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Category Archives: Appetizers that don’t suck

Garlicky Shrimp Alfredo, Cauli Pizza

Garlicky Shrimp Alfredo, Cauli Pizza

The amount of garlic in my blood could probably turn any vampire straight.   I will eat it in the rain, I will eat it on a train, I will eat garlic here or there, I will .… well you get the point.  In my blogs you will see that I like to apply & link all sorts of input that be floating about in my over flowing memory bank… ie: movie quotes, lines of a children’s book, slang terminology, local promoting, tools and tricks, awesome and random information, awkward video clips, music and pop culture references. Please click on the links and HIGHLIGHTED words for the full educational effect of the ride. SO, FYI: The main ingredient in garlic is allicin, which has antibacterial, antivirus, antifungal, and antioxidant properties, and not surprisingly, Garlic is a great food for heart health. It helps blood flow, lowers cholesterol, stops heart disease… aaaand it makes your house smell amazing!! No sarcasm there, I’m working on a garlic scented candle asap!  Until then, I get my fix in many ways… including, but not limited to, Hot Line Pepper Products, Garlicky Greengo.  I know y’all are aware of my support for these sauces, so I wanted to share yet another way to enjoy / apply this one to your pallet. Buttery, garlicky skrimps, low carb alfredo sauce (you can buy it but I included my own recipe for this), fresh basil.. you’re going to flip for this shiz.  Well , I did. So much that I have made this several times… and I am not usually a repeater.  I love pizza, like when my first mate asked me if I loved him more than pizza… I hesitated. So, when I started making cauliflower crust pizzas my life changed forever. I don’t even dig those doughy, dry, flour based bread crusts anymore…bleh… no more hard tack for me! The pirate in me needs seafood pizza, the KETO-er in me needs to stay under 20-30 carbs a day… and the foodie in me needs ALL THE FLAVOR!  You don’t need to be on a diet to enjoy healthy food options, don’t be skeerd.  Here are my instructions: Boycott bland food, take no prisoners, crush this pizza.

In-greed-ients:

Caulipower crust:

  • 1 medium head of cauliflower or 5-6 cups of store bought cauliflower rice
  • 1 egg, large
  • 1 tsp Italian zest seasoning
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp pepper
  • 1 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 cup Parmesan
  • 1/2 cup Mozzarella cheese, grated
  • Cooking spray
  • Elbow grease 😉

Pizza toppings:

  • 6 -8 uncooked, fresh shrimp (size matters, I like them large, but maybe you don’t).
  • A couple spoons of Garlicky Greengo
  • 1 tbsp KerryGold
  • 1 tbsp EVOO
  • Fresh basil (as much as your heart desires)
  • Fresh cherry or grape tomatoes (about 1/4 of a cup, whole)
  • 1-2 hand fulls of shredded mozzerella

Low carb Alfredo Sauce:

  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 3 oz cream cheese, room temperature
  • 2 oz Parmesan cheese, freshly grated
  • 2 tbsp butter, KerryGold again because JULIA CHILD says you can never have enough butter.
  • 1 large egg yolk
  • 1 pinch pepper
  • 1 pinch freshly ground nutmeg

…..but first… a creepy and informative song & video about garlic.

Alright lets do this. First you must make the crust, which seems a bit tedious, and IS a bit messy, but so worth it.  Don’t let anyone lie to you about cauliflower, it is the glitter of the food world. No matter how careful you are, the “ricing” and squeezing process can get out of control.   Make it rain tiny bits of white stuff…. but be prepared. Tarps work, a shop vac maybe.. lol.

Caulipower Crust: 

  1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees F and line a baking sheet with a silpat, or parchment. Spray it with something oily.
  2. Rinse cauliflower, remove the outer leaves, separate into florets and chop into smaller pieces.  Blitz it in 2-3 batches, until “rice” texture forms. Dump this into a microwave safe bowl and nuke it for 4 min.
  3. Remove cooked cauliflower rice dump it in a double/triple layer of cheese cloth or a linen towel, plop it back in the bowl and let cool for 5 minutes. Then squeeze it like you mean it. Get at least 90% of the liquid out of the ball.  When you think it’s all out, it probably isn’t, keep squeezing.
  4.  Once cooled, In the same bowl, crack the egg with dried herbs, salt and garlic. Add cheese; mix very well with spatula until combined.
  5. Transfer “dough” in the middle and flatten with your hands until thin pizza crust forms. I like it about 1/4 inch thick.
  6. Bake for 20 minutes, carefully flip with 2 spatulas (or the “flip the whole parchment trick” if you are good like that) and bake for a few more minutes. Damn you are messy, clean up while this bakes. 😉

Store: Refrigerate covered for up to 2 days.

