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Category Archives: A pirates life for me!

Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Yesterday was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY!  As if Americans needed a reason to celebrate Ice Cream. I’m not too much of a fan of the sweets but my crew sure is. Hence, the minion and I created a savory sweet treat to stick in their mutinous face holes.  I have always wanted to try lavender ice cream, but I never thought to use ricotta too! Then I saw Giada De Laurentiis do it and it looked sexy as fuck.  I thought it would be more time consuming than it was… but then I remembered… I HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING ICE CREAM MACHINE! Huzzah! So I dug out the Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker and we had an accord. I found several recipes for lavender ice cream but I always end up making my own version anyway…would you like to see it… well, here it is: 

……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 drops of Doterra LAVENDER essential oil (it’s cheaper if purchased through a sales rep…like myself)
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk (lick spoon now)
  • 1/2 tsp of salt
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream
  • 1/2 cup ricotta
  • electric purple food coloring- depends on how purple you want it

……..Creamy magic:

  1. Must have ice cream maker “ice pot” in the freezer for at least 24 hours prior to making ice cream
  2. mix first 5 ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat with electric mixer for 2 min
  3. add next 3 ingredients and….
  4. whip it, whip it good
  5. pour the mixture into the pot and place the churn tool in and put the lid on. Flip the switch and watch your creation come to life in 20-30 min. –

This creamy badassery gets more solid the longer it is in the freezer so if it is still a little soft serve-y just pop the “ice pot” in the freezer with cling wrap over it, for a few. Everyone has there spoon in my pot today, I can’t blame them. Even I am indulging… right after breakfast… I needed a hit. SOMEONE lost my fancy schmancy ice cream scooper so a mellon baller makes cute little balls just fine. I placed my ice cream on top of a warm chia cinnamon pancake and sprinkled it with coconut shavings and chia seeds….. because cones are for kids. I am a grown ass wench and have pallet needs that have surpassed my crews.  So get creative and make it your own! Savy?!

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Taco Frito Empanadas!

Taco Frito Empanadas!

Why Yes, I do like to theme cook! I theme dress, theme drink and theme party, why not theme cook too? On Tuesdays we TACO…..or some version of something “taco like”.  I serve Mexican beer or we take tequila shots and sometimes I wear my tiny sombrero. Its mucho adorkable. This week I made taco empanadas with fritos and ranch beans…..and it was a bitchin success! I made 6 and it fed 3 with 2 for the first mate to take to work the next day. This shit was so easy… even a white girl can do it! Most empanadas are of Latin origin, have a pastry shell, and either a savory or a sweet filling. As you know, I am a savory wench. A lot of empanada recipes have cheese inside it.. I don’t like to do that because when reheating them, the cheese gets fucking weird. So I made a chipotle queso sauce to smother these fuckers with. Also, no taco type substance is complete without an avocado element. Hence, HOLY GUACAMOLE! (not included in this post) The minion was all “I don’t like the yellow things” and I was all…”suck it up and eat it or starve!”  Long story long… the crew didn’t starve, and will survive to fight another day thanks to Captain D’kay and her taco frito empanadas!

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……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 thawed pie pastrys (comes with two per box usually)
  • some flour – to keep things from getting sticky
  • 1/2 lb lean ground beef
  • 1/2 can rotel with chilies
  • 1/2 can golden hominy
  • 1/4 diced white onion
  • some minced garlic
  • 1/2 cup fritos- crushed (like when chang crushes fritos in OITNB…if you have seen that one)
  • taco seasoning mix-powder
  • 2 green jalepenos – diced and deseeded 
  • 1 can RANCH BEANS – that’s right.. because this is MY WAY damnit! 
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp taco sauce

…….Dama El Grande Queso!:

  • 1/2 cup sharp cheddar
  • 1/2 cup monterey jack 
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 tbsp flour
  • smoked chipotle powder
  • garlic powder

…… Taco magic: 

