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Monthly Archives: August 2015

MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

MEAL PREP MONDAYS!

When I get the pleasure of eating something amazeballs you not only get dinner, with me you also get a show.  I am a eat dancer. I can’t help but wiggle and giggle and moan and sing and make derpy faces.  I’m usually bouncing on the booth more than my minion when we go out. I can’t help it. I loooove good food. That does NOT mean that healthy and simple pleases me any less.  All I ever really want is to try everything once.. and also I really want to share my (forcibly if necessary via social networking) findings of how simple it is to eat clean and healthy and to cook that way also. I am occasionally made aware of how annoying it is (for others) to see my constant posts on instagram, facebook, snapchat…ect… regarding my “Mealprep Monday” low calorie, low sodium, high protein weekly meal prepping…but I don’t give a flying fat fuck. I have been trying so hard for at least 3 or 4 years to keep up some kind of healthy weekly eating habits because on most weekends I am a hedonistic, gluttonous food whore. Thusly, my sexy, plump, bod can’t afford to eat like shit during the week.  I am duly trying to inspire others to try new shit, because i’m helpful as fuck. So stop being a lazy askhole (someone who asks for meal prep advice & googles healthy new ideas but never actually does it) and start cooking for yourself and your humans every day. Buy that weird ass fruit, or funky looking veggie, try that spice, and use that immersion blender thingy behind all the pots.  You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t already know. If you have no time, pick one day and make that your meal prep day. If you already do this.. Huzzah to you!  I know I am not alone… just seems that way with all of my evil, fast food eating,  land lubber friends that tempt me….(whom I lub). Aye, I eat at sonic a couple times a year.. when I’m drunk, tater tots are my kryptonite. Aye, spur of the moment queso and margaritas with the wenches, are a gals best friend… but otherwise am a very routine captain and I feel that if you don’t prepare for success you are just preparing for failure… and goonies never say die!

I like to keep it simple for meal prep and then get all fancy and shit for dinner because as i’m sure your thinking it too….

We usually do well with keeping the hunger kraken away when I prepare snacks and lunches only, I can’t meal prep dinners when I am a self proclaimed home cook, I need to experiment and play.  So our routine is a protein shake with spinach and nanas for breakfast, a snack of chicken salad with greek yogurt, lunch, and 2nd snack of raw fruit and veggies, then what ever the fuck my cray dinner plans are. Here is one of my “goto” weekly lunches. It’s my favorite because it’s super healthy and not boring or gross or weird. Even my neighbor that hates brussel sprouts likes this one. Lets do this…

…….in-greed-ients:

  • boneless skinless chicken breasts either 5 or 10 depending on your tax filing status.
  • EVOO
  • a lemon
  • turmeric
  • Flavorgods –Lemon garlic seasoning
  • thyme
  • baby bell peppers – they come in a bag usually – lots of them… sliced into rounds
  • brussel sprouts, like 2 bags of them, shredded, whole, halved.. .whatevs
  • balsamic vinegrette
  • chipotle mustard
  • chili paste – optional of course
  • minced garlic
  • EVOO
  • blackened seasoning
  • quinoa – 1 cup
  • low sodium chicken broth – 2 cups
  • 1 can drained chick peas / garbanzo beans
  • 1/2 can drained low sodium black beans
  • 1/2 can drained golden hominy
  • 1/2 cup pico (tomato, white onion, cilantro, jalepenos in lime juice.. usually find premade stuff and use that)
  • fresh cilantro
  • cumin & onion powder 
  • lime juice
  • EVOO

…….the mealprep magic:

  1. coat thawed poultry boosoms with EVOO, seasonings and top with a lemon slice and juice.
  2. bake chicken on a foil lined pan per instructions.. usually about 400 for 15-25 min depending on thicknessIMG_0553
  3. toss brussels with chipotle mustard, (chili paste optional) balsamic and garlic

    brussels bath

    brussels bath

  4. lay those on a different foil lined pan and bake with chicken.. but these have to bake for about 30-45 minIMG_0568
  5. whilst that is baking, boil your broth and quinoa for 15 minutes. 
  6. open cans and dump all the things (in quinoa section above) into quinoa and mix until you are happy…

    mexican quinoa

    mexican quinoa

  7. sautee bells in EVOO and blackened
  8. toss brussels with bells 
  9. plate that shit up into your finest mismatched tupperware!
  10. Also….I am going to take this time to express how much I love knives… and kitchen gadgets.  Like this here Mezaluna.
cilantro

cilantro

It’s an ancient tool that is used for chopping herbs. Mine was passed down to me and I use it every day. It makes me dance when I use it….and I get happy. Now you can shove off and get happy too!