Alfredo:

  1. Gently melt the butter and cream cheese together in a small pot over low heat, whisking to combine.
  2. Add 1/4 cup of the heavy cream, turn heat up to medium low, and stir until combined and hot. Add 1/4 of the Parmesan cheese and stir until melted. Alternate adding the heavy cream and Parmesan cheese in the same fashion until all is incorporated.
  3. Separate one egg and beat the yolk until moral improves. When the sauce is hot and bubbling, add the egg yolk while whisking. Turn heat a little lower and continue whisking until the sauce coats the back of a spoon about 1-2 minutes more. Adjust seasonings. Thickens as it cools!
  4. Makes about 1 1/2 cups. Serves 4 at approximately 1/3 cup per serving… and this tasty “American-Italian” sauce has an unlikely history, click the link here  or in the ingredients to learn. 

Skrimps:

  1. In cold water, clean and devein the shrimp poo. NO one wants that….I got the poo on me…..!!! Set aside on a paper towel and dry them babies good.
  2. In a large sauté pan (or a WOK if you have one) on medium-low heat, add enough olive oil to coat and a little guess what… yuuuppp BUTTER. Allow to melt.
  3. Add your shrimp so they are all even on the bottom of the pan. Add that delicious garlicky greengo sauce. Cook for 1 to 2 minutes and flip. They take very little time.

Assembly:

  1. Schmear a few spoonfuls of that silky alfredo sauce onto the caulipower crust.
  2. Top with a hand full of mozzarella cheese 
  3. Lay those luscious shrimp down to sleep
  4. Then slice those adorable tomatoes and stratigically place those between the shrimp.  I get my tomatoes from a local CO-OP called Tomball Family Farm to Kitchen that always gives me the freshest local ingredients and produce in my weekly box. I love to know where my veggies come from.
  5. Chiffonade the fresh basil (also in that Fresh AF CO-OP Box) with your favorite chef knife, my fav is part of a set called  Galaxy knives.   Then just sprinkle sprinkle. 
  6. Bake at 400 for about 5 -7 min.. or until the cheese melts.
  7. Stuff your face hole!! 

As usual, please follow my FB page “The Bomb Noms” for non blogged recipes and information regarding my gourmet foods. If you are like me and you like it saucy, join the best little ALL sauce group on FB.. “Do you even sauce bro?”  Until next time, may your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced and your compass be true.

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Cuban Eggrolls!

Cuban Eggrolls!

National FOOD TRUCK day was spent at home this year….we are preparing for our annual Halloween extravaganza and thusly are too poor to go downtown just for food. I still needed some food truck in my life. So, I prepared one of the items that I would sell from my imaginary food truck. CUBANO EGGROLLS fool! I mean, obvs i’m big into “fusion” foods.. and obvs i’m creative AF…..but I am also super into promoting local. (In case you didn’t already know).  I purchased this cannon-balls relish called  Dillapeno (<<buy it here <<) relish from the Smithers Family at the  Houston Hot Sauce Festival I attend every year.  If you love pickles.. as I do… PLEASE try this shiz. I used it in place of pickle slices in my cubans. I made waaay to many but luckily I have a large hungry crew of friends who randomly sail by to graze grub…. otherwise I would be way larger and way in charger.  On my food truck, I would make these dericious cuban wraps becasue they are totally finger food and totally a “quickie” item. I wrap so tight… you should too.       

………in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pack of eggroll wraps
  • 1/4 lb swiss cheese slices
  • 1/2 lb of roasted pork slices
  • 1/2 lb of sliced ham…preferably smoked somehow.
  • a thing of spicy / sweet dijon mustard
  • some dill jalepeno relish
  • garlic powder, salt & pepper
  • egg wash
  • stuff for frying.. ie: pan, oil, fire.

…….Cuban magic:

  1. lay an eggroll wrap on a cutting board
  2. throw down the ham
  3. throw down the pork
  4. slap it with a half slice of cheese
  5. spoon out some relish
  6. squirt out some ‘tard
  7. season
  8. roll…..just roll along…..just roll along….
  9. egg wash to seal
  10. fry that shit.

This halloween, the first mate is going to be a zombie Ricky Ricardo and I am going to be a Zombie Lucy so we need to practice our cuban dancing….. so here:

 

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PIZZA BUNDT!

PIZZA BUNDT!

