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Category Archives: A pirates life for me!

Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Do you wanna look like a fucking dessert pro? How about an easy dessert to put into tiny cups for a party or event? I gotcha covered. May I present to you….. Cheese cake pannacotta with a dragon fruit yogurt compote. This is as simple as making a fruit sauce and jello…so don’t be lily liver’d about trying it. The flavors of these two layers together are perfectly balanced and it makes you look fancy as fuck when you layer them right. I had a hard time finding good quality dragon fruit this week.. some were mushy and weird. Every time I finally find some and they aren’t where I put them in the kitchen…im like:

I like the purple/pink meated fruits more because they are sweeter but all I found was the white ones so I added some pomegranate juice to make it magenta like it should be. Dragon fruit / Pitaya fruit is the fruit of several cactus species from places my broke ass will never get to sail to… like Thailand. It’s not too sweet, kinda like a kiwi but still great for dessert. Every once in a while the Captain gets a sweet tooth. I also have an unquenchable thirst for more culinary knowledge so I am always trying new things. I’m just trying to make tasty AF food while still making better choices and anytime you can find a way to stuff your rotting carcass with more fruit and veggies is good right? 

.……..in-greed-ients on the bottom (the taker):

  • 3 cups cream (oh yeah)
  • 1/2 of a 3 oz packet sugar free cheesecake jello
  • 1 tsp, vanilla essence
  • 1/3 cup sugar (or more if you want)
  • 2½ tsp, plain gelatin
  • 4 tbsp, water

……….in-greed-ients on top (the giver):

  • 1/3 cup, sugar
  • 1 whole lemon juice
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • ¼ cup, water
  • 1 dragon fruit, chopped – leave a slice or two for garnish
  • if you have white dragon fruit you need some thing pink…..Example: food coloring, pomegranate juice, beet juice
  • the rest of the plain gelatin pack (should be a tsp or so) 
  • 3 tsp water
  • 1 cup (honey or coconut noosa is awesome) yogurt
  • ½ cup, milk

……the giggly pink magic:

  1. In a pan, combine the first 6 ingredients mentioned for the Dragon fruit yogurt compote and cook till it reaches a thick saucey consistency.
  2. Take it off the heat and keep it aside.  Allow it to cool
  3. Sprinkle gelatin over the water in a small bowl and keep it aside for 5 mins.  Allow it to bloom.
  4. add yogurt and milk with the gelatin and whisk until combined well.
  5. Add dragon fruit compote to the yogurt mix and whisk well.  Put it in the fridge to let it congeal into a creepy consistency.

……..the cheesecake magic:

  1. add gelatin to water in a bowl, whisk and let bloom.
  2. In a sauce pan, add cream, vanilla essence and sugar.  Cook until it gets to a slow boil.  Do not overheat it.
  3. Remove from heat and add it to the gelatin mixture and whisk it nicely till the gelatin dissolves
  4. add cheesecake jello and whisk.
  5. Pour this white sauce in goblets or shot glasses. If you prefer to give it an angle effect, place the glasses tilted in a muffin pan or a dish with sides and a towel, and pour the mixture into the glasses.
  6. Refrigerate till set. maybe a few hours, maybe all night long.. who knows. 
  1. when that layer is firm, add pink giggly stuff to the top with a spoon, add a dragon fruit slice as garnish and AVAST YE! So it be done!

 

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Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

Sausage & Purple Cabbage Strata!

I am calling this a “sausage and purple cabbage strata” because the star is really the purple cabbage.. but the meat is muy importante to me as well. The most common modern variant is a brunch dish similar to a quiche or a frittata. So when making a strata, the only components you really have to have is stale bread, eggs, milk, cheese and some type of other shit. Really doesn’t matter what… but the best things that go in them are things like kale, shrooms, onions, bell peppers, fontina, mozzerella, parmesan, cabbage, chard, tomatoes and meat (old, new, ground, chunked, whatever..).The usual preparation requires the bread to be layered with the filling on top in order to produce layers. This pirate wench loves making strata’s… I put them in my category of “Dirty Pirate Hooker” meals. This eloquently named category is based upon the 5 qualifications:

  1. must be easy as fuck
  2. must be able to stick almost anything into them
  3. must be relatively cheap
  4. must be satisfying
  5. must serve a whole crew

I have made this many times but I believe this one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I have won the battle against hunger with every bite. If you know how to use an oven and a stove this should not take long to prepare… but I will explain my process in detail anyway. So don’t get discouraged by the lengthy directions….it really is easy. Also it’s best to make the night before and just pop it in the oven in the morning before the lazies get up…. and in 45 min, you are the victor!

