RSS

Monthly Archives: June 2015

Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Most North American land lubbers have not experimented much with the plantain. This is a “the gods damned”  travesty. Plantains are fucking amazeballs.  We pirates LOoOoOve them and eat them frequently, as well as mango!  First off, don’t confuse them with plain old bananas. I  mean nanas are great too… but not as sexy & versatile! You can make plantains sweet or savory because they are a lot like potatoes and bananas. I have sautéed them in honey, mashed them with butter and garlic, fried them and flambéed them with rum, ect… Here is a recipe that is easier than shit. I know yall lazy skurvs like easy….its great for summer.  So go get you some plantains and get to work, savy?

…in-greed-ients:

  • 2 medium ripe plantains, peeled, chopped in a food processor (not blended)
  • some coconut flakes (like a cup)
  • 1 large egg + 1 egg white
  • 1 can coconut milk – the good shit not the light – chillin like a villain.
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • some honey – BUY LOCAL BITCHES – I’m currently using this brand: Goodflow Honey
  • a mango
  • an avocado
  • some chopped cilantro
  • 1 lime (juice)
  • cinnamon (powdered)
  • Himalayan pink salt & cracked pepper

……the magic:

  • preheat oven to 400*
  • chop plantain in a food processor until rice like
  • add eggs and coconut to plantain in a bowl – coat and toss and season with salt and pepper.
  • spray muffin / cupcake tin with cooking spray
  • spoon a glob into each hole. use a shot glass to make the cup shape, buy pressing down in the center and on the sides
  • bake for 15 min
  • whilst they are baking, pour coconut cream, vanilla, and honey in to bowl and mix with a hand blender or immersion blender until whipped…like 7 minutes. set aside.
  • chop/ slice avocado and mango into cubes. Toss it wit cilantro and lime juice and cinnamon. Let me splain:

Now fill those glory holes with the delicioso mix! Top with some of that creamy whipped goodness, sprinkle some more coconut flakes on top, and there ya have it mates….. dessert is served.  Yar brethren court should approve!                                                              (my cream sat too long before the picture was taken here). IMG_3607

 

Tags: , , ,

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash!

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash!

Y’all know by now that I like to stuff stuff in stuff…then eat it. This morning I awoke with a great hankering for something nutty and woodsy and savory. It also happens to be the day after the supreme court ruled that  Gay Marriage is legalized! So there’s a reason to celebrate with a colorful meal. I used all the colors of the rainbow accept indigo… because blueberries would taste fucking AARRGGFUL in this dish. I know squash is usually a fall favorite but I love squash year round and you would too if you knew what’s good for you. Acorn squash is rich in vitamins, minerals, dietary fiber and antioxidant compounds. A diet with a high intake of the nutrients provided by acorn squash may decrease the risk of a number of serious medical conditions. To read more about the awesomeness of acorn squash see here: acorn squash is awesome. I made some badass beet risotto a couple of days ago and couldn’t wait to stuff it into stuff so here it is…

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 1 large acorn squash
  • 6 cups chicken broth
  • a lot of EVOO (I like truffle oil myself)
  • 1 12 cups Arborio rice large 
  • 1 large beet peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes
  • 1 small yellow onion chopped
  • 1 stalk celery chopped
  • whole clove garlic
  • 12 cup dry red wine (the rest of the bottle is for you)
  • Himalayan salt and pepper
  • goat cheese
  • thyme
  • a couple of rainbow cherry & grape tomatoes
  • an egg because eggs are fucking amazing.

…… the magic:

  1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
  2. chop onion and celery beets and some garlic
  3. In a medium pot, warm the broth over medium heat.
  4. In a large skillet heat 3 tablespoons olive oil over medium high heat.
  5. Stir in the rice to coat with the oil, toast for 2 minutes.
  6. Add the beets, onion and garlic and cook until softened, about 5 minutes.
  7. Pour in the wine and cook until absorbed into the rice, drink the wine, yes, right out of the bottle.
  8. then begin adding broth a couple of ladles at a time, stirring with each addition, until the rice is cooked, about 20 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
  9. While the risotto is cooking, get out your cutlass and swashbuckle that acorn squash in half (upright) and scoop out the seeds and hairy shit, then slice off the tips so they sit on a foil lined pan. Pour olive oil all over the inside and bottoms and season with salt and pepper and roast upside down in a 425 degree oven for 20 minutes. Add the peeled garlic to the pan around the acorn squash halves and coat them with oil as well, sprinkle thyme and roast. More wine.
  10. turn squash over and fill with risotto top with goat cheese and roasted garlic
  11. quick fry an egg (I like mine runny of course) and plop it on top.
  12. add sliced tomatoes to still hot egg pan and heat them with some balsamic vinegar and salt… slap them on top too
  13. add some fresh thyme. cause we all need more of that shit….
  14. drink more wine…the good stuff.

You should have beet risotto left after this… use it for ERRYTHANG! Really, its good with pork, chicken, what evs. See below on how to half the squash, take off the tips, and fill it with risotto and goat cheese. Not everyone likes eggs… so I hear. That’s INSANE…but if you don’t want to put an egg on it, its still awesome like this…

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash

Beet Risotto Stuffed Acorn Squash

Stuffed Acorn Squash

Stuffed acorn squash

Voila! One for me, and one for the neighbor wench, who would rather her squash be stuffed with mushrooms and spinach on a bed of beet risotto. NO EGG> weird. Bon Apetite ya scurvs! Eat drink and let gays be married!

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Italian Pretzel with beer cheese!

Well slap my ass and call me a salty dog! I made a pretzel and dipped it thangs!  Here’s the story:

I was alone, reluctantly carrying the gazillion grocery bags in from the desert wasteland we call my driveway in texas. The bags were cheap, probably recycled beyond usable standards. The door was soooo far away…. then a bag broke… I caught it… whew!  Then, I heard a POP!  I felt a doughy sticky limp coldness in the bottom of my last bag. “I wasn’t planning on making bread tonight”  I yelled to myself.  Fuck it, I plopped it on a pan and made a pretzel shape.  Alas, the dough kept shrinking like a chocolate starfish out of water. So I improvised! I stuck some oven safe bowls in the holes to keep the shape. Voila.. built in dipping bowls!  I sprinkled it with thyme, garlic butter, parmesan & my new artisan balsamic salt (I finally have a good selection of artisan infused salts) see here: Artisan salts ROCKIMG_4798It was the perfect appetizer to my grilled butterfly pork chop and home made beet risotto! I love beet risotto, too bad the first mate hates beets… oh well, more for the Captain! Huzzah!

IMG_4911Now you can’t rightly eat a pretzel without a dip. I love dips… sauces.. hot sauces… anything saucy and creamy. Check out my hot sauce group on Facebook here: DO YOU EVEN SAUCE BRO So here are my instructions and dip recipes. Don’t laugh at how simple this all is….. some people need simple so I’m giving them this. Eat it.

…..in-greed-ients

  • 1 can Italian bread dough
  • spray garlic oil or garlic butter melted
  • balsamic salt (Himalayan will do)
  • thyme
  • 1/4 cup parmesan shredded
  • 1 can of nacho cheese soup
  • 1 dark beer (I like Leinenkugel -Big Butt Doppelbock)
  • 1 small jar of pizza sauce
  • 1 whole clove garlic

……..yeasty magic:

  1. spray a foil lined cookie sheet
  2. Take out dough snake. Plop it down and make a pretzel
  3. stick some of those small oven safe bowls (for salsa and queso or small ramekins) in the holes.
  4. baste it with butter / oil spray
  5. seasoning and thyme
  6. surround pretzel with raw garlic cloves (coated in butter / oil as well)
  7. bake for 25 min @350
  8. take out with 5 min to spare (take off garlic) sprinkle parm and broil for last 4 min.

……. the dippy magic:

  1. open can of NACHO cheese soup  pour into a sauce pan
  2. add half beer… stir and simmer
  3. pour cheese into pretzel bowl
  4. heat up pizza sauce same way and pour into the second bowl
  5. put garlic in third bowl. Roasted garlic is soooo good for you, it helps aid against cancer, cold sores, food poisoning, UTI’s, scurvy..ect… see here: Garlic is awesome

IMG_4918

So, now you have a quick easy appetizer to grub whilst you wait for the grill to heat up. Happy feasting!  Drink up me hearties YOHO! Here is some weird shit.

funny-pretzel-drunk-photo

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Fried Chicken & Waffles!