  1. pour evoo in a large deep pan
  2. brown onions for 2 minutes then add garlic
  3. add beef and taco seasoning – brown
  4. add rotel and hominy
  5. smash ranch beans in a bowl with a potato masher- HULK SMASH!
  6. a round of tequila shots for you, yourself and your other hand.  You deserve it!
  7. roll out pie dough on floured surface
  8. cut out rounds as big as your hand (makes about 6 depending on your size- I put my hand down and make a circle around it with my blade)
  9. press scraps together and make more rounds – it’s easy if you try.
  10. spoon some beans onto the middle of each round
  11. spoon some beef mix onto the middle of each round
  12. top with some crushed fritos 
  13. fold over and press down on sides with fingers
  14. fork around the edges to seal
  15. pour some taco sauce in a small bowl and whisk with egg- it gives the crust a shiny brown finish. 
  16. egg wash the whole thing with a brush
  17. poke some holes to release pressure with a fork
  18. I like to make shapes with the left over dough and stick them on with egg wash… like hearts, stars, and skulls like this one that is in the mail on it’s way to me. It will be mine!… skull cookie cutter
  19. bake these beaners for about 15 – 20 min depending on how golden you like them. I like my crispy and brown
  20. take a shot of Tequila!

………cheesy magic: 

  1. heat butter in a small sauce pot
  2. add flour to make a paste
  3. whisk in milk
  4. add cheese 
  5. add chipotle and garlic seasoning
  6. bathe your tongue in this cheesy goodness! Drench the empanadas with this golden love sauce. 

…..Holy Guacamole! 

This, I must divulge in another post… can’t give away all my secrets in one day!  You can either make your own or buy some store crap until then….Tequila Shot! Drink up me hearties yo ho! 

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Me with my Tiny Sombrero

 

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PIZZA BUNDT!

PIZZA BUNDT!

Holy pepperoni batman! Thank the gods for pizza bundt cake! The crew had been begging for something bad… something so bad it’s good. I can’t lie… I had the itch too.  I had heard of such a thing before, but never had I been privy to such a tasty mouthful of desire before. I’m literally drooling whilst writing about it. Maybe I will have that last tiny slice in the fridge real quick…..IMG_1095

OK, now I can continue. The first mate finally (after I tortured him and threatened the plank) decided to grace me with his presence in the skullery. I loved that he got his hands dirty… dirty with pizza juices!  This was so simple and perfect for a Friday night for our Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.  I don’t usually like to slave away on Friday nights but, I’m currently poor and still hungry. Hence… PIZZA BUNDT is amazeballs.  Especially when its drunk drizzled with a zesty pizza sauce.  Also, I did everything the lazy way.. no organic or home made shit in this recipe. Sometimes you gotta let loose and eat junk. We are fat and happy today. You should be too. Huzzah!

……..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 Cans of rolled Pizza Dough
  • 2 cups Mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • a healthy hand full of a really good Italian seasoning
  • a few fresh basil leaves chopped small
  • ⅓ cup EVOO
  • 1 – 8 oz package of teeny mini pepperoni (turkeyroni will work too)
  • a few spoonfulls of fresh minced garlic
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of  drained pineapple chunks
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of drained sliced black olives
  • 1 small jar of zesty pizza sauce

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………PIZZA magic:

  1. preheat oven to 350
  2. chop dough in to slices then quarters
  3. mix all this shit ACCEPT the sauce, in a large bowl….toss it and floss it. Use your hands…..it’s more fun.  
  4. put it all in to a sprayed bundt pan
  5. bake uncovered for about 25-30 minutes
  6. plop it on a plate, serving tray, and cover with sauce (it’s like pizza icing)
  7. sprinkle with more parm
  8. slice and stuff it in your face

Pizza bundt

Pizza bundt

 

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Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

I’m a little Scottish, a little Polish, a little Oklahoma Indian mix and some other stuff so I am truly an American MUTT.   I am definitely a savory person so I always veer back to earthy foods traditionally found in England, Scotland, Ireland…ect. So, I was looking at these left over mashed potatoes in the fridge and some bison meat and wondering what I could do with them…… AVAST YE!!!! Shepherds pie! Alas, I had sadly never made one before.  SO, I hopped on Pinterest to troll for ideas and none of them seemed fancy enough for me. As you may have picked up, I like to be different…it’s kind of my thing.  I’ve also never been great at being the black sheep that everyone tried to make me out to be.  I’m more like a shepherd of the black sheep… a leader of rejects and awesomely weird fuckers and party people.  I won’t follow you when you jump off the bridge but I will drive you there,  take pictures.. and then I’ll take your dumb ass to the hospital after you break a leg.  I do what I want, not what others are doing… unless I want to… but I like to break a rule or two. Savy?  Which led me to taking out the fucking peas (stupid ingredient) and adding shrooms.. because they’re fucking awesome. I used bison instead of lamb or beef, and leeks instead of celery, hominy instead of corn, added lentils, and some other minor alterations.  Boy I’ll tell you what.. it was the bomb nom in my mouth! The minion ate 2 portions, the first mate ate two portions… and I had to wrap it up for the neighbors to try before I had 3 portions. As a modern pirate, I may take what I want, but I always give something back…and I always keep my accords.   IMG_1033

