Disclaimer: this here burger was NOT quick to make. It definitely took some prep time. BUT, I can’t believe it took me 30 something years to finally make and eat one. We all love a good burger (well, at least us meat eaters do) but this is no regular burger. Any time you wrap anything in bacon it immediately gets another star. A food porn star. Then, adding an egg also, wins a double air guitar from me….drool. Also, anything with avocado will be assuredly going into my face hole. So, when it’s got MACAFUCKNRONI buns, I mean, come on.. I can’t even. The first mate almost didn’t let me take pictures of this thing. He likes his egg POPPED…. I know, what a weirdo. Bleh!
So, as I was making this monster, I realized how gargantuan it was going to be and I adjusted mine to be an open faced monster…. because I may be a salty wench, but I am still a lady, and don’t open my mouth that big for just anything/anyone…… these days. Plus mine HAS to have a RUNNY egg…or its not worth eating.
Now, for the instructions: hold fast crew…. this will be a long and arduous journey….but there will be treasure at the end! OH, also, there were jicama fries involved. They were great, although not the star of this tale.
- 2.5 -3 cups pre made macaroni (what ever kind you want, but make it sticky and cheesey and ooey gooey- I like shells)
- Himalayan pink salt & pepper
- panko crumbs
- 2 LARGE EGGS
- some oil (http://texashillcountryoliveco.com/terra-verde-garlic-infused-evoo-250ml/ because….this olive oil is good shit yo) BUY LOCAL BITCHES
- 1/2 lb bison meat – why? because its low in cholesterol, high protein, fewer calories and lots of omega 3…and because its ARRRGSOME!
- 1/3 cup diced onions
- 1/2 cup rolled oats
- 1 package beef onion soup mix
- 3 LARGE EGGS
- some worst-chester-shire sauce. (we gave up saying and spelling this correctly a long time ago)
- garlic powder
- thin sliced provolone (or what ever cheese suits your fancy)
- 1 ripe as fuck avocado (muy importante)
- peppercorn bacon 4 strips
- flavorgod spicy everything seasoning… again because its ARRGSOME! http://bing.flavorgod.com/
- once again, I found myself using TORCHYS damn good diablo sauce http://torchystacos.com/product/hot-sauce/for my burger dressing. I guess im an addict. If you are too, then you should check out my FB group “Do you even sauce bro?” https://www.facebook.com/groups/295299200668548/
- AN ALE – I used NEW CASTLE WERE WOLF, its an Irish red ale that I enjoy…. but its really up to you.
- Divide your mac into 4 balls
- Line the bottom of 4 bowl or saucer shaped things with saran wrap and spray it with spray oil.
- Squish them into these bowls, saucers. If you can’t find anything bun shapped… just make tightly compacted 1/2 in thick patties with the saran wrap and stick them in the freezer.
- When it is time….put oil in the pan….coat each mac bun in the egg wash, then the flour, then the panko.
- Fry them up like fried green tomatoes or grilled cheese…..mmmmm.. grilled cheese.
- Set aside on paper towel to cool.
……the burger magic:
- Squish the meat, oats, beefy onion soup mix, 1 egg, worst sauce, diced onions, and all powdered seasonings with your bare hands. I have found that the more sloppy noises it makes, the better it’s gon taste.
- Pour a shot or two of beer in there… chug the rest. CHUG… CHUG… CHUG… CHUG….. good job mate.
- Make 2 fist sized balls. Flatten them and wrap them in 2 bacon slices each. (this takes some hand skills) I used the criss cross method.
- Stick them fatties in the fridge for a bit…(and NOW ITS TIME to fry up the buns).
- Fry them suckas up in a frying pan. The bacon is enough grease to cook it. I like mine med rare, but again…its all up to how you like’em. Also, if you could grill them that would be super, just don’t loose the bacon, so use a grill pan….savy?
- Set aside on paper towel to drain.
- fry the last 2 eggs to your liking. If it ain’t a runny egg, your a dirty bilge rat and we can’t be friends.
- first the bun
- then the sliced avocado
- then the dripping bacon bison burger….drool.
- chug another beer, this is hard work.
- then the sliced cheese
- then the egg of glory
- slather the top bun with Torchy’s sauce and ranch if you ain’t skeerd…and gingerly place it on the stack.
- do not squash, drop or disassemble!
Good luck eating this monster. It was amazeballs and I probably won’t do it often because I like my arteries. Now, who’s swabbing the dishes? Drink up me hearties yoho!