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Category Archives: A pirates life for me!

KETO: Fried Guac Deviled Eggs!

KETO: Fried Guac Deviled Eggs!

The devil made me do it!!! JK. But seriously, no matter what religion or spirituality you may believe in, EVERYONE can enjoy a deviled egg. Possessed with mayo or blessed with mustard.. there is NO wrong way to top them.  I’ve been on the #bringbackthedeviledegg band wagon ever since some friends and I realized that they have become less popular as party dishes over the last couple of decades and that most people only enjoy them in the spring.  Deviled eggs in all of their decadence, should be celebrated year round, all colors and shapes, topped with weird stuff or normal stuff.  JUST MAKE SOME and give them to your neighbors, have them because its thursday!  Since Easter is my third favorite food holiday after thanksglutony and Christmasscarfing,  of course I make a big deal of it.  I usually have an Easter crawfish boil with all of the scurvy crew…totally a southern norm…..then I make us some rum and coconut drank in hollowed out pineapple “mugs”, and I ALWAYS make my FRIED GUAC DEVILED EGGS. I love using the Bravado Spice Co jalepeno garlic seasoning and Hot Line Pepper Products “Garlicky Gringo” for my guac …. it turns this recipes flavor profile up to 11!!  This year I decided to make them the KETO way… since most of my crew have joined in my way of life.  For those of you that are not familiar with the “ketogenic diet” or aren’t keen on ketosis, it still tastes flippin awesome, it’s just less carbs and we all know that carbs are the (tastyAF) debil.  You can totally make these the regular “flour, egg, panko” way.. but I suggest you give this a try, sooner rather than later.  Yeah, I know i’m giving my secrets away…. Take what ye can, give a little back… ;P

Ingreeedients:

  • 3 avocados
  • 12 eggs
  • lime juice
  • 1 small bunch cilantro – Chop it like its hot…
  • 1 cup almond meal
  • 1 cup coconut flour
  • 1 bag (or 1 cup once blitzed) Hot & Spicy Chicharrones
  • 1 cup blitzed parmesan cheese
  • tbsp Jalepeno Garlic seasoning
  • 2-3 tbsp Garlicky Greengo
  • salt / cayenne to taste
  • avocado oil or coconut oil for frying – personal preference (non keto use peanut oil)
  • pickled jalepenos for topping / or what ever topping you like, crunchy pork rinds, parmesan crisps, or pickled red cabbage is good too.

 

 

Instructions……

  1. Boil salted water.  place chicken embryos in and bring to a boil… then turn off the heat and let them sit for 14 min. THIS is crucial to the peeling process. Eggs be some finicky bitches. I use two week old eggs for deviling anywho, somehow they are more mature about the whole thing.
  2.   guac21.jpg
  3. While the ladies bathe… make your “breading bowls”.  Mix the flours together in one large flat bowl/ tupperware. Beat 2 eggs in the next bowl / tupperware. Mix the parm and pork rinds in the last one.  Set them side by side in that order next to a paper towel lined cutting board or sheet pan.
  4. Drain & peel eggs immediately (while hot) in cold water / running water in the pot.
  5. Slice eggs in half and dump 8 yolks into a bowl. Toss the rest of the yolks, set whites aside to dry. 
  6. Slice avocados and pray to the old gods and the new, that they are perfect… nothing is as sexy as a ripe one.
  7. Slice your avocado in half
  8. Dump avocados in the yolk bowl add all seasoning, some lime juice, cilantro, the awesome sauce and !Mash it up!   (enjoy song whilst cooking)
  9. Load that shit into a piping bag and fridge it. The lime juice should keep it from browning for a while.  Tits crossed. 
  10. guacamole
  11. Heat your deep fryer (or deep pan with lots of oil) to about 350°F. If you don’t have a cooking thermometer, stick a wooden spoon into the oil when it’s been heating for about 7-8 minutes. If bubbles come up from the depth, your oil is hot enough for deep frying!
  12. Coat each egg half in the “flour” mix, then the egg wash, then the parm & pork rinds mix.  Using one hand for wet and one hand for dry keeps it less ridiculous.  Example: dry hand dredges it with the flour, drops it in the egg, then the wet hand takes out of the egg and the dry hand then puts it in the parm & pork rinds then on to a paper towel lined pan. Instructional video for your viewing pleasure. 
  13. Carefully lower each coated egg half into the deep fryer (or pan) to avoid splashing. It will hurt! I mean…unless you like that sort of pain… then splash away. 😉
  14. Allow each piece to fry  until a light brown. It shouldn’t take long at all.  Take them out and place them on that paper towel lined thing again.
  15. guac3
  16. Finally!! It’s time to lay some pipe! Get that piping bag full of avocado yolk goodness and squeeze away. Make it purty, it will taste better. Top it with what ever you want.. be weird with it.  
  17. Share with friends, they wont last long… so here’s a tip:  A savvy pirate always hides a bit of treasure for themselves. 