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 lb ground bison
  •  some EVOO
  •  5 shallots
  •  3-4 cloves of garlic, finely minced with that rad garlic thing I keep showing you….French garlic mincer plate
  • powdered garlic too. Can never have enough garlic.
  •  a handful of baby carrots.. the skinny small ones, chopped chunky
  •  2 stalks of leeks, washed well and sliced in rounds
  •  5-6 baby Portobello shrooms sliced only
  • 1 can of white or yellow hominy… I like the white ones.
  • 1/2 can of lentils – for a more earthy badass meat base
  •  1 packet French onion soup mix 
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce (its just more zesty than tomato paste)
  • powdered thyme
  • turmeric
  • rosemary sprigs
  •  4-5 medium potatoes, skinned & boiled. (I’m assuming you don’t already have left over mashed potatoes but if you do… awesome. Use that shit.
  •  3 tbsp butter
  •  2/3 cup greek yogurt (instead of cream… because I try to be better…lol)
  • 1 cup shredded parmesan
  •  ground Himalayan pink Salt & ground Pepper
  •  1 egg (for egg wash)

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…….Shepherd Magic:

  1.  Heat some olive oil in a deep pan.
  2. Toss in the sliced shallots and garlic & sautee till it turns soft and translucent.
  3. Add the bison and cook till almost brown
  4. Once the meat is browned season the meat well with French onion soup mix and add pizza sauce. Add Lentils and stir well.
  5. Then put a lid on, lower the heat and let the sauce simmer for 10 minutes or so while you prepare the other stuffs.
  6. Peel, cut and boil the potatoes in well salted water. Then drain them and toss them in a mixing bowl.
  7. Start assembling the dish, spoon the ground beef mix in the bottom of a casserole dish, or small oven proof individual serving dishes. I used both a large dish and some ramekins as well.. for the minion and neighbors.
  8. Clean large deep pan and once again put olive oil in it.
  9. add leeks and carrots and more garlic. sautee until carrots are medium soft.
  10. you can mash potatoes now, Add the butter, parmesan, yogurt and some garlic powder to them while still hot and mash them with a potato masher. The fluffier the better. Still firm… but like clouds. Season it with salt and pepper.
  11. add shrooms and canned (rinsed) hominy, turmeric, thyme & salt  to veggies and sautee for a few more minutes.
  12. Whilst waiting for the veggies to cook, spoon them taters into a piping device (because we like to be fancy as fuck).
  13. Now lay the second layer. The veggies.. THE REASON FOR THIS: is not every one likes veggies.. like my minion and my weird neighbor.. my dad… other weird people. SO you can leave this step out for them (see below). Also, it looks cooler to have layers. layers are the gods damned pretty.
  14. Now pipe 1 or two layers of mashed potato flowers (my way is cooler than just fork lines) all  over the top. If you suck and you have to spoon it, flatten it a little over the top and with a fork make some lines on top…. the ridges are what will brown and form a nice crust.
  15. very very Lightly brush a little egg wash (an egg beaten with a teaspoon of water) on the ridges of the mashed potatoes. Pop it into the oven at 400F for around 10-15 minutes.
  16. Then stick them under the broiler for another few minutes (4-5) until the mashed potato topping froms a nice golden brown crust.
  17. Garnish with some fresh rosemary

I love this black sheep shepherds pie so much it’s actually getting printed and shoved into the real life Captains go to recipe book. I really hope someone tries this and comments their results and opinion. If not, fuckit…. I’ll be making it again and again anyway.  My ass looking forward to running more to eat more of this. What ever cardio I can get…even if it is rolling down a hill fast.

 

 

 

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INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

YAY FOR AMERICA! The fourth of July is always a great reminder of how lucky we all are to be free from tyranny! Free to be pirates if we want to, or to eat meat and drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Murica, the land of the free and home of the Jell-O-shot. There is a long and interesting history of pirates and privateers fleeing the waters of the British Empire to be free and trade (or steal) where ever they pleased. There is hidden treasure and buried loot every where along the eastern shores and islands. I made some of my very own treasure this Independence day, and although red white and blue were the 13 colonies colors, anyone can claim them. The American flag stands for freedom and I’m all about that.. that and rum. I’m all about that too. See my patriotism below: I made 160 but I think 90 would do just fine for a righteous pirate party. This takes time so start early… like the afternoon before you need them.

