The Bomb Noms

Alright! So it was me that ate all the twix from the Halloween bowl…so what! The first mate ate all the snickers, leaving all of the whoppers and chewy weird crap for the little skurv. Tis the season and shit. I don’t even really dig sweets that much. BUT when one is imbibing the grapes of wrath…one must also occasionally indulge in a chocolate or two. Hence = the need for more provisions. I can’t keep the cupboards stocked with enough sweets for this crew, they eat everything. So, I decided to make something just for me…something that those thieving bilge rats wouldn’t want to sneak. I love all essential oils and I cook with them daily. You don’t have to be cool to use oils, and you don’t have to have oils to make this… just substitute it for orange zest and maybe it won’t suck. BUT if you are one of the lucky ones that has been blessed with an armory full of oils… you will want to make this stuff this season…so, without any further adoooo…. I give you a simple ASFUCK milk chocolate wild orange, cardamom & pomegranate bark!

Illustration of retro girl in pop art style.

First things first…. 11 things you didn’t know about pomegranates these plump beauties are really a bomb ass fruit for you to pig out on during the fall. Lets go over real quick just how to properly cut a pomegranate…. for those of you that keep fucking it up.

Take a sharp paring knife, cut the top out at an angle, it will look kind of like… what are those things called… a Dreidle. Yeah, that’s it. Happy flipping holidays.

Then, make a light slice down the “ribs” of the fruit…there should be 5, like a star.

Now separate them by gently pulling them apart and the center skin and “core” should stay in the middle.

Lastly, turn each section over and whack the back of them with a spoon or your hand to make those sweet rubys pop out. Yes you will have to still use your damn hand.. ..no this is not a magical method… nothing is perfect.

Set your ruby red jewels aside… try not to eat them all while making the chocolate.

Now it’s time to get it on….

………in-greed-ients

1 giant ass pomegranate
1 vanilla bean – these are the bomb-Penzys Madagascar Vanilla Beans
1 bag of bitter sweet or semi sweet dark chocolate morsels
some cardamom – either powdered Penzys powdered or cardamom oil
Orange zest or ….. orange essential oil
some Himalayan pink salt
1/2 cup of heavy cream

………the chocolate magic:

de seed the pom – duh
pour cream into a deep pot
add chocolate
stir constantly on low
add vanilla bean paste
remove from heat when completely melted
slather some hot chocolate all over yourself and make that phone call / snap chat that special someone…..
just kidding…. or am I? Lets get it on…
add cardamom & orange oil / zest
add some of the pom seeds
lay out a sheet of parchment on a cookie sheet (or if you have candy molds those are great too)
pour all that awesome sauce in a circle and maybe 1/4 of an inch thick.
top with more pom seeds
sprinkle with some salt
freeze that shit over night
slice and serve bitches!

Milk Chocolate wild orange, cardapom bark

Crew Favorites, Crock Pot to victory!, Dirty Pirate Hooker Meals, Put it in your mouth, Southern as fuck, Uncategorized

CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER!

November 23, 2015 Cassandra D'Kay

If you have never eaten the “Elotes”, “Elote en Vaso” or “Mexican street corn” at a pop up truck in front of a meat market, out of a truck on the side of the road, or maybe at a festival… you are seriously missing the fucking jam. Corn in a cup is one of my favorite Mexican snacks and if you are from Texas you should get on the damned band wagon with this tastetastic traditional treasure. It’s beginning to look a lot like fall around here (well, as fall as south Texas can look in November) and that means white girls in those classy ugg boots, holiday flavors of coffee addicts unite…. and mufukn CROCK POT season!!! I think I use my crock pot at least once a week from Halloween to Valentines day…. shes my bitch in the kitchen, my BFF.. I call her Gertrude. Now, although Gerti does all the heavy work with chowders, soups, stews, and many other awesome things, It’s up to me to feed her the right shit and treat her right. There’s not many ways to eff up a crock pot meal but I’ve heard tales that it’s possible. So, keep her wet, don’t make her too hot if you are just going to leave her alone all day, and by all means, take your time with her if you want her sweet sweet love. I know I’m not the first Wench to make a corn chowder, but I very well might be the first one to make a CORN IN A CUP CHOWDER WITH CANDIED BACON….. so here goes. Cheers to creatastivity and fall food fusion!