Holy pepperoni batman! Thank the gods for pizza bundt cake! The crew had been begging for something bad… something so bad it’s good. I can’t lie… I had the itch too.  I had heard of such a thing before, but never had I been privy to such a tasty mouthful of desire before. I’m literally drooling whilst writing about it. Maybe I will have that last tiny slice in the fridge real quick…..IMG_1095

OK, now I can continue. The first mate finally (after I tortured him and threatened the plank) decided to grace me with his presence in the skullery. I loved that he got his hands dirty… dirty with pizza juices!  This was so simple and perfect for a Friday night for our Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.  I don’t usually like to slave away on Friday nights but, I’m currently poor and still hungry. Hence… PIZZA BUNDT is amazeballs.  Especially when its drunk drizzled with a zesty pizza sauce.  Also, I did everything the lazy way.. no organic or home made shit in this recipe. Sometimes you gotta let loose and eat junk. We are fat and happy today. You should be too. Huzzah!

……..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 Cans of rolled Pizza Dough
  • 2 cups Mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • a healthy hand full of a really good Italian seasoning
  • a few fresh basil leaves chopped small
  • ⅓ cup EVOO
  • 1 – 8 oz package of teeny mini pepperoni (turkeyroni will work too)
  • a few spoonfulls of fresh minced garlic
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of  drained pineapple chunks
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of drained sliced black olives
  • 1 small jar of zesty pizza sauce

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………PIZZA magic:

  1. preheat oven to 350
  2. chop dough in to slices then quarters
  3. mix all this shit ACCEPT the sauce, in a large bowl….toss it and floss it. Use your hands…..it’s more fun.  
  4. put it all in to a sprayed bundt pan
  5. bake uncovered for about 25-30 minutes
  6. plop it on a plate, serving tray, and cover with sauce (it’s like pizza icing)
  7. sprinkle with more parm
  8. slice and stuff it in your face

Pizza bundt

Pizza bundt

 

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Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Well slap my ass and call me a salty dog! I made a pretzel and dipped it thangs!  Here’s the story:

I was alone, reluctantly carrying the gazillion grocery bags in from the desert wasteland we call my driveway in texas. The bags were cheap, probably recycled beyond usable standards. The door was soooo far away…. then a bag broke… I caught it… whew!  Then, I heard a POP!  I felt a doughy sticky limp coldness in the bottom of my last bag. “I wasn’t planning on making bread tonight”  I yelled to myself.  Fuck it, I plopped it on a pan and made a pretzel shape.  Alas, the dough kept shrinking like a chocolate starfish out of water. So I improvised! I stuck some oven safe bowls in the holes to keep the shape. Voila.. built in dipping bowls!  I sprinkled it with thyme, garlic butter, parmesan & my new artisan balsamic salt (I finally have a good selection of artisan infused salts) see here: Artisan salts ROCKIMG_4798It was the perfect appetizer to my grilled butterfly pork chop and home made beet risotto! I love beet risotto, too bad the first mate hates beets… oh well, more for the Captain! Huzzah!

IMG_4911Now you can’t rightly eat a pretzel without a dip. I love dips… sauces.. hot sauces… anything saucy and creamy. Check out my hot sauce group on Facebook here: DO YOU EVEN SAUCE BRO So here are my instructions and dip recipes. Don’t laugh at how simple this all is….. some people need simple so I’m giving them this. Eat it.

…..in-greed-ients

  • 1 can Italian bread dough
  • spray garlic oil or garlic butter melted
  • balsamic salt (Himalayan will do)
  • thyme
  • 1/4 cup parmesan shredded
  • 1 can of nacho cheese soup
  • 1 dark beer (I like Leinenkugel -Big Butt Doppelbock)
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce
  • 1 whole clove garlic

……..yeasty magic:

  1. spray a foil lined cookie sheet
  2. Take out dough snake. Plop it down and make a pretzel
  3. stick some of those small oven safe bowls (for salsa and queso or small ramekins) in the holes.
  4. baste it with butter / oil spray
  5. seasoning and thyme
  6. surround pretzel with raw garlic cloves (coated in butter / oil as well)
  7. bake for 25 min @350
  8. take out with 5 min to spare (take off garlic) sprinkle parm and broil for last 4 min.

……. the dippy magic:

  1. open can of NACHO cheese soup  pour into a sauce pan
  2. add half beer… stir and simmer
  3. pour cheese into pretzel bowl
  4. heat up pizza sauce same way and pour into the second bowl
  5. put garlic in third bowl. Roasted garlic is soooo good for you, it helps aid against cancer, cold sores, food poisoning, UTI’s, scurvy..ect… see here: Garlic is awesome

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So, now you have a quick easy appetizer to grub whilst you wait for the grill to heat up. Happy feasting!  Drink up me hearties YOHO! Here is some weird shit.

funny-pretzel-drunk-photo

 

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