric mixer for 2 min
  3. add next 3 ingredients and….
  4. whip it, whip it good
  5. pour the mixture into the pot and place the churn tool in and put the lid on. Flip the switch and watch your creation come to life in 20-30 min. –

This creamy badassery gets more solid the longer it is in the freezer so if it is still a little soft serve-y just pop the “ice pot” in the freezer with cling wrap over it, for a few. Everyone has there spoon in my pot today, I can’t blame them. Even I am indulging… right after breakfast… I needed a hit. SOMEONE lost my fancy schmancy ice cream scooper so a mellon baller makes cute little balls just fine. I placed my ice cream on top of a warm chia cinnamon pancake and sprinkled it with coconut shavings and chia seeds….. because cones are for kids. I am a grown ass wench and have pallet needs that have surpassed my crews.  So get creative and make it your own! Savy?!

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INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

YAY FOR AMERICA! The fourth of July is always a great reminder of how lucky we all are to be free from tyranny! Free to be pirates if we want to, or to eat meat and drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Murica, the land of the free and home of the Jell-O-shot. There is a long and interesting history of pirates and privateers fleeing the waters of the British Empire to be free and trade (or steal) where ever they pleased. There is hidden treasure and buried loot every where along the eastern shores and islands. I made some of my very own treasure this Independence day, and although red white and blue were the 13 colonies colors, anyone can claim them. The American flag stands for freedom and I’m all about that.. that and rum. I’m all about that too. See my patriotism below: I made 160 but I think 90 would do just fine for a righteous pirate party. This takes time so start early… like the afternoon before you need them.

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 3 oz package of blue jello
  • 2 3 oz package of cherry jello
  • 4 packets of knox gelatin
  • 1 cup coconut milk
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk
  • 2 cups cherry rum
  • 2 cups whipped cream rum
  • 2 cups coconut rum (I chose the captain morgan brand…of course)
  • about 90 jello shot cups.

………Jell-O magic:

  1. first, set up the cups on trays of some kind so you can transport them to a fridge
  2. get fridge ready – make some space for these suckers cause they are gonna need it
  3. in a pot boil 2 cups water
  4. add cherry jello, let it dissolve, add 2 cups cherry rum
  5. allow it to cool and pour a layer into the cups- try not to spill that shit everywhere… good luck with that.
  6. carry them to the fridge ….carefully.
  7. while they are setting (the package says 4 hours but they could be ready in 2-3 hours) have a party.. drink some shots.. what ever. IMG_0314
  8. continue this routine with the white but use the condensed milk and coconut milk instead of water to boil. Remove Add knox and stir until dissolved… then remove from heat, add coconut rum. Let it cool,
  9. and pour it into cups carefully not to disturb the red layer. Use a spoon to be safe.
  10. put the trays in the fridge again for several hours. Have some more shots! At this point we let the kids practice bartending for us. IMG_0591
  11. Now boil the 2 cups of water for the blue
  12. remove from heat and add blue jello, dissolve, add whipped cream rum, cool,
  13. go get the trays out and use a spoon to pour.
  14. fridge.
  15. drink some shots

Tomorrow the shots should be ready for lids and transport. They should stay firm whilst sitting out for a long time. I like to stack them for a more patriotic effect.

Arrrrrrhmerica! Fuckyeah!

 

 

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Tuaca Blueberry, Brie & Lemon Galette!

Tuaca Blueberry, Brie & Lemon Galette!

Why aren’t there any good French places near my island? (I call my town my island because it’s mine and it’s self sustaining until we go on vacation excursions.) I tried to stay true to my detox this week but someone bought brie and pie crust.  Someone also gave me tons of blueberries, which is superb! So, galettes it is mates!  Sometimes there is nothing else that can satisfy my first mates sweet tooth but a pastry pie. I see this recipe on Pinterest all the damn time, but I made it my bitch…. like I do. Also, I know how y’all rascals love that ready made pie crust….it just fits right into your busy schedule. So, here tis the good stuff.  Stuff yo face with it:

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 package store bought pie crust (comes with 2)
  • 2 cups blueberries
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 2 tbsp. cornstarch
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • some salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1 round of brie (man, I love cheese)
  • 1 large lemon
  • some honey
  • some Tuaca ( a shot for the bowl, and a few for yourself)

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……the berry magic:

  1. preheat oven to 425
  2. mix berries, sugar, cornstarch, zest of the whole lemon, and juice of the lemon, vanilla, a shot of tuaca, and salt in a bowl… mix it good.
  3. drink a shot….and yell TUACA!!!! Ah, that’s better
  4. unroll the dough, place a 5 in round bowl, or ramekin, or pastry cutter on the dough and cut circles. Can re roll scraps to make more circles until its gone.
  5. plop those circles on a sprayed sheet of parchment on a pan
  6. cut some thin chunks of brie and make a flat bed in the middle of the circles
  7. spoon about 2 heaping spoonfulls of berry mixture on top of the brie bed in each circle
  8. fold the edges up over the sides of the filling. About a half inch all the way around, folding and pressing the bottom to keep that shit in place.  Tell it who’s the captain!
  9. make an egg wash with the egg, brush it over the dough.
  10. shot time… you deserved it! You, my mate, are the tits!