deviled eggs

Here’s a weird ass Easter video. Don’t say I never gave you nothin. 

DEVILED EGGS RULE! 

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Craig the Crawfish says…. AAAARRRGGG this be my guac, Do you even sauce bro?!! Well do ya? 

PS>>left over “filling” doubles as a badass chip dip. It ain’t a party until someone brings the guacamole.

 

 

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LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

LOW CARB TOAD ROLLS

By Galumpkis, shes done it!  Whether you are in ketosis and trying to hold steady or you’re sailing the lazy keto ship like this broad, or maybe you just fancy making better choices in life… you’re going to have to have serious will power to not eat more than a serving of these savory treasures. My crew devours these like savages and its fine by me… because little do they know, they’ve been hoodwinked! HEARYE: No spuds were harmed in the making of these rolls. When its cold outside and the meal prep must be done, pull yer lazy bones up by the bootstraps and get’er done. It’s not always what you want to be doing on a Sunday (or Monday in my case) but it will save you precious time and money for other important things… like binge watching Black Sails or Shameless.  I call these cabbage rolls, TOADS because they look like toads, duh, and also because the secret ingredient is GOLDEN TOAD SAUCE this recipe uses their Habanero Pepper Sauce.  So before you can swear allegiance to the “I DON’T DO SPICY” clan, this stuff is NOT going to burn your face off, or your ass. The subtle yet distinct flavor of this sauce perfectly compliments Italian sausage IMO. You’ll most likely be thanking me later, I accept brief hugs, stickers, rum, and brunch gift cards as thanks. FYI.  I swear  that these cabbage rolls are the easiest damned things to make but some folks don’t believe me so here’s the skinny…. that’s a pun y’all.. since these delicious AF little toads are SO LOW CARB!

BEWARE: DO NOT LICK ACTUAL TOADS. DO HOWEVER LICK THESE TOAD ROLLS

Prep Time:15 mins

Cook Time:6 hrs
 

Servings: 6

9.4 carbs / 5.9 net carbs per serving  – 140 calories – 7 sugars

INGREEDIENTS………

  • 1 head of cabbage (about 1 pound)
  • 1/2 pound of  mild (or spicy) italian ground beef / sausage
  • 1/4 cup parsley – blitzed
  • 1/4 cup onion – chopped
  • 2 cups of raw cauliflower –riced (messy as all hell but worth its weight in gold)
  • 1 egg.. just one lonely ovo
  • a few dashes of worchestershire.. worstesher.. worcheshure…wtf ever.. you get it.
  • salt and pepper or what ever seasonings you cant live without (I use my blends)
  • 6 fresh slices of mozzarella for topping / optional but necessary IMO
  • a giant elephant garlic clove like this…Elephant garlic is actually in the leek family
  • a whole dang jar of low carb tomato sauce like this one…Raos tomato sauce
  • a few dashes (or a few swigs) of Golden toad – Habanero Pepper Sauce

 

If you don’t have access to riced cauliflower, just whip up your own! It will look like a snow man murder scene in your kitchen, but its actually better.  A large head, blitzed real fine is  fresh as fuuuu and makes enough cauli-snow for other low carb meals for the week… and you can freeeeze this snow as well. Yes I did.