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…….in-greed-ients:

  • 1 pound breakfast sausage

    secret ingredient

    secret ingredient

  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup french onion dip –SECRET INGREDIENT 
  • 3-4 small french bread loaves, cubed
  • 2 1/2 cups shredded gruyere cheese
  • 3-4 baby bella shrooms – sliced
  • 1/2 yellow onion- chunky
  • 1-2 leeks 
  • 1/3 head purple cabbage
  • truffle oil
  • EVOO
  • garlic cloves
  • chipolte seasoning, himalayan salt and pink peppercorn & spicy everything seasoning from –FlavorGod

First things first.. the purple cabbage is like gold in this dish and must be treated like royalty. So, slice that purple head in disks and bathe the disks in truffle oil… along with the garlic cloves and leeks…cleaned properly here-leek prep.  If you don’t know how to peel garlic like a pro.. get this:easy as fuck garlic peeler.  I love truffle oil.  It’s my fav condiment besides hot sauce.

……Roasting magic:

  • Heat that oven to 400* and shove in the veggies- prepared, lathered & seasoned with all 3 seasonings from above
  • Pre warning, this roasting period is torture…you can smell it but you cant touch it… for about 40-45 minutes. You might want to take the leeks and garlic out at 20-25 min and leave the cabbage to finish sun tanning. Nobody likes burned garlic.
  • whilst you wait… butter the bottoms of your dishes of choice, I like my clay Cazuela, casserole dishes and pie dishes, but a 9X13 or 2 smaller ones will do.
  • cut the stale bread into cubes. Why stale? Because it helps soak the egg & cream mix without it getting soggy! When i say stale, I don’t mean hard and crusty.. these are not meant to be like hard tack…. just a little “un fresh”.
  • pour some EVOO into a large pan and brown the yellow onions
  • add sausage to pan, add seasoning and cook until done
  • add mushrooms last so they stay firm…just a minute or two more… then take off heat
  • the cabbage is done so chop the leeks and cabbage into large chunks and set aside.
  • mix eggs, milk, cream, dip, 2 cups of cheese and seasoning in a bowl and whisk it like you mean it.How to whisk like you mean it  here is a great video if you actually give a shit about learning stuff. Which I do.

……let’s layer this baby:

  1. (butter) bread cubes
  2. meat & shroom mix
  3. cabbage, garlic clove & leek mix
  4. creamy egg mix – poor it all over and watch it sink in.
  5. Cover it and cool it. Put these dishes in the fridge over night.

Next morning: bake that son of hooker at 350* for 45 min… top with the rest of the shredded cheese and serve it to the starving ungrateful masses. 

It’s just science.. that on this ship, he may have better hair than me, but I have more talent in my little finger.  Here’s to dirty pirate hookers! Huzzah!

 

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White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

White BBQ Sauce & Drummettes

The deck hand (my minion) loooooves grilled chicken, so when he found some little drumsticks on sale he insisted that we cook’em up! I had been wanting to try the “white BBQ” sauce that is all over the interwebs lately. Supposedly, it’s an Alabama created recipe. I love a good southern meal as much as the next gal, but like everything, it’s only good for you in moderation. So I hopped on the pinterest current and sure enough there are a few variations…..and like always, I added my own twists… and mine is better. ARRRGH! Just kiddding… or am I?  When he wants to pick out dinner it usually includes raw spinach or corn… those are really the only two veggies he enjoys eating. Fuckit, that’s better than some kids right? So we grilled up some husk-on corn and slathered it with pesto and parmesan… oh man… talk about a mouthgasm! This shit was quick, easy, and mouthy pleasey…….find out how:

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……..sauce in-greed-ients:

  • 1/2 cup miracle whip miracle whip is better than mayo because of 2 things. 1. there is more seasoning in miracle whip 2. there is a little less oil content than mayo. See here what the difference is:Miracle whip is like…  HA! just kidding.. actually:The great debate
  • 1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
  • 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 2 tsp prepared horseradish
  • 2 tbsp chipotle mustard
  • ground black pepper
  • 1 tsp smokey artisan salt
  • cayenne powder
  • chipotle powder 
  • 4 garlic cloves minced

You need to prepare the white bbq sauce the day before you cook this grub. It needs to “marry” and get it on… in the privacy of your fridge over night…if you get my drift. So whip all of the ingredients in a mixing bowl and stick it in a container with a lid in the fridge and let the magic happen.