    Shots, shots, shots....

    Shots, shots, shots….

  11. bake for 15 to 20 min depending on how crisp you want them. Don’t worry about the purple ooze coming out, that’s just the good stuff.. I call it, Ivan Ooze.

Now top these buggars with honey (because honey is the bees knees) and whipped cream if you like….. and make a hot mess!  Also great with other fruit and cheeses, savy?!  Drink up me hearties YOHO!

Blueberry Brie Galette

Blueberry Brie Galette

 

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Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Most North American land lubbers have not experimented much with the plantain. This is a “the gods damned”  travesty. Plantains are fucking amazeballs.  We pirates LOoOoOve them and eat them frequently, as well as mango!  First off, don’t confuse them with plain old bananas. I  mean nanas are great too… but not as sexy & versatile! You can make plantains sweet or savory because they are a lot like potatoes and bananas. I have sautéed them in honey, mashed them with butter and garlic, fried them and flambéed them with rum, ect… Here is a recipe that is easier than shit. I know yall lazy skurvs like easy….its great for summer.  So go get you some plantains and get to work, savy?

…in-greed-ients:

  • 2 medium ripe plantains, peeled, chopped in a food processor (not blended)
  • some coconut flakes (like a cup)
  • 1 large egg + 1 egg white
  • 1 can coconut milk – the good shit not the light – chillin like a villain.
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • some honey – BUY LOCAL BITCHES – I’m currently using this brand: Goodflow Honey
  • a mango
  • an avocado
  • some chopped cilantro
  • 1 lime (juice)
  • cinnamon (powdered)
  • Himalayan pink salt & cracked pepper

……the magic:

  • preheat oven to 400*
  • chop plantain in a food processor until rice like
  • add eggs and coconut to plantain in a bowl – coat and toss and season with salt and pepper.
  • spray muffin / cupcake tin with cooking spray
  • spoon a glob into each hole. use a shot glass to make the cup shape, buy pressing down in the center and on the sides
  • bake for 15 min
  • whilst they are baking, pour coconut cream, vanilla, and honey in to bowl and mix with a hand blender or immersion blender until whipped…like 7 minutes. set aside.
  • chop/ slice avocado and mango into cubes. Toss it wit cilantro and lime juice and cinnamon. Let me splain:

Now fill those glory holes with the delicioso mix! Top with some of that creamy whipped goodness, sprinkle some more coconut flakes on top, and there ya have it mates….. dessert is served.  Yar brethren court should approve!                                                              (my cream sat too long before the picture was taken here). IMG_3607

 

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Rum Strawberries & Coconut Cream Panna Cotta!

Rum Strawberries & Coconut Cream Panna Cotta!

ARRGight ARRGight ARRGight… this is L I V I N. So, I call this the “Lip Smacker” because it tastes like strawberries and cream and makes your mouth say *SmAcK*!  I had some heavy cream and strawberries so I figured… hey, I can make something outta this. All I can say is dayum. When it comes to desserts, the sexiest ones for me are crème brulee and panna cotta.  (Reminder to self: maybe use this for sexy food play night.) It takes a little patience and needs to be real chill….if you get my drift.  I feel like this is a good pirate dessert hence the rum and coconut flavors. Also, t’would be a sweet ass Valentines day treat for the lovers. My recipe makes enough for 3 med wine glasses or 4-5 ramekins but who says you can’t just put it in a big ass bowl and eat it with your face. I don’t judge. No haters allowed.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 1 package gelatin (about 6 grams)
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 1 cup thick coconut milk
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1tsp coconut extract
  • 1/2 cup honey (buy local bitches)
  • 2 tsp coconut shreds
  • 1 lb strawberries (the big ass package)
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • some kraken rum,http://www.krakenrum.com/ like a shot… then a few shots for you!

……the creamy magic:

  1. Mix gelatin with 2 tsp water in a large mixing bowl and let it poof up for like 10 min while you do other shit
  2. in a large sauce pan bring to a simmer: cream, coconut milk, and honey
  3. when it starts to bubble, take off heat, allow to cool 5 min
  4. add vanilla & coconut extract, gelatin & stir it up..
  5. pour equal parts into 3 wine classes or 4-5 ramekins and set to chill (slanted or flat or what evs…might have to prop that shit up on something like wet paper towels in a bowl).
  6. Just chill.  like 3-4 hours. Can leave over night. fuck it. Do a shot or 3.

……the rum sauce:

  1. boil the washed and sliced strawberries, all accept for 3 of the prettiest ones
  2. add honey and rum and smash with a muddler or a potato smasher. HULK SMASH & do a shot.
  3. then blend in a food processor and chill until it thickens

Layer these sexy beauties when you are ready to serve.  Sprinkle the coconut shavings on top.  Slice the prettiest berries in half and cut a V into the tops to make hearts and stick’em on the side of the glass or slap’em right on top of what ever you poured it into. Now try not to make inappropriate moaning noises whilst eating this. Good luck with that.

 

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