Lets do this…… 

    1. Core the cabbage and pull off the first layer of outer leaves.
    2. Place in a large pot with about 2 inches of boiling water…
    3. Let cabbage steam (or let it scream like a mandrake in a hot bath) until the leaves pull off easily and are very pliable without being mushy.. ew.
    4. Let cool… this is OBVIOUS but you’d be surprised how many land lubbin foggy headed home cooks (myself included) have burned themselves with hot cabbage.
    5. IF YOU WERE NOT LAZY and you bought an UNPROCESSED head of cauliflower then Process cauliflower in food processor until it is finely chopped, about the size of rice.
    6. Set aside. Take a shot, or clean up your prep station, you know you’ve made a mess.
    7. Cook the italian ground beef with the onion, add elephant garlic
    8. Drain well. Add salt and pepper, seasonings, and that tasty AF golden toad sauce!
    9. Dump in that parsley,  and raw cauliflower
    10. Beat an egg (I condone egg violence) and mix it all well. This will help the filling stick together.
    11. Lay a cabbage leaf flat on the counter. Slash the bottom vein to make it fold (behave) bette
    1. 12. Add a tablespoon or so of the meat mixture to the cabbage and roll up, tucking the ends…. not like this…

TUCK AND ROLL FAIL

    13. Repeat with all of the cabbage leaves that are big enough.
    14. Add about 1/4 cup of the RAOs sauce to the bottom of a slow cooker.
    15. Lay the rolls in the slow cooker…all nice and pretty like.
    16. Smother with the remaining sauce…yea smear it all over.
    17. Cook on low for 4-6 hours or cover & cook in the oven at 350F for an hour.

 

     Now its time for a dance break.. do you remember the Cabbage patch?
     Wow.. that was tough to watch. Hes got scurvy or something.

Now top these hot suckers with mozz slices right before plating, or load up those BPA free meal prep containers and heat up them up when your ready to scarf. The horizon is the limit… never settle for boring just to get healthy. YOU CAN HAVE BOTH! Saving the planet one tongue at a time! #playwithyourfood #makebetterchoices #doyouevensaucebro

TOAD12

 

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EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

EMU EGG SHAKSHUKA

I am not a traditional wench, as you may have noticed. So when I get an idea to do a “traditional dish” from some other country or region, I’m probably going to twist it up, and do it my way… and this system works for me.  Some people get offended that I don’t follow recipes and I change theirs… but I’m already over this “offended” period of the 2000’s.  Get over it. It’s adventure time! So if you are an adventurous eater / cook.. then you and me should be friends. I am always looking for a new thing to try.. an new hot sauce to use and a new way to do things. This weeks #doyouevensaucebro hot sauce company spotlight is on Voodoo Chile Sauces and their Bhuty Thyme tomato based hot sauce! It tastes like grandmas cookin… if your grandma is a spicy as mine. Speaking of traditional… I LOOOOOVE cast iron especially my passed down LODGE cast iron.  The pirate in me wants to cook everything in a perfectly seasoned IRON pan… dutch oven or skillet. So when I received this deliciously interesting EMU EGG (among many other awesome things shown below) from a local Emu farm (I support buying local when ever possible), I knew I was going to do something with it in my cast iron skillet. There’s something very paleolithic about these ginormous eggs… I fucking lub them.  I had been wanting to make a Shakshuka again for a while… this was it… THANKSGIVING WEEK, the perfect chance to make a dish meant for sharing with others. So I invited the crew over and we grubbed for dinner / neighborsgiving.  So what if it wasn’t for breakfast, I break the rules! You should too.. follow along mates.. here’s the skinny:

 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 8 oz Chorizo, squish that shit into the LARGE cast iron and fuck it up with a wooden spoon
  • 1Tsp oilve oil
  • 1 small sweet onion, diced
  • 1 small red pepper,  diced – a small jar of roasted red peppers works great too
  • 1 small bulb garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup sherry
  • 1 can diced tomatoes, chopped & not drained (I also used some jarred golden tomatoes from the emu farm and split this part)
  • 1 can drained chickpeas
  • 2 baby bella mushrooms -sliced 
  • 2tsp brown sugar
  • 1tsp smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 1 tsp mexican oregano
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • a couple of splashes of hot sauce – I like it hot so mo is betta- BHUTY THYME (clickit)
  • 1 emu egg, but I know yall ain’t gonna get one so… 4 – 6 free-range eggs
  • 1 cup feta.. crumbly, salty and awesome
  • fresh culantro  / also called shado beni, (a stronger cilantro falvor) leaves to garnish 
  • half an avocado for garnish 
  • toasted NAAN is my choice of dipping bread.. but you do what you want.