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Meal Prep Monday

 

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Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

Grilled Hatch Pimento Mac & Cheese!

…..and then the clouds parted and the light shown down in glittering rays, the angel choir sang and the trumpets played…the gods have smiled upon this dish indeed! I mean…a “Grilled hatch pimento mac & cheese” just makes me drool saying it.. I can’t even tell you in words how lip smacking good this was.  You are going to have to conjure it up yourselves. I have always wanted to make a grilled mac & cheese but now that its HATCH SEASON…. I have been making hatch-ALL THE THINGS!  I served this sammich beast with some home made creamy tomato basil soup that was the tits, but that’s a whole other post. Pre warning, this is not diet food, rabbit food, muthafukin carb free, gluten free or sugar free. BUT.. it IS amazeballs so, if you want to taste life and put the melancholy and infinite sadness of healthy eating on the sidelines for just a minute….grab these items below and lets shove off on a mystical journey… in your mouth.

……..in-greed-ients:

  • bacon pan
  • food processor
  • baking tray covered in foil
  • panini maker if you have one.. if you don’t.. it’d be a lot cooler if you did.
  • food processor
  • 6 slices of sourdough bread
  • 6 slices of hatch bacon
  • 2 hatch chilis – they come in different levels of spicy… get the hot ones or you’re not a goonie!
  • 1 bell pepper
  • 2 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon FRANKS red hot sauce
  • some smoked salt and black pepper
  • 1 cup miracle whip (because we fucking hate mayonasty)
  • 1 cup shredded smoked Cheddar
  • 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 box of organic spiral mac & cheese (or you can make the shit yourself if your super cool.. I am not too cool for the box)
  • wyatts finishing butter – In garlic herb. I say this brand because its the shit, but you can make your own garlic herb butter too. – obviously. –Wyatts Finishing butters

…….roasting magic:

  1. spray foil lined pan and roast (broil) hatch peppers and bell pepper on high for 8-10 minutes, rotating them like a white girl sunbathing on the beach of ARUBA.
  2. let them cool… then skin them alive! Also sqeeze out the seeds. It should be easy to peel the skin off if you have had any damn  patience at all.
  3. chop them chunky like

……the pimento, bacon & mac magic:

  1. In food processor, blend together the garlic, paprika, hot sauce, cayenne,  salt and some black pepper.
  2. Then add the mayonnaise, smoked Cheddar, and pulse until combined.
  3. Put the mixture in a bowl
  4. MAKE THE MAC according to the instructions.
  5. fold in the cooked pasta with the pimento mix and fridge it for a minute
  6. cook that bacon yo!  Then place it on a napkin to drain.
  7. mix all peppers by folding into the mac and pimento mix

IMG_1536

……..the grilled baby cheesus magic:

  1. butter one side of all bread
  2. place one slice of bread -butter side down- on the HOT panini maker (or skillet)
  3. plop a bunch of that pimento hatch mac right on it
  4. place 2 strips of bacon in an X right on top… because X marks the spot mates!
  5. top it with one of them slices of cheddar
  6. then the bread -butter side up – and close the lid and hear it sizzle and turn nice and buttery golden
  7. slice in half diagonally and serve with creamy basil tomato soup with a dollop of pesto and a basil leaf… lookin like a damn pro and shit.

Obviously you will have some left over mac…. that’s fanfreakingtastic because you are going to want another one tomorrow. Just one… more… taste. It’s way safer than crack so go ahead..

LOL! It’s safe to say, that I will never be too thin or have an eating disorder.  I love food and life too much.. so remember…

“Life is short…. so eat the butter, buy the shoes… and drink up me hearties yoho!”

 

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Fridge Pickles!

Fridge Pickles!