Oh my sweet baby sea god posideon! We brunch like we mean it in my family. So it was just fathers day and we had a great time showing the fathers how important their years of beatings were, because our morale eventually improved! Thanks dads. You truly whipped us into shape. We lub you.

thWB67MGFR

IMG_4775

My sister wench gets a SPECIAL GUEST SPOTLIGHT this week. She is amazing in the kitchen and aspires to be a personal chef some day so…. 3 cheers for “Captain Blaire” my sister wench for the incrediballs brunch she prepared for our fathers day feasting pleasure.  Hip hip Huzzah! 

She prepared bacon, parmesan, peppercorn Belgian waffles with a scallion garlic butter, and a chipotle maple syrup.  Strat-daddy fried up his famous fried chicken wings… nothing schmancy about it. Fried chicken needs no frills….it’s that damned good. I took the left over waffles home and Broseph took home the left over meat.  That’s how we do it. Why were there any left overs you ask? Well, we, as a family, tend to make waaaaay too much food. It works out well for the left over department. The minion loves the waffles.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 3  large eggs
  • 1 3/4 Cup  all-purpose flour
  • 1 Tbl.  baking powder
  • 1 1/2 Tsp.  salt
  • 3 Oz.  shredded parmesan cheese (3/4 cup)
  • 1 Tbl.  fresh cracked black pepper
  • 1 schtick of butta – melted
  • garlic butter
  • chopped scallions
  • 1/4 lb of bacon
  • chipotle mayple syrup (can make your own with some canned chipotles in oil and Canadian mayple syrup)
  • electric mixer
  • badass waffle iron – Suggestions: http://amzn.com/B00ITPJ0HM

…… waffle magic:

  1. cook bacon, remove from pan, and swashbuckle that shit. chop chop chop it like its hot.
  2. beat eggs on medium speed 3 minutes or until very pale and foamy.
  3. Sift flour, baking powder and salt into medium bowl
  4. whisk in cheese and pepper until combined
  5. Whisk milk and butter into flour mixture, whisking just until combined; do not overmix (batter will be lumpy).
  6. With wooden spoon, fold in eggs.
  7. ladle a heaping ladle full of batter into waffle iron (just enough to cover surface of waffle iron). sprinkle with bacon!!!!
  8. Cook waffles until golden brown and steam is no longer escaping from iron. Hot dayum, you did it.
  9. while those are cooking, mix chopped scallions in garlic butter
  10. now slather that baby with scallion garlic butter and bacon crumbles and douse it with chipotle maple syrup!
  11. mouthgasm
Chicken & Waffles

Chicken & Waffles

Happy fathers day to the keeper of the codes!

 

Tags: , , , ,

Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Yes, Yes,  I am the great cornholio!  Ok, so I know I didn’t invent grilling corn.  BUT…I did perfect my version of “grilled corn” and I will never go back. So, the crew loves a good corn on the cob. Sometimes we cover it in greek yogurt (in lieu of sour cream) and lime juice & cayenne, some times its pesto slathered, and sometimes its smeared with garlic paste and brie.  I mean its still just corn…but this time IT’S WRAPPED IN BACON!  I like my corn to have the husks on, to use as a handle to eat with and it just looks prettier. Also, I guess I’ve really been on a bacon kick lately. Probably because I banned it from the ship for months during one of my shake diets. Love me some protein shakes, but as Captain I realize now, that I can’t be a good leader without the Bacon. So if you are one of those people that are shaking your head at this point, suck on some bacon and see here http://bacontoday.com/bacon-is-good-for-you/ about how BACON is actually good for you.

The first mate swears that corn doesn’t even get processed in his body and there’s nothing good for you about it… I like to prove him wrong.. so here’s this FYI about corn: Corn not only provides the necessary calories for healthy, daily metabolism, but is also a rich source of vitamins A, B, E and many minerals. Its high fiber content ensures that it plays a significant role in the prevention of digestive ailments like constipation and hemorrhoids as well as colorectal cancer. The antioxidants present in corn also act as anti-carcinogenic agents and prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Corn aids in controlling diabetes, prevention of heart ailments, lowering hypertension and prevention of neural-tube defects at birth as well. So there. Eat your corn you lily livered sea swine.