 

…….. shake that shuka:

  1. Heat a large CAST IRON skillet and fry the chorizo until the oils start releasing and the meat browns. Remove the sausage and put baby in a corner for a bit.
  2. Add the olive oil to the pan of orange oil and gently fry the onion for about 3 minutes until softened. Add the red pepper and garlic & continue to fry for a further 2 or so minutes until they too are softened. Return the chorizo to the pan and briefly fry.
  3. Add the sherry and allow the liquid to (mostly) cook off.
  4. Add the tomatoes w liquid, sugar, chickpeas, shrooms, seasonings, and adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper if your feeling fiesty… Allow this to bubble on a gentle heat for about 20 minutes. This is where you have a shot and a dance break. SSSSHHHAka khan – tell me somethin good!
  5. Now, if you are adventurous and you’ve gotten an emu egg, you will need to dremel it open.. it’s kind of like brain surgery.  Easy peasy, right. Then gently pour the egg into a buttered frying pan & fry your emu egg until the white is almost done, then gently transfer it to the top of the shakshuka to finish poaching in the sauces. My asshole egg yolk popped but.. it’s actually ok because this much runny yolk would have grossed out my neighbors whom I was sharing this with.  Check out my shitty vid of my dremel vs emu egg action. 

     

  6. but.. if you didn’t get an emu egg, just make several indentations in the top of the shakshuka with the back of a ladle and break your eggs into the holes. Mix the egg white around a bit to loosen and spread… and don’t breaking the damned yolk, that’s eggicide and I would just toss the whole damned thing out if the yolks are popped. Just sayin. Here’s my quail egg mini cast iron shakshuka breakfast the next morning…foog
  7. Cook for a further 3 or so minutes and until the egg whites have hardened. If necessary put a lid on your pan to speed up the process.
  8. Scatter plenty of feta over the monstrosity, then the chopped culantro and the lovely avocado.. then scoop it out onto some warm naan, or what ever.  I served mine with a smoked white wine.. but that… is a whole other blog. 🙂 winr

Drink up me hearties…yo ho! 

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…. as you can see, I really love ALL of the Voodoo awesomesauces, even when they are backwards.  IF you think your worthy… Join my FB group: “Do you even sauce bro” and follow me on IG: the_bomb_noms

NOMASTE! 

 

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So Cal Eggs Benedict

So Cal Eggs Benedict

IIII’mmmmm Baaaaack, from a blogging hiatus with a rad brunch dish to share!  Everyone loves a classic Eggs Benedict… but there be no limits when it comes to MY cooking, so I put a SO Cal spin on this one. I recently received a box of awesomesauce from So Cal Hot sauce  and I don’t think I’ve ever reeeally thought about hot sauces categorized by region before.  Sure there are different levels of heat,  salt, texture, sweetness… you can use scorpions, ghosts, reapers, serranos…. you can separate them by season, color, consistency……there is an endless plethora of categories. BUT this sauce definitely tastes like Southern Cali to me so it immediately pleases the Captain that they are true to their name, beit that their slogan is “California inspired, Carolina grown”.  The first one that I played with is the “So Cal Guac Sauce – Hot Avocado.  Y’all know how I feel about avocados…. they are a staple, a necessity, a vitamin and a part of my balanced breakfast and sexy as fuuuuck. The avocado flavor and the consistency of this sauce was too legit so I had to use it IN a sauce… I do love to sauce bro.  Since I enjoy the challenge of making better choices (most of the time)and the healthy hippies in cali love cauliflower…  I opted to make some crispy, slightly cheesy, dill cauliflower waffles instead of the all p0wer full evil BREAD! Mmmmm…bread… any who, If you switch up this recipe up, have fun, do what you wanna.  By all means I’m not the boss of you, BUT, don’t leave out the cauliflower waffle or the “guac sauce” and expect it to be as magical and amazing as mine.  Just sayin.  #brunchlikeyoumeanit

 

……. in-greed-ients:

  • 3/4 cup frozen cauliflower crumbles (thawed and drained)
  • 1 cup low fat Mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • 4 large sprigs dill – chopped
  • 1 large egg, beaten until moral improves
  • 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon pink Himalayan sea salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper (or more cause its awesome)
  • 4 large eggs, drained (I will explain)
  • 4 slices Canadian Bacon eh?
  • 2-3 cups arugula
  • coconut oil for sauteeing 

…… in- the-blender:

…… cookin time:

  1. Get out that dusty old Belgian Waffle Maker if ya got it, and heat to a medium setting. IF not, fuck it, any ol’ waffle maker will do.
  2. In a medium bowl, combine 3/4 cup cauliflower crumbles, 1 cup shredded Mozzarella cheese, chopped dill, 1 beaten in to shape egg, garlic powder, onion powder,salt, freshly cracked black pepper. Mix that shit. SIDE NOTE: I grate fresh cauliflower using my food processor and store the cauliflower crumbles in the freezer. BUT you can just get some frozen cauliflower crumbles. If you use freshly grated cauliflower, add an egg white.

    socal1

    Cauliflower cheese dill mix

  3. Spray the waffle iron and slop that cauliflower mixture EVENLY onto the waffle iron. Close lid and flip over. Cook till brown like a chocolate starfish… that’s when ya know it’s done. 

    socal2

    Cauliflower waffle

  4. DO YOU even sauce bro?  Well ya do now, put the hollandaise stuff in the blender… blend till awesome. Dip your finger in for a taste… tasty as fuck right?!MMMMM! This “guac sauce”  has about 5 calories per serving (tsp) and a medium range of sodium @ 105 mg. The “heat”  is mid range with serranos and habaneros balanced with tomatillos and avocado.  It’s puurrrfecct for a golden creamy hollandaise. 

    socal6

    So Cal Guac Hollandaise

  5. Now make some perfectly poached eggs.  Lay a paper towel out to lay the eggs on, fill your favorite pot about 2-3 inches deep. While waiting for the water to boil, drain the eggs by cracking them into  a fine mesh strainer and allow the watery part of the whites to drain out into a bowl.  The thin part of the egg is not necessary and causes bullshit when trying to poach the eggs. Homey don’t play that. 

    socal3

    Straining the ovos

  6. Slip that drained egg into the GENTLY boiling water…poach one a time. DO NOT SWIRL the water. Because we removed that bullshit part of the egg white there is no need to waste your time swirling the water. Poach for 3 minutes. When it’s ready, use a slotted spoon to gently transfer the eggs to the paper towel plate. Don’t fuck it up!
  7. While the eggs are poaching, quick sear that  Canadian Bacon in a small cast iron skillet. Mmmm bacon. 

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    meeeaattt

  8. Remove them pig discs and toss in the greens.. use a little coconut oil and seasoning of your choice (I use FlavorGod Dynamite Seasoning) for a quick sautee “roll in the hay” and remove before that shit gets gross.
  9. To assemble: Put 1/4 of the cauliflower waffle on a plate, then a spoon of sauteed arugula, topped with that juicy yankee bacon & then 1 poached egg. Now you can drench that shit with guac hollandaise sauce. Garnish with chopped parsley or scallions or what ever you want…it’s all about to be devoured soon anyway.  Make sure you enjoy cutting into that sexy runny yolk, sop it up with that delish cauliflower triangle…now stuff your face hole! 

    socal5

    Before the sauceing

 

Yield: 4 Servings
Prep Time: 15 mins.
Cook time: 10 mins.
Total time: 25 mins

.fullsizerender

                                                                    Drink up me hearties yo ho!

 

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MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