……..other in-greed-ients:

  • chicken drummettes – how ever many your little heart desires
  • corn in husk – as many as your belly can hold
  • garlic powder
  • salt
  • pepper
  • garlic butter
  • pesto
  • parmesan

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……….the magic:

  1. soak corn as is… in a giant something of water… for at least an hour.
  2. make sure drummettes are thaw, and pat them dry
  3. heat grill to 450
  4. coat the chicken in garlic powder, salt & pepper.
  5. pull husk back on corn, remove silk
  6. slather corn in garlic butter…..like a pro6a00d83451b8c369e200e54f5abbcd8833-800wi
  7. wrap husk back around corn
  8. grill corn and chicken together, on grates, flipping every 7 min.
  9. baste chicken with WHITE BBQ sauce last few minutes
  10. cook chicken to internal temp of 185
  11. cook corn for 20 -30 min
  12. cover chicken with foil and let rest for 10 min.
  13. peel back husk and paste pesto all over corn
  14. sprinkle corn with parmesan
  15. get out that white sauce and get ready to pour, dip, and lick. 
 

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Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Yesterday was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY!  As if Americans needed a reason to celebrate Ice Cream. I’m not too much of a fan of the sweets but my crew sure is. Hence, the minion and I created a savory sweet treat to stick in their mutinous face holes.  I have always wanted to try lavender ice cream, but I never thought to use ricotta too! Then I saw Giada De Laurentiis do it and it looked sexy as fuck.  I thought it would be more time consuming than it was… but then I remembered… I HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING ICE CREAM MACHINE! Huzzah! So I dug out the Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker and we had an accord. I found several recipes for lavender ice cream but I always end up making my own version anyway…would you like to see it… well, here it is: 

……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 drops of Doterra LAVENDER essential oil (it’s cheaper if purchased through a sales rep…like myself)
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1 can sweetened condensed milk (lick spoon now)
  • 1/2 tsp of salt
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream
  • 1/2 cup ricotta
  • electric purple food coloring- depends on how purple you want it

……..Creamy magic:

  1. Must have ice cream maker “ice pot” in the freezer for at least 24 hours prior to making ice cream
  2. mix first 5 ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat with electric mixer for 2 min
  3. add next 3 ingredients and….
  4. whip it, whip it good
  5. pour the mixture into the pot and place the churn tool in and put the lid on. Flip the switch and watch your creation come to life in 20-30 min. –

This creamy badassery gets more solid the longer it is in the freezer so if it is still a little soft serve-y just pop the “ice pot” in the freezer with cling wrap over it, for a few. Everyone has there spoon in my pot today, I can’t blame them. Even I am indulging… right after breakfast… I needed a hit. SOMEONE lost my fancy schmancy ice cream scooper so a mellon baller makes cute little balls just fine. I placed my ice cream on top of a warm chia cinnamon pancake and sprinkled it with coconut shavings and chia seeds….. because cones are for kids. I am a grown ass wench and have pallet needs that have surpassed my crews.  So get creative and make it your own! Savy?!

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Taco Frito Empanadas!

Taco Frito Empanadas!

Why Yes, I do like to theme cook! I theme dress, theme drink and theme party, why not theme cook too? On Tuesdays we TACO…..or some version of something “taco like”.  I serve Mexican beer or we take tequila shots and sometimes I wear my tiny sombrero. Its mucho adorkable. This week I made taco empanadas with fritos and ranch beans…..and it was a bitchin success! I made 6 and it fed 3 with 2 for the first mate to take to work the next day. This shit was so easy… even a white girl can do it! Most empanadas are of Latin origin, have a pastry shell, and either a savory or a sweet filling. As you know, I am a savory wench. A lot of empanada recipes have cheese inside it.. I don’t like to do that because when reheating them, the cheese gets fucking weird. So I made a chipotle queso sauce to smother these fuckers with. Also, no taco type substance is complete without an avocado element. Hence, HOLY GUACAMOLE! (not included in this post) The minion was all “I don’t like the yellow things” and I was all…”suck it up and eat it or starve!”  Long story long… the crew didn’t starve, and will survive to fight another day thanks to Captain D’kay and her taco frito empanadas!