…..in-greed-ients:

  • 2 fresh ears of corn (BUY LOCAL BITCHES)
  • 4 strips of thick ass bacon
  • 1/4 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
  • lime / lemon or both.. because we love them.
  • garlic butter… (I’ve been making my own with roasted garlic cloves.. so good.)
  • cayenne, Himalayan salt, cracked black pepper
  • foil

…….the corny magic:

  1. Peel back husks, de-hair your corn
  2. slather corn cobs in garlic butter
  3. wrap corn cobs in 2 strips of bacon each, because the bacon will shrivel and shrink… not unlike a man thrown over board.
  4. wrap each cob in foil all the way to the tips of the husks, twist ends.
  5. grill on high for 20-25 min, rotating
  6. unwrap and gently place corn directly on the fire for 3-4 minutes to get bacon crispy (we don’t want no soft meat)
  7. plate it and sprinkle cheese and lemon / lime juice and seasoning
  8. enjoy the fuck out of it because there are 3 delicious food groups here people.
 

Tags: , , ,

Shrimp & cheesy grits!

Shrimp & cheesy grits!

I don’t cook on Fridays if I can manage not to. It’s my fun day to go out to eat!!! Tonight I will engorge myself with draft beers and specialty pizzas from the Alamo Draft House movie theater with my girl posse with our minions in tow. We will be obnoxious, laugh too loud, sneak drinks and snacks in our purses and stay too long.  I mean, we paid like a gazillion $$ for tickets so we figure we deserve a little looting and pillaging is in order.  Alas… I still have soooo many blog worthy recipes that I need to share, so here’s this gem for ya.  I have not made this in a hot minute! It is one of our favorite meals around here. When the day is long, and the crew is hangry and needs to grub quickly, You can never go wrong with a southern dish like this. You’re probably like, “Oh sure, quick my Aunt Fanny!” I promise its not that hard…or long… lol.  Check it: 30 min tops.

….. in-greed-ients

  • 3 tbsp of butta
  • 1 or 2 jalepenos sliced and diced bruh
  • 4 cups chicken broth
  • 1 cup stone ground grits
  • 4 strips of peppercorn bacon
  • 1 1/2 cups (6 oz.) shredded Monterey Jack cheese
  • some flavorgod spicy everything seasoning and Himalayan pink salt. Maybe its time I tell you why I choose this salt.. in case you don’t already know. http://www.naturalnews.com/028724_Himalayan_salt_sea.html#    Mamma says, that table salt is the debil.
  • 1 pound skrimps, peeled depooped
  • 4 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1 cup thinly chopped green onions
  • 1 large clove garlic, minced
  • 1/2 lb assorted color baby bell peppers sliced only

…….the magic:

  1. sautee jalepenos in butter till soft… set aside (like 5 min or you could skip this step if your a puss)
  2. bring broth to a boil, add salt and seasoning, add grits and cook about 20-25 min (until all liquid is sucked up)
  3. remove from heat, add butter, cheese, cooked jalepenos 
  4. wash & pat skrimp dry
  5. fry the bacon:https://youtu.be/W54O5Ia7nrs
  6. Add skrimp, garlic, lemon juice and sliced peppers to skillet with bacon grease and fry until skrimp are pink!

……plating this stuff:

  1. stir cheesy grits and add more cheese if its has gotten dry, spoon some into a bowl
  2. top with skrimp and peppers mix
  3. crumble bacon on top ( or mix it in grits)
  4. sprinkle with chopped green onion
  5. eat it…eat it….just eat it…

 

Tags: , ,

Bacon Wrapped Bison Beer Burger…with macaroni buns!

Bacon Wrapped Bison Beer Burger…with macaroni buns!

WHOOHOOO!