When I get the pleasure of eating something amazeballs you not only get dinner, with me you also get a show.  I am a eat dancer. I can’t help but wiggle and giggle and moan and sing and make derpy faces.  I’m usually bouncing on the booth more than my minion when we go out. I can’t help it. I loooove good food. That does NOT mean that healthy and simple pleases me any less.  All I ever really want is to try everything once.. and also I really want to share my (forcibly if necessary via social networking) findings of how simple it is to eat clean and healthy and to cook that way also. I am occasionally made aware of how annoying it is (for others) to see my constant posts on instagram, facebook, snapchat…ect… regarding my “Mealprep Monday” low calorie, low sodium, high protein weekly meal prepping…but I don’t give a flying fat fuck. I have been trying so hard for at least 3 or 4 years to keep up some kind of healthy weekly eating habits because on most weekends I am a hedonistic, gluttonous food whore. Thusly, my sexy, plump, bod can’t afford to eat like shit during the week.  I am duly trying to inspire others to try new shit, because i’m helpful as fuck. So stop being a lazy askhole (someone who asks for meal prep advice & googles healthy new ideas but never actually does it) and start cooking for yourself and your humans every day. Buy that weird ass fruit, or funky looking veggie, try that spice, and use that immersion blender thingy behind all the pots.  You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t already know. If you have no time, pick one day and make that your meal prep day. If you already do this.. Huzzah to you!  I know I am not alone… just seems that way with all of my evil, fast food eating,  land lubber friends that tempt me….(whom I lub). Aye, I eat at sonic a couple times a year.. when I’m drunk, tater tots are my kryptonite. Aye, spur of the moment queso and margaritas with the wenches, are a gals best friend… but otherwise am a very routine captain and I feel that if you don’t prepare for success you are just preparing for failure… and goonies never say die!

I like to keep it simple for meal prep and then get all fancy and shit for dinner because as i’m sure your thinking it too….

We usually do well with keeping the hunger kraken away when I prepare snacks and lunches only, I can’t meal prep dinners when I am a self proclaimed home cook, I need to experiment and play.  So our routine is a protein shake with spinach and nanas for breakfast, a snack of chicken salad with greek yogurt, lunch, and 2nd snack of raw fruit and veggies, then what ever the fuck my cray dinner plans are. Here is one of my “goto” weekly lunches. It’s my favorite because it’s super healthy and not boring or gross or weird. Even my neighbor that hates brussel sprouts likes this one. Lets do this…

…….in-greed-ients:

  • boneless skinless chicken breasts either 5 or 10 depending on your tax filing status.
  • EVOO
  • a lemon
  • turmeric
  • Flavorgods –Lemon garlic seasoning
  • thyme
  • baby bell peppers – they come in a bag usually – lots of them… sliced into rounds
  • brussel sprouts, like 2 bags of them, shredded, whole, halved.. .whatevs
  • balsamic vinegrette
  • chipotle mustard
  • chili paste – optional of course
  • minced garlic
  • EVOO
  • blackened seasoning
  • quinoa – 1 cup
  • low sodium chicken broth – 2 cups
  • 1 can drained chick peas / garbanzo beans
  • 1/2 can drained low sodium black beans
  • 1/2 can drained golden hominy
  • 1/2 cup pico (tomato, white onion, cilantro, jalepenos in lime juice.. usually find premade stuff and use that)
  • fresh cilantro
  • cumin & onion powder 
  • lime juice
  • EVOO

…….the mealprep magic:

  1. coat thawed poultry boosoms with EVOO, seasonings and top with a lemon slice and juice.
  2. bake chicken on a foil lined pan per instructions.. usually about 400 for 15-25 min depending on thicknessIMG_0553
  3. toss brussels with chipotle mustard, (chili paste optional) balsamic and garlic

    brussels bath

    brussels bath

  4. lay those on a different foil lined pan and bake with chicken.. but these have to bake for about 30-45 minIMG_0568
  5. whilst that is baking, boil your broth and quinoa for 15 minutes. 
  6. open cans and dump all the things (in quinoa section above) into quinoa and mix until you are happy…

    mexican quinoa

    mexican quinoa

  7. sautee bells in EVOO and blackened
  8. toss brussels with bells 
  9. plate that shit up into your finest mismatched tupperware!
  10. Also….I am going to take this time to express how much I love knives… and kitchen gadgets.  Like this here Mezaluna.
cilantro

cilantro

It’s an ancient tool that is used for chopping herbs. Mine was passed down to me and I use it every day. It makes me dance when I use it….and I get happy. Now you can shove off and get happy too!

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Meal Prep Monday

 

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Fridge Pickles!

Fridge Pickles!

Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember.  From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it.  I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise. 