…….in-greed-ients:

about 15-20 red potatoes, scrubbed and chunky cut-not peeled
1 can golden hominy -because hominy is awesome
1 bag of fiesta lime corn
1 med sweet yellow onion
1 cup chopped celery
8 garlic cloves crushed
4 cups veggie stock
1/2 lb bacon
some brown sugar
2 cups heavy cream
Deans –Sriracha Dip
cotija cheese – finely shredded (I couldn’t get any so i used parm)
1 lime
cilantro sauce or sprigs
salt & chili powder – this is the shit-Penzeys Chili powder

……..the chowder magic:

chop all veggies
add all veggies, garlic, corn and stock into the crock
add some cilantro and the salt & chili powder
cook, on high for 5 hours
while you wait…. you could go to work, go jog that ass away, nap, or maybe you should drink some margaritas…it’s never a the wrong time for ritas..or Tequila!
add cream and half of the deans tub… don’t be shy it’s the holidays.
bake those luscious piggie slices with brown sugar on top until its nice and candied and the fat is crispy…drool.
crumble that shit and dump it in
cook for 30 more min
plop that creamy stuff into a cup and sprinkle grated cheese, chili powder, cilantro sauce or a sprig or two…
devour it like the sexy mistress it is.

Corn chowder

The hardest part about crock pot cooking…. is not stuffing myself like the thanks giving turkey. Portion control people! Freeze some, send some down to the neighbors, what ever you gotta do to keep the greedy kraken inside of you in check. OR…. don’t give a fuck and have thirds. This recipe is surely making me want thirds.

Bone-Arrrr-petite!

Appetizers that don't suck, Crew Favorites, Imaginary food truck item, Party People, Stuffing stuff in stuff

Cuban Eggrolls!

October 12, 2015 Cassandra D'Kay

National FOOD TRUCK day was spent at home this year….we are preparing for our annual Halloween extravaganza and thusly are too poor to go downtown just for food. I still needed some food truck in my life. So, I prepared one of the items that I would sell from my imaginary food truck. CUBANO EGGROLLS fool! I mean, obvs i’m big into “fusion” foods.. and obvs i’m creative AF…..but I am also super into promoting local. (In case you didn’t already know). I purchased this cannon-balls relish called Dillapeno (<<buy it here <<) relish from the Smithers Family at the Houston Hot Sauce Festival I attend every year. If you love pickles.. as I do… PLEASE try this shiz. I used it in place of pickle slices in my cubans. I made waaay to many but luckily I have a large hungry crew of friends who randomly sail by to graze grub…. otherwise I would be way larger and way in charger. On my food truck, I would make these dericious cuban wraps becasue they are totally finger food and totally a “quickie” item. I wrap so tight… you should too.

………in-greed-ients:

1 pack of eggroll wraps
1/4 lb swiss cheese slices
1/2 lb of roasted pork slices
1/2 lb of sliced ham…preferably smoked somehow.
a thing of spicy / sweet dijon mustard
some dill jalepeno relish
garlic powder, salt & pepper
egg wash
stuff for frying.. ie: pan, oil, fire.

…….Cuban magic:

lay an eggroll wrap on a cutting board
throw down the ham
throw down the pork
slap it with a half slice of cheese
spoon out some relish
squirt out some ‘tard
season
roll…..just roll along…..just roll along….
egg wash to seal
fry that shit.

This halloween, the first mate is going to be a zombie Ricky Ricardo and I am going to be a Zombie Lucy so we need to practice our cuban dancing….. so here:

Breakfast, Breakfast is my first love, Brunch like you mean it, Egg zachary, Holiday Celebrate

Egg Clouds!

October 12, 2015 Cassandra D'Kay

It was WORLD EGG DAY the other day so I celebrated EGGcordingly. I get EGGstatic about eggs. I may be a little EGGcentric as far as eggs go. I was also in no mood for EGGsasperating my day so I whipped up some fARRRGHing EGG CLOUDS because the are so EGGstremely easy and fast. I used to make these back in the day.. but had forgotten about them entirely until the interwebs reminded me. Some people are laying them on “bacon blankets” or as I call them “bacon quilts”. I use sausage for them because that’s how my mother did it. She knew how to do shit right. It must be genetic… because I cover my egg clouds with spicy hollandaise sauce and that very well may be EGGzactly the way they were meant to be eaten. I also had just recently made my first Hot Sauce batch… I call it “Dragon Blood Isle” because it’s made from roasted green scotch bonnets, juicy red dragon fruit, Ommegangs Red dragon Ale… and some other secret treasures. I added this sauce to my hollandaise, but you can do what you want… be creative people. You don’t have to do it my way, but by all that is sEGGcred… just do it! Paint some happy little clouds. I believe you can do it.

……..in-greed-ients:

4 large eggs
1/2 cup shredded parm
1/2 cup chopped cooked sausage fingers
1/2 cup chopped chives
salt, pepper, garlic, sage

……..the egg magic:

Separate the kids by putting whites in 1 large bowl and yolks in their own shell cups in a separate small bowl.
Whip the white kids asses until stiff peaks form. I mean we need these to be inappropriately stiff and perky.
Gently Fold in cheese, chives and sausage, it’s not a mixing contest y’all.
Spoon into 4 mounds on parchment-lined baking sheet; make a deep well in center of each.
Bake at 450 degrees for 3 minutes

………..second half

Take them out and lay 1 yolk to each well… it’s like handling testes….ever so gently…
season with your special flavo flav
Bake until yolks are just set, 2 to 3 minutes.
drizzle with mutha lovin hollandaise sauce….here is the FASTEST recipe for that…..Easy AF Hollandaise
Masticate, Swallow, Digest, Repeat!