Disclaimer: this here burger was NOT quick to make. It definitely took some prep time. BUT, I can’t believe it took me 30 something years to finally make and eat one.  We all love a good burger (well, at least us meat eaters do) but this is no regular burger. Any time you wrap anything in bacon it immediately gets another star. A food porn star. Then, adding an egg also, wins a double air guitar from me….drool. Also, anything with avocado will be assuredly going into my face hole. So, when it’s got MACAFUCKNRONI buns, I mean, come on.. I can’t even.  The first mate almost didn’t let me take pictures of this thing. He likes his egg POPPED…. I know, what a weirdo. Bleh!

IMG_4566

So, as I was making this monster, I realized how gargantuan it was going to be and I adjusted mine to be an open faced monster…. because I may be a salty wench, but I am still a lady, and don’t open my mouth that big for just anything/anyone…… these days.  Plus mine HAS to have a RUNNY egg…or its not worth eating.

IMG_4569

Now, for the instructions: hold fast crew…. this will be a long and arduous journey….but there will be treasure at the end!  OH, also, there were jicama fries involved. They were great, although not the star of this tale.

……the in-greed-ients:

  • 1/2 lb bison meat – why? because its low in cholesterol, high protein, fewer calories and lots of omega 3…and because its ARRRGSOME!
  • 1/3 cup diced onions
  • 1/2 cup rolled oats
  • 1 package beef onion soup mix
  • 3 LARGE EGGS
  • some worst-chester-shire sauce. (we gave up saying and spelling this correctly a long time ago)
  • garlic powder
  • thin sliced provolone (or what ever cheese suits your fancy)
  • 1 ripe as fuck avocado (muy importante)
  • peppercorn bacon 4 strips
  • flavorgod spicy everything seasoning… again because its ARRGSOME! http://bing.flavorgod.com/
  • once again, I found myself using TORCHYS damn good diablo sauce http://torchystacos.com/product/hot-sauce/for my burger dressing. I guess im an addict. If you are too, then you should check out my FB group “Do you even sauce bro?” https://www.facebook.com/groups/295299200668548/
  • AN ALE – I used NEW CASTLE WERE WOLF, its an Irish red ale that I enjoy…. but its really up to you.
  • IMG_4523

…..the bunssssss:

  1. Divide your mac into 4 balls
  2. Line the bottom of 4 bowl or saucer shaped things with saran wrap and spray it with spray oil.
  3. Squish them into these bowls, saucers. If you can’t find anything bun shapped… just make tightly compacted 1/2 in thick patties with the saran wrap and stick them in the freezer.
  4. When it is time….put oil in the pan….coat each mac bun in the egg wash, then the flour, then the panko.
  5.  Fry them up like fried green tomatoes or grilled cheese…..mmmmm.. grilled cheese.
  6. Set aside on paper towel to cool.

……the burger magic:

  1. Squish the meat, oats, beefy onion soup mix, 1 egg, worst sauce, diced onions, and all powdered seasonings with your bare hands. I have found that the more sloppy noises it makes, the better it’s gon taste.
  2. Pour a shot or two of beer in there… chug the rest. CHUG… CHUG… CHUG… CHUG….. good job mate.
  3. Make 2 fist sized balls. Flatten them and wrap them in 2 bacon slices each.  (this takes some hand skills) I used the criss cross method.
  4. Stick them fatties in the fridge for a bit…(and NOW ITS TIME to fry up the buns).
  5. Fry them suckas up in a frying pan. The bacon is enough grease to cook it. I like mine med rare, but again…its all up to how you like’em.  Also, if you could grill them that would be super, just don’t loose the bacon, so use a grill pan….savy?
  6. Set aside on paper towel to drain.
  7. fry the last 2 eggs to your liking. If it ain’t a runny egg, your a dirty bilge rat and we can’t be friends.IMG_4572

…..the assembly:

  1. first the bun
  2. then the sliced avocado
  3. then the dripping bacon bison burger….drool.
  4. chug another beer, this is hard work.
  5. then the sliced cheese
  6. then the egg of glory
  7. slather the top bun with Torchy’s sauce and ranch if you ain’t skeerd…and gingerly place it on the stack.
  8. do not squash, drop or disassemble!

Good luck eating this monster. It was amazeballs and I probably won’t do it often because I like my arteries. Now, who’s swabbing the dishes? Drink up me hearties yoho!

 

Tags: , , , , , ,