…….Factoids & Graboids:

  • About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States. 
  • Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
  • Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
  • Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
  • During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
  • Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
  • Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
  • As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
  • Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
  • At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket. 
  • Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy! 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 6 Ball Jars
  • large brine making pot
  • about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
  • a shit ton of garlic cloves
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
  • about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
  • Fresh dill weed – a whole package 
  • a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
  • Red pepper flakes
  • ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
  • sriracha
  • Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
  • red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all. 
  • 9 cups of water 
  • 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt

……..Pickle Magic:

  1. Scrub and wash cukes
  2. scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
  3. chop cukes in slices or quarters
  4. boil water and vinegar 
  5. add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
  6. cool the liquid for a little bit
  7. fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill,  a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
  8. put some sliced hot peppers in 2
  9. put some sriracha & ginger in 2
  10. put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2 
  11. stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
  12. pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
  13. put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp 
  14. fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.  
  15. good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge. 

Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now.  You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas,  I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure!  So until then here is a weird  PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!

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Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Dragon Fruit & Cheesecake Pannacotta!

Do you wanna look like a fucking dessert pro? How about an easy dessert to put into tiny cups for a party or event? I gotcha covered. May I present to you….. Cheese cake pannacotta with a dragon fruit yogurt compote. This is as simple as making a fruit sauce and jello…so don’t be lily liver’d about trying it. The flavors of these two layers together are perfectly balanced and it makes you look fancy as fuck when you layer them right. I had a hard time finding good quality dragon fruit this week.. some were mushy and weird. Every time I finally find some and they aren’t where I put them in the kitchen…im like:

I like the purple/pink meated fruits more because they are sweeter but all I found was the white ones so I added some pomegranate juice to make it magenta like it should be. Dragon fruit / Pitaya fruit is the fruit of several cactus species from places my broke ass will never get to sail to… like Thailand. It’s not too sweet, kinda like a kiwi but still great for dessert. Every once in a while the Captain gets a sweet tooth. I also have an unquenchable thirst for more culinary knowledge so I am always trying new things. I’m just trying to make tasty AF food while still making better choices and anytime you can find a way to stuff your rotting carcass with more fruit and veggies is good right? 

.……..in-greed-ients on the bottom (the taker):

  • 3 cups cream (oh yeah)
  • 1/2 of a 3 oz packet sugar free cheesecake jello
  • 1 tsp, vanilla essence
  • 1/3 cup sugar (or more if you want)
  • 2½ tsp, plain gelatin
  • 4 tbsp, water

……….in-greed-ients on top (the giver):

  • 1/3 cup, sugar
  • 1 whole lemon juice
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • ¼ cup, water
  • 1 dragon fruit, chopped – leave a slice or two for garnish
  • if you have white dragon fruit you need some thing pink…..Example: food coloring, pomegranate juice, beet juice
  • the rest of the plain gelatin pack (should be a tsp or so) 
  • 3 tsp water
  • 1 cup (honey or coconut noosa is awesome) yogurt
  • ½ cup, milk

……the giggly pink magic:

  1. In a pan, combine the first 6 ingredients mentioned for the Dragon fruit yogurt compote and cook till it reaches a thick saucey consistency.
  2. Take it off the heat and keep it aside.  Allow it to cool
  3. Sprinkle gelatin over the water in a small bowl and keep it aside for 5 mins.  Allow it to bloom.
  4. add yogurt and milk with the gelatin and whisk until combined well.
  5. Add dragon fruit compote to the yogurt mix and whisk well.  Put it in the fridge to let it congeal into a creepy consistency.

……..the cheesecake magic:

  1. add gelatin to water in a bowl, whisk and let bloom.
  2. In a sauce pan, add cream, vanilla essence and sugar.  Cook until it gets to a slow boil.  Do not overheat it.
  3. Remove from heat and add it to the gelatin mixture and whisk it nicely till the gelatin dissolves
  4. add cheesecake jello and whisk.
  5. Pour this white sauce in goblets or shot glasses. If you prefer to give it an angle effect, place the glasses tilted in a muffin pan or a dish with sides and a towel, and pour the mixture into the glasses.
  6. Refrigerate till set. maybe a few hours, maybe all night long.. who knows. 
  1. when that layer is firm, add pink giggly stuff to the top with a spoon, add a dragon fruit slice as garnish and AVAST YE! So it be done!

 

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