A pirates life for me!, Eat your veggies, Mealprep Mondays

MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

August 31, 2015 Cassandra D'Kay

When I get the pleasure of eating something amazeballs you not only get dinner, with me you also get a show. I am a eat dancer. I can’t help but wiggle and giggle and moan and sing and make derpy faces. I’m usually bouncing on the booth more than my minion when we go out. I can’t help it. I loooove good food. That does NOT mean that healthy and simple pleases me any less. All I ever really want is to try everything once.. and also I really want to share my (forcibly if necessary via social networking) findings of how simple it is to eat clean and healthy and to cook that way also. I am occasionally made aware of how annoying it is (for others) to see my constant posts on instagram, facebook, snapchat…ect… regarding my “Mealprep Monday” low calorie, low sodium, high protein weekly meal prepping…but I don’t give a flying fat fuck. I have been trying so hard for at least 3 or 4 years to keep up some kind of healthy weekly eating habits because on most weekends I am a hedonistic, gluttonous food whore. Thusly, my sexy, plump, bod can’t afford to eat like shit during the week. I am duly trying to inspire others to try new shit, because i’m helpful as fuck. So stop being a lazy askhole (someone who asks for meal prep advice & googles healthy new ideas but never actually does it) and start cooking for yourself and your humans every day. Buy that weird ass fruit, or funky looking veggie, try that spice, and use that immersion blender thingy behind all the pots. You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t already know. If you have no time, pick one day and make that your meal prep day. If you already do this.. Huzzah to you! I know I am not alone… just seems that way with all of my evil, fast food eating, land lubber friends that tempt me….(whom I lub). Aye, I eat at sonic a couple times a year.. when I’m drunk, tater tots are my kryptonite. Aye, spur of the moment queso and margaritas with the wenches, are a gals best friend… but otherwise am a very routine captain and I feel that if you don’t prepare for success you are just preparing for failure… and goonies never say die!

I like to keep it simple for meal prep and then get all fancy and shit for dinner because as i’m sure your thinking it too….

We usually do well with keeping the hunger kraken away when I prepare snacks and lunches only, I can’t meal prep dinners when I am a self proclaimed home cook, I need to experiment and play. So our routine is a protein shake with spinach and nanas for breakfast, a snack of chicken salad with greek yogurt, lunch, and 2nd snack of raw fruit and veggies, then what ever the fuck my cray dinner plans are. Here is one of my “goto” weekly lunches. It’s my favorite because it’s super healthy and not boring or gross or weird. Even my neighbor that hates brussel sprouts likes this one. Lets do this…

…….in-greed-ients:

boneless skinless chicken breasts either 5 or 10 depending on your tax filing status.
EVOO
a lemon
turmeric
Flavorgods –Lemon garlic seasoning
thyme

baby bell peppers – they come in a bag usually – lots of them… sliced into rounds
brussel sprouts, like 2 bags of them, shredded, whole, halved.. .whatevs
balsamic vinegrette
chipotle mustard
chili paste – optional of course
minced garlic
EVOO
blackened seasoning

quinoa – 1 cup
low sodium chicken broth – 2 cups
1 can drained chick peas / garbanzo beans
1/2 can drained low sodium black beans
1/2 can drained golden hominy
1/2 cup pico (tomato, white onion, cilantro, jalepenos in lime juice.. usually find premade stuff and use that)
fresh cilantro
cumin & onion powder
lime juice
EVOO

…….the mealprep magic:

coat thawed poultry boosoms with EVOO, seasonings and top with a lemon slice and juice.
bake chicken on a foil lined pan per instructions.. usually about 400 for 15-25 min depending on thickness
toss brussels with chipotle mustard, (chili paste optional) balsamic and garlic
brussels bath
lay those on a different foil lined pan and bake with chicken.. but these have to bake for about 30-45 min
whilst that is baking, boil your broth and quinoa for 15 minutes.
open cans and dump all the things (in quinoa section above) into quinoa and mix until you are happy…
mexican quinoa
sautee bells in EVOO and blackened
toss brussels with bells
plate that shit up into your finest mismatched tupperware!
Also….I am going to take this time to express how much I love knives… and kitchen gadgets. Like this here Mezaluna.

It’s an ancient tool that is used for chopping herbs. Mine was passed down to me and I use it every day. It makes me dance when I use it….and I get happy. Now you can shove off and get happy too!