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……in-greed-ients:

  • 2 thawed pie pastrys (comes with two per box usually)
  • some flour – to keep things from getting sticky
  • 1/2 lb lean ground beef
  • 1/2 can rotel with chilies
  • 1/2 can golden hominy
  • 1/4 diced white onion
  • some minced garlic
  • 1/2 cup fritos- crushed (like when chang crushes fritos in OITNB…if you have seen that one)
  • taco seasoning mix-powder
  • 2 green jalepenos – diced and deseeded 
  • 1 can RANCH BEANS – that’s right.. because this is MY WAY damnit! 
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp taco sauce

…….Dama El Grande Queso!:

  • 1/2 cup sharp cheddar
  • 1/2 cup monterey jack 
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 tbsp flour
  • smoked chipotle powder
  • garlic powder

…… Taco magic: 

  1. pour evoo in a large deep pan
  2. brown onions for 2 minutes then add garlic
  3. add beef and taco seasoning – brown
  4. add rotel and hominy
  5. smash ranch beans in a bowl with a potato masher- HULK SMASH!
  6. a round of tequila shots for you, yourself and your other hand.  You deserve it!
  7. roll out pie dough on floured surface
  8. cut out rounds as big as your hand (makes about 6 depending on your size- I put my hand down and make a circle around it with my blade)
  9. press scraps together and make more rounds – it’s easy if you try.
  10. spoon some beans onto the middle of each round
  11. spoon some beef mix onto the middle of each round
  12. top with some crushed fritos 
  13. fold over and press down on sides with fingers
  14. fork around the edges to seal
  15. pour some taco sauce in a small bowl and whisk with egg- it gives the crust a shiny brown finish. 
  16. egg wash the whole thing with a brush
  17. poke some holes to release pressure with a fork
  18. I like to make shapes with the left over dough and stick them on with egg wash… like hearts, stars, and skulls like this one that is in the mail on it’s way to me. It will be mine!… skull cookie cutter
  19. bake these beaners for about 15 – 20 min depending on how golden you like them. I like my crispy and brown
  20. take a shot of Tequila!

………cheesy magic: 

  1. heat butter in a small sauce pot
  2. add flour to make a paste
  3. whisk in milk
  4. add cheese 
  5. add chipotle and garlic seasoning
  6. bathe your tongue in this cheesy goodness! Drench the empanadas with this golden love sauce. 

…..Holy Guacamole! 

This, I must divulge in another post… can’t give away all my secrets in one day!  You can either make your own or buy some store crap until then….Tequila Shot! Drink up me hearties yo ho! 

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Me with my Tiny Sombrero

 

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PIZZA BUNDT!

PIZZA BUNDT!

Holy pepperoni batman! Thank the gods for pizza bundt cake! The crew had been begging for something bad… something so bad it’s good. I can’t lie… I had the itch too.  I had heard of such a thing before, but never had I been privy to such a tasty mouthful of desire before. I’m literally drooling whilst writing about it. Maybe I will have that last tiny slice in the fridge real quick…..IMG_1095

OK, now I can continue. The first mate finally (after I tortured him and threatened the plank) decided to grace me with his presence in the skullery. I loved that he got his hands dirty… dirty with pizza juices!  This was so simple and perfect for a Friday night for our Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.  I don’t usually like to slave away on Friday nights but, I’m currently poor and still hungry. Hence… PIZZA BUNDT is amazeballs.  Especially when its drunk drizzled with a zesty pizza sauce.  Also, I did everything the lazy way.. no organic or home made shit in this recipe. Sometimes you gotta let loose and eat junk. We are fat and happy today. You should be too. Huzzah!

……..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 Cans of rolled Pizza Dough
  • 2 cups Mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • a healthy hand full of a really good Italian seasoning
  • a few fresh basil leaves chopped small
  • ⅓ cup EVOO
  • 1 – 8 oz package of teeny mini pepperoni (turkeyroni will work too)
  • a few spoonfulls of fresh minced garlic
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of  drained pineapple chunks
  • OPTIONAL but suggested because it’s tasty as fuck: 1 small can of drained sliced black olives
  • 1 small jar of zesty pizza sauce

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………PIZZA magic:

  1. preheat oven to 350
  2. chop dough in to slices then quarters
  3. mix all this shit ACCEPT the sauce, in a large bowl….toss it and floss it. Use your hands…..it’s more fun.  
  4. put it all in to a sprayed bundt pan
  5. bake uncovered for about 25-30 minutes
  6. plop it on a plate, serving tray, and cover with sauce (it’s like pizza icing)
  7. sprinkle with more parm
  8. slice and stuff it in your face

Pizza bundt

Pizza bundt

 

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Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

Black Sheep Shepherds Pie!