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 3 oz package of blue jello
  • 2 3 oz package of cherry jello
  • 4 packets of knox gelatin
  • 1 cup coconut milk
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk
  • 2 cups cherry rum
  • 2 cups whipped cream rum
  • 2 cups coconut rum (I chose the captain morgan brand…of course)
  • about 90 jello shot cups.

………Jell-O magic:

  1. first, set up the cups on trays of some kind so you can transport them to a fridge
  2. get fridge ready – make some space for these suckers cause they are gonna need it
  3. in a pot boil 2 cups water
  4. add cherry jello, let it dissolve, add 2 cups cherry rum
  5. allow it to cool and pour a layer into the cups- try not to spill that shit everywhere… good luck with that.
  6. carry them to the fridge ….carefully.
  7. while they are setting (the package says 4 hours but they could be ready in 2-3 hours) have a party.. drink some shots.. what ever. IMG_0314
  8. continue this routine with the white but use the condensed milk and coconut milk instead of water to boil. Remove Add knox and stir until dissolved… then remove from heat, add coconut rum. Let it cool,
  9. and pour it into cups carefully not to disturb the red layer. Use a spoon to be safe.
  10. put the trays in the fridge again for several hours. Have some more shots! At this point we let the kids practice bartending for us. IMG_0591
  11. Now boil the 2 cups of water for the blue
  12. remove from heat and add blue jello, dissolve, add whipped cream rum, cool,
  13. go get the trays out and use a spoon to pour.
  14. fridge.
  15. drink some shots

Tomorrow the shots should be ready for lids and transport. They should stay firm whilst sitting out for a long time. I like to stack them for a more patriotic effect.

Arrrrrrhmerica! Fuckyeah!

 

 

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GOING HAM ROLLS!

GOING HAM ROLLS!

This fourth of July I made several things (I will post next). One of which was my “goin HAM rolls”. These rolls aren’t magic but they are pretty damned tasty… enough to be requested every year. I scoured the internet for a recipe just like it but apparently it’s pretty original. Everyone makes these with just pickles and cream cheese or rolled in tortilla to make pinwheels…ok. What ever floats your schooner.  I usually alter my recipes over time…this one is from my late momma and I don’t have to change it at all.  Mother effing Perfection rolled up and swallowed.  The key to a great “party appetizer” is simple first, then tasty… don’t try to be too fancy when it just needs to be a counter top finger food item.  From the Master at Arms down to the powder monkeys and swabbers alike, they will ALL have their dirty nose pickers all over these sons a bitches. So get out the biggest cutting board you’ve got in the scullery and go crazy! AAAAAaahhhhhhh!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 2 packs of rectangle ham. Comes with about 20 or so pieces of ham.
  • 2 packs of 8 0z cream cheese -the softer the better
  • 1 yellow bell sliced long ways very thin
  • 2-3 roma tomatoes sliced in long strips
  • 2 giant dill pickles – sliced thin strips but slice out soft seedy middles and eat them now.. you probably need a snack… and no one likes soggy pickle spears in their ham rolls.
  • several slices of red onion – use the outside long pieces not the small round center pieces
  • 7-9 pieces of pre cooked bacon (I like the spicy jalepeno bacon for this)
  • 5-6 slices of sharp cheddar cheese -sliced in 1/4 inch thin strips
  • flavorgod, spicy everything seasoning –Spicy Everything
  • Himalayan salt & cracked pepper
  • garlic powder

……. ROLL magic:

  1. cut everything to fit the size of the ham rolls, nothing should stick out on the sides.
  2. lay out them slices of ham all over the board
  3. take about a whole finger sized chunk of cream cheese and slap it on one side of the ham slice, continue this for all slices.. put cream cheese finger on the same side on all.
  4. use a butter knife to spread the cream cheese across the ham… not the entire slice should be covered…just leave a half inch not slathered.
  5. place a piece of bacon on the blank spaces
  6. place a slice of bell
  7. slice of pickle
  8. slice of onion
  9. slice of tomato
  10. slice of thin cheese
  11. sprinkle all with seasonings
  12. start roll with food side and roll towards thick cream cheese side. The cream cheese will be like glue.
  13. eat the rest of the stuffs… my favorite part.

