Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember. From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it. I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise.
…….Factoids & Graboids:
- About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States.
- Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
- Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
- Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
- During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
- Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
- Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
- As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
- Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
- At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket.
- Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy!
- 6 Ball Jars
- large brine making pot
- about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
- a shit ton of garlic cloves
- about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
- about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
- about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
- Fresh dill weed – a whole package
- a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
- Red pepper flakes
- ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
- Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
- red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all.
- 9 cups of water
- 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
- 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt
- Scrub and wash cukes
- scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
- chop cukes in slices or quarters
- boil water and vinegar
- add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
- cool the liquid for a little bit
- fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill, a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
- put some sliced hot peppers in 2
- put some sriracha & ginger in 2
- put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2
- stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
- pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
- put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp
- fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.
- good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge.
Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now. You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas, I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure! So until then here is a weird PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!