Everyone loves a good pickling!!! Right? Well, if you don’t, you’re a strange brew indeed. I’ve been in love with pickles for as long as I can remember.  From the days of sucking the middle out and then eating the shell, slicing them in half long ways and making pickle boats with mac and cheese or cream cheese or laughing cow….. (it’s good) or slicing them super thin and sprinkling salt on them (like they aren’t salty enough)… I have been eating pickles every which way my whole life. BUT… I had not ever made my own, until now! I even got the little scurv to get in on the action.. he said it was so easy even he could do it.  I remember my grandmother making them.. but that was before I gave a shit about making my own shit. Everyone else was pretending to be Suzy Fukn Homemaker or playing house with dolls, but then there was me.. playing fort in the trees or demolishing the barbies and melting their limbs… or playing office. Anyhow, i’ve morphed into an irregular Suzy Fukn Homemaker now and I love to make shit my self. So here is my very first few Pickle recipes: it’s too easy to fuck up I promise. 

…….Factoids & Graboids:

  • About 26 billion (insert Dr. Evil pinky here) pickles are packed yearly in the United States. 
  • Though everyone still argues about it like assholes… the pickle is both a fruit and a vegetable.
  • Pickles have a shit ton of vitanin C, vitamin A, magnesium, potassium, and zinc.
  • Muricans eat about 9 pounds of pickles per person each year.
  • During World War II, 40 percent of all pickles made were sent to the mutha fuckn ranks, to save the world.
  • Julius Caesar thought pickles made men more virile and manly so he made his army eat them daily.
  • Queen Elizabeth I, also loved the pickles!
  • As far back as 850 B.C., Aristotle rambled about the amazing healing effects of “cured” cucumbers.
  • Because the wax coating prevents cucumbers from absorbing the pickling liquid well, look for cukes with dull skins.
  • At least one person you know has snuck a giant juicy pickle into the movies in their purse or jacket. 
  • Pirates always kept pickles or pickled veggies on board to help keep away the scurvy! 

…….in-greed-ients:

  • 6 Ball Jars
  • large brine making pot
  • about 10 “pickling” cucumbers
  • a shit ton of garlic cloves
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole mustard seeds
  • about 6 tblspoons black peppercorns (I used smoked pepper…it’s badass)
  • about 6 tblspoons of whole corriander seeds
  • Fresh dill weed – a whole package 
  • a few sprigs of thyme (we all need more of this)
  • Red pepper flakes
  • ginger paste or fresh sliced ginger
  • sriracha
  • Concentrated lemon essential oil (Doterra)
  • red jalepenos (red peppers of any kind) – sliced in rings but leave the seeds in if you want them to even be mild at all. 
  • 9 cups of water 
  • 3 cups of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 (solids) cup of pickling (kosher) salt

……..Pickle Magic:

  1. Scrub and wash cukes
  2. scrub and wash jars… cause you don’t know who’s booger pickers have been on them in factories
  3. chop cukes in slices or quarters
  4. boil water and vinegar 
  5. add salt and allow to completely disolve like the brine in the sweet mother ocean
  6. cool the liquid for a little bit
  7. fill all 6 of the jars with a few sprigs (like 4) of dill,  a tbspoon of each: peppercorns, mustard seeds, corriander, 4 or 5 garlic cloves each, & the pepper flakes (this does not make them hot)
  8. put some sliced hot peppers in 2
  9. put some sriracha & ginger in 2
  10. put some (2 drops each) lemon oil & thyme in 2 
  11. stick about 6 quartered pickle spears in each jar
  12. pour brine over each jar until filled to the very top
  13. put lid on and let them sit out on the counter until room temp 
  14. fridge em! Let them sit for 3 days… then you can eat them.. .but they are better as they sit.  
  15. good for up to 2 or 3 weeks in the fridge. 

Every one lusted after the lemon garlic dill thyme ones.. but the sriracha ginger were really good too. I wished my hot pepper ones were hotter! Next time gadget… next time. Either way, they are all gone now.  You really could put anything in there with the cucumbers.. Next time I want to make cilantro lime ones, or black pepper oil and rosemary, I might even shove some shrooms in there. Alas,  I have to wait for more gold coins to make more treasure!  So until then here is a weird  PICKLE SURPRISE for you dirty pickle suckers….savy?!!

IMG_0143