I’m a little Scottish, a little Polish, a little Oklahoma Indian mix and some other stuff so I am truly an American MUTT.   I am definitely a savory person so I always veer back to earthy foods traditionally found in England, Scotland, Ireland…ect. So, I was looking at these left over mashed potatoes in the fridge and some bison meat and wondering what I could do with them…… AVAST YE!!!! Shepherds pie! Alas, I had sadly never made one before.  SO, I hopped on Pinterest to troll for ideas and none of them seemed fancy enough for me. As you may have picked up, I like to be different…it’s kind of my thing.  I’ve also never been great at being the black sheep that everyone tried to make me out to be.  I’m more like a shepherd of the black sheep… a leader of rejects and awesomely weird fuckers and party people.  I won’t follow you when you jump off the bridge but I will drive you there,  take pictures.. and then I’ll take your dumb ass to the hospital after you break a leg.  I do what I want, not what others are doing… unless I want to… but I like to break a rule or two. Savy?  Which led me to taking out the fucking peas (stupid ingredient) and adding shrooms.. because they’re fucking awesome. I used bison instead of lamb or beef, and leeks instead of celery, hominy instead of corn, added lentils, and some other minor alterations.  Boy I’ll tell you what.. it was the bomb nom in my mouth! The minion ate 2 portions, the first mate ate two portions… and I had to wrap it up for the neighbors to try before I had 3 portions. As a modern pirate, I may take what I want, but I always give something back…and I always keep my accords.   IMG_1033

……in-greed-ients:

  • 1 lb ground bison
  •  some EVOO
  •  5 shallots
  •  3-4 cloves of garlic, finely minced with that rad garlic thing I keep showing you….French garlic mincer plate
  • powdered garlic too. Can never have enough garlic.
  •  a handful of baby carrots.. the skinny small ones, chopped chunky
  •  2 stalks of leeks, washed well and sliced in rounds
  •  5-6 baby Portobello shrooms sliced only
  • 1 can of white or yellow hominy… I like the white ones.
  • 1/2 can of lentils – for a more earthy badass meat base
  •  1 packet French onion soup mix 
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce (its just more zesty than tomato paste)
  • powdered thyme
  • turmeric
  • rosemary sprigs
  •  4-5 medium potatoes, skinned & boiled. (I’m assuming you don’t already have left over mashed potatoes but if you do… awesome. Use that shit.
  •  3 tbsp butter
  •  2/3 cup greek yogurt (instead of cream… because I try to be better…lol)
  • 1 cup shredded parmesan
  •  ground Himalayan pink Salt & ground Pepper
  •  1 egg (for egg wash)

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…….Shepherd Magic:

  1.  Heat some olive oil in a deep pan.
  2. Toss in the sliced shallots and garlic & sautee till it turns soft and translucent.
  3. Add the bison and cook till almost brown
  4. Once the meat is browned season the meat well with French onion soup mix and add pizza sauce. Add Lentils and stir well.
  5. Then put a lid on, lower the heat and let the sauce simmer for 10 minutes or so while you prepare the other stuffs.
  6. Peel, cut and boil the potatoes in well salted water. Then drain them and toss them in a mixing bowl.
  7. Start assembling the dish, spoon the ground beef mix in the bottom of a casserole dish, or small oven proof individual serving dishes. I used both a large dish and some ramekins as well.. for the minion and neighbors.
  8. Clean large deep pan and once again put olive oil in it.
  9. add leeks and carrots and more garlic. sautee until carrots are medium soft.
  10. you can mash potatoes now, Add the butter, parmesan, yogurt and some garlic powder to them while still hot and mash them with a potato masher. The fluffier the better. Still firm… but like clouds. Season it with salt and pepper.
  11. add shrooms and canned (rinsed) hominy, turmeric, thyme & salt  to veggies and sautee for a few more minutes.
  12. Whilst waiting for the veggies to cook, spoon them taters into a piping device (because we like to be fancy as fuck).
  13. Now lay the second layer. The veggies.. THE REASON FOR THIS: is not every one likes veggies.. like my minion and my weird neighbor.. my dad… other weird people. SO you can leave this step out for them (see below). Also, it looks cooler to have layers. layers are the gods damned pretty.
  14. Now pipe 1 or two layers of mashed potato flowers (my way is cooler than just fork lines) all  over the top. If you suck and you have to spoon it, flatten it a little over the top and with a fork make some lines on top…. the ridges are what will brown and form a nice crust.
  15. very very Lightly brush a little egg wash (an egg beaten with a teaspoon of water) on the ridges of the mashed potatoes. Pop it into the oven at 400F for around 10-15 minutes.
  16. Then stick them under the broiler for another few minutes (4-5) until the mashed potato topping froms a nice golden brown crust.
  17. Garnish with some fresh rosemary

I love this black sheep shepherds pie so much it’s actually getting printed and shoved into the real life Captains go to recipe book. I really hope someone tries this and comments their results and opinion. If not, fuckit…. I’ll be making it again and again anyway.  My ass looking forward to running more to eat more of this. What ever cardio I can get…even if it is rolling down a hill fast.

 

 

 

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