AVAST YE! You’ve done it. Now try not to eat them all before the party. Here is some wacky ass shit. Watch it….and GO HAM!

 

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Ratatouille!

Ratatouille!

I absofuckinlutely love meat. BUT… I absofuckinlutely love veggies too. The first mate came aboard and says “where’s the meat babe?”   I just laughed and gave him a spatula full.  The scarfing that ensued reinforces the method to my madness!  The neighbor even came by and tried to invoke parlay when I forced him to try some (he doesn’t really “do veggies”)… he licked that shit up. So, good.  Now I usually wait until the beginning of spring to make this dish when the air is still crisp and the Japanese eggplant MIGHT actually be in stock at my local stores. NO such luck this week. I just had too many zucchinis, tomatoes and yellow squashes to not make this. I’ve done it several times now and I decided it needed baby Portobello mushrooms this time…. No recipe on the sea nor land is safe from my imagination!  Ratatouille is originally a French side dish from poor folks, made from scrap veggies.  FYI: Poor folks make some damn good grub. When the movie Ratatouille came out, the minion was all excited about making this dish with me. ( It doesn’t mean he will actually eat it, but he tried it.)  That’s what made me start looking up different variations. Some say sautéing all of the veggies together is right, some say to cook them separately. This one ruffian says to simmer them in a pot……

“The secret of a good ratatouille is to cook the vegetables separately so each will taste truly of itself.”            – Joel Robuchon

Julia Child’s version involves sautéing the eggplant, squash and zucchini separately and then layering them whilst the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bells are made into a piperade sauce bed and baked.  I like that shit… and it’s Julia Fucking Child… so I twisted her recipe up…. and put it in my pipe…. and smoked it.  Twice.   

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……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 eggplant (or 2-3 Japanese eggplants if your lucky enough to find them)
  • 1 short fat zucchinis
  • 1 short fat yellow squash
  • 1 skinny long red bell pepper
  • 2-3 large baby bella shrooms
  • thyme
  • red pepper flakes

……saucy:

  • 1 whole Roasted red pepper (do this before in the oven with EVOO and have it skinned & ready)
  • 1/2 large yellow onion – chopped
  • 2 whole roasted garlic cloves
  • 1 box of tomato chunks or 2-3 medium vine ripe tomatoes (cans of tomatoes are bad for you…. see here why: canned tomatoes are bad mmkay?
  • herbs de province
  • Himalayan pink salt
  • EVOO – I still love this brand –Texas Hill Country Olive Oil

……optional (but suggested):

  • goat cheese crumbles
  • 1-2 cups precooked couscous (I prefer the large pearls)
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Ratatouille with cous cous

……the sauce magic:

  1. blend chopped onion, tomato, roasted pepper, garlic, herbs, oil and salt in a food processor until it is thick and drinkable. (now would be a great time for a bloody mary!)
  2. pour this bloody sauce into any large dish, like a 9X13 or a round, or a tart dish…what ever you got…. I used my favorite dish. See here:…cazuela’s fucking rock

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……the veggie magic:

  1. preheat oven to 375*
  2. slice all veggies thin  You can use a mandoline slicer but I quit using mine due to loosing my muthafuckn finger tips occasionally. (I may or may not have been drinking). My swashbuckling skills are better than that stupid contraption anyhow.   Make these slices about 1/4 of an inch. Too thin and they fall apart, too thick and they don’t cook. The eggplant can be thinner because its so damn chewy.
  3. start a circle or spiral layering process from the outside in. I like to start with eggplant (because its stronger and bigger )then, zucchini, then squash, then red bell, then mushroom.
  4. top that shit with thyme, drizzle with EVOO and cover it with foil  or parchment  paper.
  5. bake this badassery for about 45-55 min. I like mine more crunchy and not falling apart, savy?
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Ratatouille MY way

Now the French pirate in me likes to scoop some of this onto a plate of soft couscous pearls and top it with creamy goat cheese and have it with a velvety sweet red wine…… but the first mate says shredded gouda is better. lol. This stuff does not stay in the fridge…I have to make two usually. It’s that fucking good. Pardon my French but….  Bon Appetit mutha fuckas.  Try new things every day, you might be surprised! 

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